The Odd Couple
by MilleFeuille
Summary: After Xemnas gets his butt kicked by a kid with size 50 shoes, he finds himself in Purgatory, atoning for his crimes by being forced into public service and working with a partner with occasional phsycotic tendencies. Beware the SephirothXemnas pairing!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** What happens when you have a sick artist cooped up in her apartment for an entire day? You get some really weird fanfics and shit like that. :D

**Disclaimer: **I'm pretty sure if I owned anyone from KH or FF, the story lines wouldn't be so epic and insane and would be geared towards humor and…okay fine, insanity. Everyone needs more of that in their games anyway.

**Warnings: **Language, snarky situations, insane amounts of OOC and clam chowder.

**Here's to the bane of the criminally insane**

Or a better title:

_In which Xemnas encounters a pointy object_

_----___

**A**pparently his body hadn't gotten the memo about him being dead.

Yet if he were dead, then that would suggest that he wouldn't be feeling much of anything and seeing as his body felt like a giant sore, then perhaps somewhere along the lines he'd missed out on some important information about beings that weren't supposed to exist but existed anyway because the Kingdom Hearts world was created by some very twisted Japanese people.

But that just didn't make sense, as things like this usually didn't, so he tried to remember how he'd gotten thrown down this black hole of doom, wherever he was that was very dark, and suddenly remembered the agony of a crushing defeat that he'd hoped would've been sponged out of his head oh so conveniently.

He didn't want to die. He remembered that. He remembered that they'd had to kill his ass like five times, that's how much of a tenacious bastard he was, and that brought a little smile to his face, before he cringed and realized his face hurt and thought better of it next time.

Yes, he remembered that, he remembered feeling…hm…he'd been quite afraid of dying, despite that whole no-heart deal. But really, he couldn't imagine that a Nobody could really die, because the whole idea of death was that you got to go to the party in the sky, but for a Nobody, he guessed they weren't invited to that party. No, you had to stand outside…in the rain…looking through window….thinking: _"……………………I wasn't invited to that party……."_

Well this was no party and if it was it sucked. It was too dark, and for all his ranting and raving about darkness, it was really annoying stuff once you had to start floating around aimlessly in it.

Let's fix this mess up shall we.

"Yes…Please….I think my brain's beginning to atrophy from all this blackness."

Okay Xemnas. (Thus said The Goddess.) Because I am an ever benevolent being, I shall grant you your wish.

"Wait…why do you get to be a Goddess?"

Because you got to be the final boss that wouldn't fuckin die! Now shut up and let me work my authoritative magic!

And thus there was light, horribly, excruciatingly painful light, but light none the less, and as it began to cause a nuclear meltdown in his retinas, Xemnas was indeed granted the gift of light by the benevolent Goddess that you all can't see because she's got mad hiding skills like that.

But anyway, more important than the lack of shape of the narrator, was the fact that with the presence of light came the presence of being able to feel things better, equaling being able to feel pain better, and also came the realization that he was lying on some very cold hard surface. Good lord on a stick, if his hairs could hurt they would be, but hair is technically dead cells, so, well, they can't do much in the way of pain.

Wherever this not very comfortable surface was, he became aware that he was lying on his stomach with the side of his face tattooed to what felt like marble flooring. It worried him that he knew what marble flooring felt like without needing to see it, but that would be another thing that the narrator wouldn't be explaining…because she's lazy…and really she has no idea how Xemnas would know something like that. Maybe he'd been one of those creepy interior decorators who knew each kind of floor based on taste alone.

"Alright, I'm not that much of a freak."

Xemnas, you're the only one that can do a Pedo Smile and freak everyone out.

"Oh yeah…that's right huh."

But anyway, moving along as this topic is a little disturbing.

The first attempt at getting to his hands and knees failed, due to crippling pain circumstances, and he dropped back down to the marble floor and instead opened his eyes slowly and decided to take this one brain cell at a time. Second time's a charm, and Xemnas slowly rose to his hands and knees, looking around at the white room he'd been thrown in.

For some reason or another he'd been stripped of his Organization robe turned Zebra stripped madness, and was now wearing a sheer white gown that came just above his knees. Why he was wearing this he didn't know, but the Goddess decided to make things more entertaining, that and guys in starched hospital gowns are the smex.

"I'm a little worried about this now…I'm not even wearing any underwear."

Pfft! Xemnas will be blissfully ignored because Xemnas is totally missing the point of this fanfic!

"...Lord help me."

As internal monologue with the narrator is pushed to the backburner, Xemnas rolled onto his side and tried to keep as little contact with the hard surface beneath him as he could, seeing as every time he touched it he was immediately reminded of what parts of his body were in pain. Hell even his ass hurt! But since the last thing he'd done was died, well, he didn't have to worry about what else could've caused that sort of nether-regional pain.

Rolling over onto his stomach and raising his head to survey the area, all he could see through his tresses of platinum colored hair, was a very large amount of white, which, after his eyes came into focus, happened to be various shades of blue, violet and silver that were just very, very annoyingly lightly colored. There were silver candelabra's standing in a few corners of this room, whose candles had been replaced with incense, incense that gave off a scent that made the room smell curiously like a Hookah lounge, and a few cream colored mats were placed here and there in some sort of pattern.

As he slowly moved one of his very sore, very tired, very achey legs, he felt something rub between the surface of the floor and his skin and reached a hand down to peel off a thin piece of parchment, grunting softly and eyed the spidery writing with the simple message:

_You failed at Life. You're Dead. Welcome to Purgatory._

He raised an eyebrow and snorted._ My, how thoughtful. I get a little welcome message thingy from whoever for whatever._

Xemnas was just about to crumble up the paper, stick it in his mouth and eat it, just to spite someone up there, or down here, whatever, when his mind registered that he was not alone. There was a foreigner in this room with him, and he had a feeling they weren't the friendly aliens that came in peace. No, this one had a Green Card and they knew how to use it!

He was just in the process of craning his head around and arming himself ala Darth Vadar style, when a very cold very excessively pointy object pressed very slowly against his temple, making the little heartless heart thingy that wasn't there deep within his chest scream and cry and set fire to a small country to get back at the world for placing him in this position.

From out of the corner of his wide golden eyes, he could see the right boot of whoever it was that was looming over him, or away from him, as that boot seemed a little far away if said boot's owner was holding a sword to his head. He assumed it was a sword. Swords had a very distinct feeling when their pressed against your skull.

Well, he decided that he'd rather not stay here with Weird Boot X, so he was going to be on his way, on all fours, towards some corner of the room that wouldn't get him any farther, but would certainly help keep him from sweating so much. Of course, this heavy looking boot must've been attached to a brain, because as soon as he moved, the tip of that sword whizzed by his ear suddenly and Xemnas stared down at the clip of the silver hair that used to be connected to his head, feather slowly down atop his hand.

Something died in him as that same blade came around to just beneath his chin, lifting his head till he was facing the wall opposite him, and then some as the figure to his right began to shift and move around to stand before him, raising his head further up and forcing him to rise to his knees and then back into a seated position on the hard floor.

Well, at least this way he could see what little shit was messing with him…er…much emphasis on the _little_ part, because the figure, man, standing before him was anything but little. Despite his relative freak-outey-ness over his current situation, Xemnas let himself visually take him apart because the readers also need to know why Xemnas is in peril...if the reader's even care.

"They _do _care!"

I'll bte you 10,000 munny they don't.

"That's so not fair. You don't even exist in my world you little cheat!"

Ha ha! Lawlz at you! So anyway, yes, onto the description.

This crazy man was sporting a pair of boots stopping just below his knees, black pants tucked within them, a very funky, but very interesting to observe, high collared trench coat of red trim and jagged edges, kept closed by a simple silver buckled belt and kept open at the chest where a pair of belts formed an X over his smooth broad chest. He eyed the metallic looking shoulder pads, wondering what was up with people and excessively large shoulder pads, but paid even more attention to the stupidly long sword being pressed against his Adam's apple.

Even in this predicament, he had a hard time focusing on his general peril, and had a much better time undressing this very insane looking man with hair of his own color that was just too long for him to be human. He couldn't possibly be human. The look in that youthful face was one of insanity and insurmountable amounts of strength that only those with too much power possessed, the kind of power your mother warned you about. The power to burn villages and destroy the world! But you know, not like I'm deliberately alluding to anything.

Xemnas actually felt himself shivering slightly as those blue green eyes stared acidly though him, and he felt like he was being visually molested, which he was, because once again, we must remind Xemnas, and our readers, that all he was wearing at the moment was a very thin gown and no underoos!

"Why again am I not wearing underwear?"

And why again is Xemnas asking so many silly questions out loud? You're going to make this nice young man think you're crazy.

Xemnas did more grumbling and the story resumed where it left off.

But this was silly, wasn't he himself just as powerful? Wasn't he the crazy little shit that'd summoned a ginormous Dragon Nobody from out of nowhere and caused everyone in the KH world and the real world so much grief trying to get rid of his ass? Wasn't he all complicated and shit, complicated enough to be split into two people, two fakes, and the focus of two games had been to kill him off? Well…okay fine, so the focus of the second game was to find Sora's little Riku…but still, that little emo boy didn't show up till the end, and he'd had way more screen time than him so there!

Yet even with his own personal history under his belt, yet even with his lack of heart, and even with his lack of emotion due to lack of heart, Xemnas was finding himself insanely afraid of this stranger, not only that, he was also finding himself very intrigued by this stranger.

Nervously, Xemnas swallowed around the sword pressed to his throat, and after a while became rather unnerved as this man was just standing there, all menacing and shit, and looking him over like he was his next piece of steak. Sliding a hand down to cover more of his legs with the flimsy piece of clothing, Xemnas let out a measured growl and twitched an eye.

"Are you going to stand there all day visually molesting me? Or are you going to introduce yourself."

"……….."

"……….."

"……….."

"……….."

"……….."

Quotation marks. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Dot. Quotation marks.

"Would you cut that out?! It's rude to stare-nck!" A blade poking further into his throat cut the silver haired Nobody off, and he distinctly felt a bit of blood trickling down his neck and over his collarbone.

The silver haired enigma raised his head slightly, tiling it to one side as a shadow of a frown graced his features for a moment before his eyes narrowed.

"You're eyes are an odd color."

Xemnas stared up at him, a little bit thrown off by that deep voice. He was expecting something a little…younger? But if he had a voice like that, maybe he wasn't so young, maybe like, late 20's or something? But damnit if he was only in his 20's and had a body like that!...Not that he was checking him out or anything. He was significantly more interesting to look at than the white washed room…yeah…that was it.

Then again…Xemnas wasn't that old himself and he had a deep voice as well, but for some reason this man's voice sounded more commanding, not to mention he didn't speak as slowly. Oh hell, his members _had _been right about him talking so slowly.

"They are _not,_" Xemnas stated firmly, pursing his lips and trying to look down his nose at the man, which was hard to do seeing as he was on the floor. "Besides, your eyes are just as funny as mine." _Mr. Person with the big long sword who threatens people he doesn't even know 'cause he's paranoid and has crazy hair and wears leather._

There was a stretch of silence, which Xemnas assumed the other was contemplating his reply, and just when he couldn't take it anymore, the silver haired man dropped his head slightly, face still as blank and evil-crazy looking as it was two hours ago.

"Amber is not a normal eye color. You aren't human."

Xemnas rolled his eyes. "Well anyone with one eye and a brain could've told you that-ah! I mean!" He suddenly found himself at a rather perilous position as the sword suddenly wiped around to press harshly at his jugular. Xemnas saw his life flash before his eyes, which was a little weird seeing as he was already dead.

"Well…of course you would obviously have known I wasn't human. Really, even someone like you could've figured that one out-eck!" Another stab at his neck. Lord he was going to lose 4 pints of blood like this.

"Because, well-kakh!" Neck poke.

"That is you're-ngh!" Shoulder poke.

"You're just so-ah!" Nose poke…….?

After a while, he figured he should just stop talking, but his brain was insistent on setting things right for whatever reason. Xemnas was just going to jump him and stab him later, but the jumping and stabbing needed to happen before this white haired terror plucked his head off with his big shiny sword.

A rather forlorn look crossed over the Nobody's fate as he watched the swordsman's expression darken considerably, and before he could stop himself, said the first thing that came to his mind in a desperate effort to preserve his un-life.

"How…How the heck do you get your hair to do that?"

Confusion riddled the lethal young man's insane crazy face of doom. "My hair?"

"Yes, how do you get it to stick up like that in the front?"

"I don't…." The swordsman trailed off as he raised a hand to rub the gravity defying strands of his hair between the thumb and index finger of the hand not subduing his current victim. "I'm not sure…They just do that." He hadn't really thought about it, but most of the people he knew had gravity defying hair. Maybe it was a sort of associated group gravity defying hair thing they all shared…or maybe it was just that the graphics sucked that they had to do something to make him look interesting. Either way, it baffled him slightly to the point that he-Oh what the crap?! Where'd that damn freak go?!

As the swordsman had been dazing off, figuring out how his hair insisted on screwing with Newton's Laws, Xemnas had managed to scramble away and scamper towards where he thought was a door. However, he didn't get very far when a blur of silver and black cut into his view and he skidded to a halt just before he got a sword through the neck.

"God! Leave me alone! I'm not going to bother you or anything. Now if you'll move I'll be on my way," he said trying to side step but was once again blocked by a dead pan stare and a long pointy object. Xemnas narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. "Now listen, I'm fairly sure I don't have anything you would want from me, seeing as I'm rather at a loose of possessions, so if you'll just get the hell out of my _way!_"

Xemnas emphasized the last word by summoning one of his aerial blades and smacking the long sword out of his way, trying to side step around him and was met once more with a blade in the face, which he was forced to parry lest it take off pieces of his nose.

Apparently this man didn't have a big long sword just for show. Not only was Xemnas having a hard time staying out of his reach, but he was also finding it difficult to even get close to him for a strike. That wasn't even counting the excessive amount of speed this man had. But that was alright, he was Xemnas after all and he wasn't the former-leader of a shady organization of cultish people for nothing.

Summoning his other blade, he went after him with a renewed sense of optimism…sort of…and mustered the speed he'd used during his last moments of life. Jumping gracefully over a sword sweep, a struck down expecting to clip his shoulder, but only managed to clip off hair.

He landed and crouched very close to the ground, glad to have done it as a sword whipped by over his head, and he reflexively swung a blade before and behind him, not quite sure where the man was, but hoping to at least clip his foot. He only managed to clip off the end of his coat, much to his irritation, and with a disgruntled cry, he made a series of portals, appearing and disappearing within them, until he managed to come out from the ground beneath the man's feet, propelling himself up and slashed sideways, which, of course, the little shit parried.

However, Xemnas was very surprised that as he'd backed away from him and went to flip over him, the man had somehow ended up behind him, grabbed a hold of his ankle and chucked him at a wall at a speed that probably would've killed him, if he were alive, and if he hadn't pulled a Tifa and landed on his feet on the wall, for a cheesy split second then came back at the man with another downward slash.

This little scuffle went of for a while, each man failing to get the upper hand, and also because the Goddess couldn't think of anymore cool battle moves to put in, she had the _mysterious_ white haired wonder boy catch Xemnas off guard by stabbing savagely at his leg as he scrambled between his legs, giving him just enough time to pin the dark skinned man by the arm, but not enough time to avoid the glowing red blade that stabbed into his shoulder.

The sat their for a moment, or actually, loomed over/loomed under each other, breathing like dying cows and possibly trying to figure out what to do next. Xemnas was a little disgruntled at having his arm pierced through and torn up, but he was a little distracted by the freakishly long white hair pooling around him, enshrouding him in a curtain of shifting spun threads. He suddenly wanted to touch his hair, but there were more important things to worry about, like the blood not staying in his arm and the fact that his leg was randomly spasming and flopping around. That might be a bad thing.

"Who are you?"

"Wha-?" Xemnas blinked suddenly, having been very much into getting himself lost in those bizarrely hued eyes lurking above him with so much authority it might even rival his own glares of doom.

"Who are you?"

"…You want to know who I am and not why I've come here? That's a bit odd."

"I already know why you're here. You're here because you're dead and instead of getting thrown in the furnace you're being given the chance to repent for your sins. I received the same note as you when I came to this place."

"…Well, I suppose that would certainly explain a great many things." Like why he wasn't wearing his robe and instead was given this piece of flimsy clothing. He cringed slightly as the silver haired swordsman shifted his blade a little to the left within the wound, biting back a sharp hiss and instead twitched an eyebrow and gave him a rather displeased look. "By the way, you can get that damn thing out of me now."

"First, I want to know who you are."

"Well, what if I wanted to know who you were first?" He asked, jamming his own blade deeper into the other's shoulder, a slow sadistic smile spreading over his face as those unbreakable features faltered for a moment under that brief pain. Xemnas liked it when they flinched.

"What if I wanted to kill you first?"

"Who do you think would win?"

"I don't know. Would you like to find out?"

Xemnas narrowed his eyes, as did this odd youth looming above him, and as much as he'd liked to have continued the staring contest, there was just something in his eyes that worried him a great deal. Xemnas closed his hand, banishing the blade that'd been imbedded in the swordsman's shoulder and let out a rather disgruntled, defeated sigh.

"My name is Xemnas."

The swordsman didn't respond, but instead remained in his place looming above him, studying him like a vulture studies a potential starvation victim. Perhaps he hadn't heard him. He had said it rather softly, softer than he usually would, but having a sword in your arm sort of drew your focus away from verbal communication.

"Forgive me, perhaps I wasn't loud enough. My name….is Xemnas."

"…"

"My name…is Xemnas…and I'm dead."

"…"

"My name is Xemnas, I'm dead and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hello Xemnas," the man said thoughfully, and for some very unnerving reason, Xemnas had to keep himself from shaking upon hearing his name come from a voice with a near equal tone as his. It was very creepy and very sexy and it was scaring him very much because this was not the time to be thinking about such things.

All too suddenly, he yanked the sword roughly from Xemnas' arm, forcing the startled gasp of pain he'd been hoping for from this strange dark skinned man, and rose up dragging the man up with him by the arm he hadn't stabbed through.

Xemnas flailed for a moment before steadying himself, only to fall over again against the man as he realized his leg was still sort of dead from being stabbed at. He glared irritably up at the white haired evil.

"This," he pointed at his leg. "Is your fault. You know that right? Be a gentleman and carry me since I can't move my dead leg."

"You'll heal soon enough." He dismissed Xemnas and began to walk away, cringing painfully as something yanked sharply at his hair. He whirled around, or at least tried to without falling over with his head pulled back as it was, and eyed the irate looking man clutching a fistful of his hair in one of his hands.

"I'm not healing right now and it hurts. Carry me. Now." Xemnas clenched his fist tighter pulling slightly on the elegant strands of spun silver, making it perfectly clear that if his demands weren't met he had no problems with pulling all his hair out, even if this crazy fool would most likely fillet him.

Despite the fact that he was pretty much juggling with his life and just demanded something from a man who he didn't know, had lost to him in a battle ( in his perspective) and was literally quite vulnerable at the moment, was very amusing to the silver haired swordsman. He already knew this cat wasn't wearing any underwear. He'd suffered the same indecency when he'd been dropped here and had the same conversation with the Goddess/Narrator/Author person figure head. He turned around and stepped closer to Xemnas, narrowed his eyes then cracked an empty crooked smile as he tilted his head to one side

"As you wish, your majesty," came the exaggerated response as he picked him up around his waist and slung him carelessly over his shoulder, ignoring the onslaught of curses and nails scratching at his back.

"By the way, my name is Sephiroth."

"I don't care what your name is! I'm calling you Mud, you evil little shit!"

_----___

**A/N: **Blah. Short and crappy. But maybe some person out there doesn't mind this random attempt at a Sephiroth x Xemnas fic

**Xemnas: **This's an abomination of a fanfic. I think no ones going to read it.

**Mille: **Nah, I think you're just mad that I paired you up with Sephy.

**Xemnas: **Well, I'm sure Seph hates it too. Right?

**Seph: **Eh…I think I'll survive. (Mill promised that he'd get to stabbity Xemnas a lot in this fic.)

**Xemnas: **oO;;


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Eh, 1 review is better than no reviews. :D –Engage Optimism to the max- I'm really hoping that adding more chaptersgetting more reviews. I really suck at summaries, but I do believe this story will be mildly, if not, quite entertaining…or maybe that's just me that finds it entertaining. O.o

**Disclaimer: **…Well…technically…if you change three things about something-

**Lurking Lawyers: **::Glares of lurking loominess that threaten to gut your finances like rotting fish::

Alright fine, I don't own Kingdom Hearts --;;

**Warnings: **Still more language, half naked bishies, insane amounts of OOC and reptiles.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**The Winding Road To Wonderland**

Or a better title:

_In which they encounter the Trail Dancers underfoot_

_----_

"**T**here are lots of mirrors in this room."

"Gracious me, it's ever so lovely to have someone around to state the obvious."

Sephiroth blissfully ignored that last comment because he had a feeling he wouldn't be able to get away with stabbing the man again. He'd gotten smart after the first couple of times he'd pinned him to a wall, but unfortunately he was rather quick to learn when to dodge his thrusts…heh heh…thrust.

Keep your mind outta the gutter Sephy! It's only the second chapter!

"Sorry."

"What was that?"

"Nothing, just apologizing to the Goddess."

"…" Xemnas had forgotten between Chapter 1 and this one that the narrator periodically intruded upon the story, so for the moment, the golden eyed man decided that Sephy was mildly schizophrenic, which is far too close to the truth than he ever would imagine.

That was the least on his mind though, he was much more irritated at the fact that between the room he'd woken up in, the lengthy hallway filled with elegant religious-ey looking frescos and this very large room covered from wall to ceiling to floor with mirrors of various designs, shapes and sizes, they'd made absolutely no progress at all.

Xemnas hadn't liked the fact that there were mirrors on the floor; you wouldn't either if all you had on was a thin piece of fabric for clothing, so he'd been sitting on the ground for the past hour or so to preserve some shred of his dignity while the silver haired schizoid tramped around the room looking for something…something…actually he hadn't thought to ask what he was looking for.

"If you're looking for a door I doubt you'll find one, unless you've just decided to ignore our surroundings and keep a positive outlook on our situation."

He ignored him…AGAIN. Really, he wasn't asking for him to hold a philosophical conversation about the inner workings of jelly donuts or anything, just a simple yes and no here and there or at least something to let him know he wasn't as completely uncivilized as Xemnas figured he was. Or maybe he was asking for too much, after all, this was supposed to be Purgatory, civility wasn't the highest thing on the menu down here.

Folding his arms over his chest, Xemnas sighed and watched the Boy Wonder inspect one particular mirror, feel around behind it, back away, then made some sort of decisive noise as he stared at the wall of mirrors opposite him, then over to Xemnas.

"This's the one. Come here."

"Is it important enough that I have to get up to see this? Can't I just see it from where I-"

"Get. Up. Now."

"Alright, alright, calm down Attila." Struggling to his feet, he carefully made his way over to the man, watching his eyes to make sure he wasn't peeking anywhere he shouldn't be and stared at the mirror he was displaying to him. He shrugged lightly, paused, then licked his finger and rubbed a smudge off his cheek.

"Well, that's nice of you to go so far out of your way to tell me there's dirt on my face."

Sephiroth gave him a disgruntled look. "That's the wrong mirror idiot. Stand before this one," he said grasping his arm and roughly yanking him over to the red rimmed one he'd been inspecting earlier.

Xemnas was about to bitch at him for manhandling him when he realized something just wasn't quite right about this mirror, and it took him a full 8 brain cells to figure out that his feet were backwards, actually, his entire reflection was backwards, as well as the part of the swordsman that could be visible within it. He narrowed his eyes and looked to another mirror, finding that his reflection was perfectly normal, and then back at the odd mirror playing funhouse with him.

"I'm assuming………………….this isn't an ordinary mirror."

"It's so nice to have someone around to state the obvious."

"Oh hush, no one asked for your input."

Sephiroth replied with a thin smirk and then turned his attention to the crazy backwards mirror thing with possible metaphoric meaning behind it. "While I've been here, I have noticed that out of all these mirrors, only one of them is not truly a mirror, but is in fact a doorway, and the only way to find this doorway is to find the one that skews your reflection."

He paused for a moment to turn his back completely away from the mirror, and Xemnas watched with an insane amount of fascination as his reflection, previously backwards, turned itself forwards. What he wouldn't give for a punch in the face to make sure he wasn't hallucinating…but that would be alright if no one punched him. He'd still be happy.

"Every 5 minutes," Sephiroth continued. "These mirrors shift, and with it, the doorway shifts to another mirror in this room."

"Well isn't that mystical," Xemnas sighed tiredly. He really wanted a bath…and some clothes. He missed his robe, even if it was practically the only piece of decent clothing he'd really had post-Nobodyness.

He was going to ask something about why someone would make a doorway out of a mirror, wondering if it had some higher aesthetic meaning to it, or perhaps it just made the story that much more interesting than just a roomful of random doors, when the silver haired man backed up into the mirror and, holy toast on bread! He went straight through the damn thing and friggin vanished!

"?!?!!? Wait! Come back here-" Xemnas made the mistake of running into a mirror. He felt very silly for doing that, and the Goddess thought he looked very silly doing it too, so she laughed at him.

"It's not funny! My nose is bleeding damnit!"

The Goddess was very surprised that Xemnas didn't break his nose…or the mirror…but maybe now his pride was a bit fractured.

"I've a feeling my pride is going to be raped and beaten every which way in this fic."

The Goddess thinks Xemnas is very perceptive….but anyway.

Collecting his composure and looking around for any teeth that might've fallen out of his head, Xemnas eyed his backwards reflection, turned himself around as Sephiroth had done, prayed to whatever power governed the area for safe measure and ran backwards through the doorway….which failed…because he ran backwards into the mirror, which was no longer a doorway, but had become a regular old mirror after the white haired wonder had vanished through it.

Running backwards into a mirror is even funnier than running forwards into a mirror, and the Goddess broke a rib laughing at Xemnas.

"Stop laughing at me! I don't think I can see out of my left eye anymore!"

The Goddess just sighed and rolled her eyes, wondering when Xemnas was going to remember a key piece of information about the mirrors and the doorway.

"What key piece of information?"

…About the doorway…

"About the doorway."

…And the mirrors…

"And the mirrors."

…….About the connection between the doorway and the mirrors!!

"…Doorway and mirrors….and-Oh yes! Yes! I remember; the 5 minute rule!"

The Goddess decided to keep her comments to herself in the interest of continuing the story, and thus had Xemnas search out the location of the next doorway-mirror thingy, which, after a few hours of searching, happened to be one of the mirrors on the floor, which only took so long because figuring out if your reflection is backwards on the floor is pretty tricky.

After staring at himself for a few moments, Xemnas sat down just before the mirror, looking back and cringing to find his reflection doing that strange forwards thing as he was turned away from it, said a small prayer to Tom Cruise, then tipped himself backwards through the mirror and screamed as he fell through something wet and…watery and…oh dear, looks like we've fallen into some body of water…which was horrible, because it is a little known fact that Xemnas didn't remember how to swim.

As his head broke the surface, the first thing he did was thrash and scream like a chicken with its head cut off. Somewhere not too far away from him, crouched down on top of a rock, Sephiroth was watching in silent amusement as the dark skinned man screeched and flailed about in the water.

"Xemnas."

"Can't swim! Can't swim! Gonna die! Gonna die! Oh my god, I'm gonna die!"

"Xemnas."

"Why're you just sitting there?! I'm dying! I'm drowning! Help me damnit!"

"Xemnas!"

"Fortheloveofgodpleasehelpmepleasehelpmepleasehelpme!!"

"_Xemnas!_"

"WHAT?!"

"Stand up. You're only in 3 feet of water."

Xemnas stopped his flailing for a moment, blinked, then slowly got to his feet and looked down at himself. Clawing his hair out of his eyes, he looked very sheepish for a few moments and then sighed irritably, jabbing a finger at the silver haired man doing a poor job of hiding his laughter.

"Don't you say a word."

"I don't believe I need to."

-------------

Xemnas wished there was a small animal around for him to kick into a bruised pulp. Perhaps then its wretched screams would take his mind off the ungodly pain in his feet and legs, actually, at some point in their wanderings, that pain had slowly began to crawl upwards into his body, and now he felt like a giant walking sore.

Ah! Correction! He was still sopping wet since he'd fallen in that small body of water…which had turned out to be a creek, so technically he was a giant walking sopping wet, miserably pitiful, sore…oh and he was still wearing just about nothing at all, because since the gown had gotten wet and suctioned against his skin, he really didn't consider it a piece of clothing anymore, so he was also sore, wet, naked, and all other sorts of miserable adjectives.

Xemnas looked tiredly around himself at the landscape they'd been wandering through for half of forever, which for the most part was just an excessive amount of flat short grassland with the occasional Tim Burton-esque tree or shrub sprinkled here and there. In fact, a few miles back, he'd narrowly missed being strangled by an emo weeping willow.

Despite that last bit of excitement, it hadn't been enough to distract his body from the fact that it was in pain…and he should stop…and if he didn't stop it was going to self-destruct with or without his consent.

"Hey, do you mind slowing down some? I'm in pain."

"If you ache it's because you're out of shape."

"I am _not _out of shape."

"Then why are you so far behind?"

Xemnas pulled a face and jogged a bit to catch up with the other man, who was somehow able to keep this same break neck pace for the past 5 hours, and wearing all that leather too! What the hell was he?! He wasn't even breaking a sweat and here he was, wheezing and gasping like a 90 year old cow with lung cancer. Or, well, maybe that whole no sweating thing had something to do with the fact that he was dead.

Things went on for a few more miles in relative silence, crushing, suffocating, Boa-constricting silence, until Xemnas was fairly sure that he no longer had any skin on the bottoms of his feet and to distract himself he decided to torment the swordsman into possibly getting him to let him rest for 5 minutes.

"Sephiroth."

"What."

"My feet hurt."

"…"

"Sephiroth."

"What."

"I'm cold and I'm wet."

"…"

"Can we please stop now?"

"No. Stop bothering me."

Xemnas sulked for a moment. "Please?"

"No."

"….Please?-"

Somehow, Xemnas had seen this cunning plan going very differently in his head. He'd managed to dance out of the way before Sephiroth's long shiny sword slashed his head off. Yet despite his increasing nimbleness, he wasn't able to avoid the pointy object nicking the end of his nose.

Xemnas tried to swallow the grapefruit sized lump in his throat as he stared down the length of the cold steel tickling his nose, trying to decide what flavor of malice was coating Sephiroth's eyes this time around.

"What?...I said please." Not the right answer apparently. Before his mind could register it, the silver haired man had closed the distance between them and was steadily cutting off his air with a gloved hand. His face was devoid of emotion, which made Xemnas wonder, through his momentary peril, if perhaps this man was also a Nobody that they'd somehow missed. He would've made a fine addition to their clubhouse cult, what with all that power radiating off him like a friggin-

"Xemnas," Sephiroth said very softly, cutting into his thoughts and digging his fingers into his neck just a little.

Xemnas couldn't answer because he was slowly suffocating, but he managed to nod his head and look as attentive as he could.

"I don't have to keep you alive, do you know that?"

Xemnas shook his head no. He was going to make some comment about him being already dead, so technically keeping him alive would be hard to do anyway…but he very wisely kept his comments to himself.

"It would be imperative to your well being if you remained in my good graces. Do you understand?"

Xemnas nodded as vigorously as he could with a hand around his throat, hacking and hungrily sucking in air when the hand released him and allowed sweet, tasty, oxygen, or whatever made up the air around here, to fill his lungs once more. The silver haired Nobody decided he didn't mind lingering so far behind the schizo after that.

_This can't possibly be Purgatory. This is something far worse if I had the impeccable misfortune of being stuck with him._

Once more, Xemnas shows us all just how perceptive he is!

"Are you mocking me?"

Why of course not dearie, why ever would you think such a thing?

"You say something back there?" Sephiroth didn't turn his head, but Xemnas noted that the fingers of his sword hand had twitched rather ominously.

"Em…There's gnats flocking around me?"

"That doesn't surprise me. You still smell like creek scum."

-------------

Normally fog didn't bother him, but its sudden oncoming and the fact that it was thick enough for Sephiroth to cut through it with his sword was agitating him.

Everywhere his golden eyes rested, he was met with a curtain of thick white foggy, soppy, dampness, which also reminded him that he was still somewhat wet, and still mildly miserable from being dropped in that lake…creek…but more importantly he was finding it very difficult to see two inches in front of his face. If he wasn't careful he'd-

"Ow! Could you pay attention and not run into me anymore?!"

"Well I'm sorry, it isn't my fault you blend in so well with this atmosphere, you pasty freak," Xemnas snapped, rubbing the spot on his face that'd smashed into the swordsman's broad leather clad back.

Said leather clad individual turned back to throw a poisonous comment at him, only to find that even with his dark skin, he could only tell that Xemnas was even there only because his golden eyes shone so brightly through the thick blanket of fog that'd descended. He raised an eyebrow.

"Are you related to anything remotely feline?"

"What?...No, why would you ask me something like that?"

"Your eyes are shiny. How do you get them to do that?"

"I don't….know? Why are you asking me this again?"

"No reason. Don't worry about it, and stay close to me. I highly doubt you could look after yourself if you got lost in this fog."

"You obviously don't know me very well." A vein stood out in the Nobody's head and for a few moments, the idea of stabbing him 12 times in the back with his blades, scalping him and tying him up with his own hair was very alluring.

However, whatever thought he was having was very nicely diced, cubed and served to guests at a cocktail party with toothpicks jammed in them, when he stepped on something slick and tubular, ah, but that's not what got him, what got him was the fact that said tubular object had a seizure and attacked his leg.

"Whatthecrap?!" Xemnas did the same crazy headless chicken dance and scrambling up Sephiroth's back to get away from it, where he remained, trying to find some leverage on the man as he hooked one leg over his shoulder and pulled at his hair.

"Ngh! Xemnas get off me! Quit pulling my hair out, damn you!"

"Something fucking _bit_ me!!"

"I'll bite _you_ if you don't get the hell off me!"

"I'm bleeding!"

"So am I! You're pulling chunks of my hair out!"

"Good god, what the hell bit me? I can stick my thumb in these holes."

Sephiroth was about to just peel Xemnas off his back with his sword, when he as well stepped on something which squirmed very violently out of the way and…was it cursing at him? That thing just cursed at him…and in a British accent.

"Sephiroth, I can't see the pathway anymore. Are you sure you were paying attention to where you were going?"

"That thing just cursed at me."

"That's nice, but we have more important things to worry about, like your lack of attentiveness!"

"Quiet!….Did you hear that just now?"

"No, I heard nothing, the very same sound that your empty head's going to make when I smack you around for leading us off the road!"

"Am I going to have to continuously remind you that you are expendable? Because you know I could very easily-"

A very loud bit of rustling sounded all around them and both men ceased their squabbling and stared through the fog, the green eyed swordsman crouching reflexively, halting any further movement he made and breathed faintly, getting a momentary snatch of déjà vu as a speck of memory teased at the general in his mind.

Xemnas had very slowly slid down from his temporary outpost, and dropped himself onto the ground, allowing just the tip of one of his blades to penetrate the flesh of his palm. It was only now that he noticed, upon a chance glance at the ground, that the grass they were standing on was laying over flat, as if something had been resting over it for quite some time.

Frowning curiously, he looked to the sides, finding that there was a visible line where the grass stood straight once more and where it lay flattened down. This same oddity was present as the flattened grass stretched out before and behind him, as if to create a path…Oh! Pathway!

"Sephiroth…I think this pathway moved itself," Xemnas said thoughtfully, looking up and out over the fog, wondering offhandedly if all this moisture wasn't bad for his lungs.

"Don't be daft. Path's don't just get up and move all on their own." Sephiroth was too busy worrying about all the shifty rustling noises in the grass. From what he could tell, there seemed to be at least 8 or 9 of whatever these things were that were stalking them lurking around. This fog was going to make it very difficult to kill things. It just wasn't fun to killing things when they refused to play by the rules.

While Xemnas' little brain cells worked themselves into a frenzy trying to decipher the mysteries of fog-life, he'd neglected to turn his eyes towards the ground once more, and the next thought that ran through his head was trying to figure out what this cold slippery thing was curling around his leg.

His head shot down and a muffled sound left his throat as he found his foot constricted by a white something or other. He wasn't sure what it was, or even cared what it was for the moment. All he knew was that it was all up in his space, it was a foreign object and it was molesting his leg.

Kicking his leg hard enough to knock himself backwards, he accomplished his goal of object removal, and watched as a thick white line sailed off into the air with a receding scream to collide with something in the fog.

Ha. 20 points for Xemnas. 0 for the beastie.

….Your keeping a score sheet now?

"Why not? It'll boost moral."

Eh, whatever helps you sleep at night. Now where were we? Oh yes, thick white screaming line flying off into the fog.

"What the hell was that?"

"Something else tried to attack my leg again, but fortunately I am equipped with catlike reflexes and have disposed of it before it could do further damage to my legs."

"Is that a fact."

"You're just jealous because I defeated one of them before you did."

Xemnas was very proud of himself. Rising very wobbly to his feet, he crossed his arms over his chest, and struck a triumphant pose until his brain registered that the thing he'd just kicked into the stratosphere had screamed, a very human sounding scream actually, and the thing was still making some sort of noise that sounded very much like words.

Well that was strange. What sort of beastie screamed like a human and rambled on in words?

The threat of danger gave way to the advancing tides of curiosity, and the two men threaded their way carefully through the fog towards the source of the noise that was growing louder as they approached.

"Stupid blitherin fool of an idiot!...Complete disrespect of-……Absolutely incomprehensible!..."

"I told you something was cursing at me."

"But why with a British accent?"

"Why indeed…"

The Goddess blinked rather innocently as Sephiroth stared up at her, somehow able to see her even though she is the narrator and has made herself invisible. The Goddess wasn't sure why she decided to give the beastie a British accent…it seemed much easier to type out the phonetic sounds of that accent, even if she'll do a crappy job of it, then trying to do the same thing with, say, French or German.

"Right. A monster yelling in French would be cause for much alarm."

And a beast yelling in German isn't any better either. Moving on!

Two platinum haired men eventually found themselves staring down at the thing they'd assumed to have been attacking them in the fog, and felt slightly silly for being chased by it actually. Lying there on the ground, writhing around itself in the grass was a small white snake, just about the length of ones arm, and accompanied with its thrashing was a voice that should've belonged in a disgruntled Englishman.

"Confounded Leggies! Always kickin me around like a bloody 'ooley 'oop! Simply no respect for Belly Walkers, no respect at all!"

They guessed all that thrashing and writhing around in the grass was because it was having a tantrum and not because it was having difficulty getting up. It made more sense, because it seemed rather impossible for a snake to be unable to get up without legs or arms.

At some point in its ranting it righted itself on the ground and shot its head up, narrowing its beady red eyes at the two figures looming over it and pulling its head back into what seemed to be its way of lifting its nose up at them.

"And what the 'ell do _you_ two want? Thought you'd come back an rough me up some more eh?! Spineless cowards, always pickin on Grass Wanderers jus 'cause were wee little things." It hissed savagely, but considering its size, it wasn't as intimidating a sound as it probably wanted it to be. "Well?! Aren't ya goin to say anythin?! Like maybe a 'sorry for almost killin ye' or maybe a 'sorry I kicked ya into next week' or somethin, eh?! Eh?!"

"Yes, Xemnas, aren't you going to apologize to the poor thing for kicking it?"

"Oh right, and just completely disregard the fact that the damn thing bit me!"

"Ah only bit ya cause you were standin on mah neck! You don't know 'ow 'eavy you are! You coulda killed me!"

"Oh, and you biting me isn't just as lethal?! How do I know you aren't poisonous or anything?!"

"Oh poppy cock! I ain't poisonous! What ya think I am, a Snake?"

"What else would you be?! You think maybe the fact that you have no arms and legs isn't just a birth defect?!"

"Don't ya get smart with me lad! Ah know what I am, and I ain't no Snake! No siree, I am a Belly Walker, a Grass Wanderer if ya please, and I won't take lightly to anyone tryin to lump me in with our unsavory ancestors."

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

Sephiroth was very amused by the fact that Xemnas was arguing with an English reptile, but as interesting as this all was, he wanted to get out of this damn fog, and he wanted the story to progress and not become a 4 page dialogue argument which sounded like it wasn't going to be conducive to the plot.

"Xemnas, apologize to the misguided reptile for kicking it. Misguided reptile, apologize to Xemnas for biting him."

Both parties seemed to want to protest to that idea, but Sephiroth had this very interesting way of negotiating with the threat of decapitation on the table, which was enough to persuade them both to kiss and make up…not literally of course. Kissing a snake is unhealthy I hear, and it would also bring the inter-species card into play, which we are so not doing in this fic.

"Now, if you don't mind," Sephiroth began calmly, crouching down before the snake that sort of shied away from the scary man-thing. "We seem to have run into some trouble in finding our way back to the road since this fog descended. Do you know your way around here well enough to lead us?"

"Of course I can lead you two out, it's mah job to be a guide anyway, an you should be lucky ya ran into me, or rather, ran onto me. Gimme a minute an we'll be on our way, k lads?"

The snake coiled itself into a ball and the swordsman backed away from it when its shape began to melt together in a bit of a white blob, its form expanding and taking on a human-esque figure, and after a brief pulsating glow of bluish white light, the figure of a crouching man was before him in the place of that snake.

The deathly pale young man raised his head, eyes covered with a white blindfold, wisps of thin straight white shoulder length hair with a few bird feathers sticking out if it, and gave him a pleasant smile. He was wearing a short white kimono of some sort, the top of which looked like it had been cut away to just above his narrow chest that was otherwise plain aside from the light purple flower patterns littering small portions of the fabric.

Bandages ran up the length of his arms, stopping just beneath his shoulders, as well as running up his legs to stop just below his knees, each tied together with some sort of thick string. He wore simple canvas shoes and an assortment of odd trinkets hung from his person wherever he could hook them.

Rising fluidly, standing just a few feet shorter than the two, he gave them another fangy happy sort of grin. In all honesty, if he hadn't made that goofball smile, he would've looked like a very graceful creature.

"Well? How do you like me now? I don't usually get ta take this shape unless guests are around." He chirped happily, spreading his arms out and twirling in a small circle and just looked entirely too happy to be anything remotely related to the cold slippery creature he was previously. "Oh! But no talkin time now, we've got ta get you two to The First Of, or they'll close the gates on ya and you'll get eaten by fog beasties."

Sephiroth watched the snake…thing…frolic off into the sunset singing show tunes before following after him, calling back to Xemnas who appeared to be in some state of moderate shock, which wasn't really shock at all, he was just mildly worried about following a blind singing snake to wherever it was they were supposed to go.

"You really think we can trust him to lead us the right way?" Xemnas whispered to the green eyed man beside him, watching the odd youth stop, blow on a whistle that made no sound, crane his head around as if he were listening for something, then dart off in some random direction. "I mean, he is a snake after all."

"He just said he wasn't a snake."

"Oh don't you start on me too!"

-------------

"Mmmmm….It's this way!"

"And how, pray tell, do you know that? You've been bobbing and weaving and blowing on that damn thing for 2 hours! How the hell do you know where your going?!"

"Mah friend's are telling me which way ta go."

"…Friends?"

"Yes, friends. See this whistle? That's 'ow we get people through the fog, but only we can 'ear em, and if another of us in the area 'ears it, they'll return the call and 'elp direct me to where I want to go. This fog's so thick, this's really the only way ta get through it. See? Arent'cha lucky ya ran into me? You woulda been wanderin around 'ere for the next millennium!"

Xemnas had decided that he was going to be surrounded by crazy people for the remainder of his un-life, and resigned himself to an anxious silence as he plodded on behind the silent figure looming beside him and the spastic little ghost flitting around ahead of him.

He was still wet because of all this damn fog, and even if he was thankful that the bites on his leg had healed a few miles back, he was still sure he was going to get bitten again. Every now and then there would be some rustling of grass here and there, sometimes near, sometimes farther away, but he was just waiting for it now. It was going to happen any minute now.

"You never did tell us your name."

"Oh, that's right, so sorry 'bout that. Names Elijah, but I'd rather you call me Eli, all mah friends do. And you are?"

"Sephiroth, and the unusually quiet thing over there is Xegnas."

"Xemnas! It's _Xemnas_ you idiot!"

"Right, Lembas, whatever. But I have to ask, why is it that you're out in this fog? Seems like a strange place to hang around in."

"No one told you who we are?" Elijah seemed rather shocked and awed by this bit of information that even a toddler should've known, but then logic kicked him in the teeth. "Oh, but of course no one told you, this's ya first time down here ain't it?"

Sephiroth chose to remain silent at that question, but Elijah went on regardless.

"That path you two were wanderin on, the one that sorta vanished on ya? They call it the Trail Dancers path, only cause it moves around so, which is our doin I'm sorry ta say."

"You mean to say you moved an entire trail?"

"Actually, we _are_ the trail." Elijah decided to further elaborate after a plethora of question marks popped up over the two silver haired men's head's.

"Ya see, in Purgatory, you've gotta do the whole atonin for ya sin's thing, and one of the sins of snakes was that our eldest ancestor lead man astray. So our penance is to remain as guides for 'owever long They see fit. We're rather partial to this fog though, so we shed our dirt skins for our natural forms when it comes down like this. We're fairly fragile creatures you know, we can't take a lot of direct sunlight or anythin too 'arsh like that. So while the fogs are about, that's about the only time we come up from being the pathway and enjoy it while we can. That's why you two might've thought ya lost yer way."

"Well that's rather inconvenient to someone trying to find their way," Xemnas huffed, intent on getting his two cents in, seeing as he hadn't said very much for the past few hours and didn't want to be forgotten.

Elijah scratched at his feathered white head with a bit of guilt. "Yea, guess it is partially our fault that so many people get lost and wander so…sometimes people be wanderin about forever and never find where it is they need ta go, but really, it's just no fun lyin on the ground for ages at a time. We get bored too ya know, wouldn't you be too if you 'ad to just lie here all day long?"

Well, Xemnas couldn't argue with that. If he had to be a pathway for the rest of his whatever-life, then he'd get bored after the first five minutes of each day. These Belly Walkers certainly had some patience if they had to lay around until a fog descended for them to move about in, but even so, there must've been another way to do that, because it was still terribly horrid to find that your pathway just up and moved out from under you while you were trying to walk it.

They walked on for a few more minutes in silence, their reptilian turned human companion continuing his odd motions of stop, blow, and listen, until a question that'd been rolling around in his mind conjured itself up.

"Why do you call yourselves 'Belly Walkers'?" Xemnas asked, dancing out of Elijah's way as he skittered too close to him and changed their entire course once more. "It seems like a much longer thing to remember than just 'Snake'."

"Shh! We don't speak that word 'ere!" Elijah had whirled around and was talking to the air, then Sephiroth walked over and turned him around to face them.

"…Why can't we speak it? There isn't a village of people around here that's trying to keep you ignorant from the outside world is there?"

"No, we don't use that word because that was the name used to describe us while we were still evil ridden beings. We call ourselves Belly Walkers, because that's the name we call ourselves now."

"…And what vigilante decided that one?"

"They did."

"Whose 'They'?"

"I….can't tell ya that. But I can tell you about what their plan was for the Trail Dancer's Atonement. The word Snake was the word given to the descendents of the First Tempter, who was the first to lead man astray. But here, we are able to cleanse ourselves of our evils by taking up the new name Belly Walkers, or Grass Wanderers, so that we may find it easier to focus on atoning for the sins of our previous lives without the name of our ancestor looming over us."

"…"

"What?"

"Nothin. It all sounds so very noble and backwards to me."

"Well, that's just 'ow things are down 'ere." Elijah frowned and blew on his whistle again. "Ya do ya job, keep ya nose clean an' don't ask too many questions."

Xemnas was beginning to worry just a bit more about his predicament. It seemed that Purgatory was a very odd beurocraticical sort of place that wanted to pull the sheep hide over your eyes. If this place was convincing snakes that they weren't snakes, then what exactly did that mean for himself and the Schizoid? Who knew? Maybe they would try and convince him that he wasn't really a Nobody, but he was really an angst ridden goth kid or something.

You might as well be a goth Xemnas. You were the leader of a cult, so technically you've already hit most of your goth bases.

"It was _not _a cult!"

Right, and shady figures in black cloaks skittering around doing shady sort of things in the shadows isn't cultish at all. I'm surprised you guys didn't go out and sacrifice a blonde haired blued eyed kid…oh wait, well, there was Roxas wasn't there.

"We did _not _sacrifice him!"

Eh, give or take a few years and he would've been devil chow.

"I'm not continuing this conversation."

"Does he do that often?" Elijah was very worried by Xemnas' sudden bout of self-conversing. Xemnas had seemed like such a nice, level-headed sort of fellow.

"Don't worry about it. You get used to it after a while."

_----_

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**A/N: **I'm so not happy with this chapter. I swear I could've put more random funnyness in here, but I think school sucked all the funny out of me, that and I wanted to explain some bits about Eli and what his job was. Please give Fuss more reviews, Xemnas has promised to let Sephy stab at him more if you do.

**Xemnas: **Funny, I don't remember agreeing to that. ::glares::

**Sephy:** You might not remember, but the 12 glasses of Gin and Tonic remember, and it just sort of slipped out after that.

**Xemnas: **You people suck. -.-


	3. Chapter 3

Hey look, another chapter:D

**Porporino the III: **I never see the 4th wall. I think it might be made out of rice paper. And yes, I'm pretty sure that the more chapters I put up, the more I think that Xemnas is going to eventually become more of a masochist, what with Seph stabbing him all the time. xD

**Jewlin-chan: **I think pretty snake man Eli's going to be popping up here and there throughout the story. He's sort of a part of the guild mentioned in this chapter, so it's going to be unavoidable that our daring duo's going to run into him from time to time.

**-:-Warnings-:-** Eh, same things as before. Dime store romance adjectives, possible insane OOC, lots of rambling, language, and some other junk maybe.

**Disclaimer:** Kingdom Hearts and all its lovelies are property of their respective owner…damnit.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**The Un-Royal Order of Underpaid, Overworked, Never Loved, Civil Servant's Guild**

Or a better title:

_In which Purgatory just got a whole lot crappier_

_----___

**T**he First Of, mentioned in the previous chapter, turned out to be a city roughly the size of New York, if New York existed in the Kingdom Hearts world, but since it doesn't we can say that it was just a very big place reminiscent of Hallow Bastion, post-Malificent turns giant flammable lizard, slapped together with Traverse Town.

When they'd first entered the place, the mass volume of human beings, things remotely looking like human beings, and then some things that were somewhere between alien and non-human beings, had been the first thing to momentarily overwhelm the two men. Xemnas got over it pretty quickly, although he hated having to share his oxygen with such lesser specks of insignificance, but Sephiroth had to be continuously persuaded to not stab people.

It'd gotten increasingly difficult to keep him off his violent tangent when they'd entered the Registrar, a very large place with even more people so generously provided for Sephiroth to play Wack-A-Mole with his sword, which, unfortunately, he never got the chance to, damnit.

And now here he was, sitting all by his lonesome in this huge building they'd forced him to go into with another insane amount of people within it that he wasn't allowed to kill, while Elijah had dragged Xemnas off to the Lost and Found to see of his clothes hadn't come through Customs and been bagged somewhere. He'd briefly explained to the silver haired swordsman that Xemnas needed his clothes back, because a tentacle monster had come too close to pushing this fic into X-rated waters, as well as needing to get him processed in the Registrar's record hall so he could start his Atonement work.

The Registrar itself, the place Sephiroth was currently stuck sitting in one of the thousands of chairs lined up in the area, was a huge place filled with people running to and fro, lots of yelling dead employees, crying children, heavy accents, and the occasional voice on a loud speaker shouting out whose number was next in line to stand in another line which would ultimately lead you to another line.

You could call this the Spiritual DMV, Dante's unmentioned 7th circle of hell.

Yawning lazily, Sephiroth slid further down in his chair as he wondered what level of neurosis you had to demote yourself to when you wanted to keep a record of all the scum that lined the bottom of the world's bathtub. Ah, but he would never call himself scum, no, he'd much rather be known as a virus of some sort, yes, or maybe a cancer, if he really had to choose.

Now this was sad. He, The Great and Mighty General Sephiroth, was trying to figure out what sort of affliction he might be. An all time low for the One Winged Angel. But if I had to say, I'd think you'd be, like, the Black Plague or something.

"Black Plague's so archaic, why not Lupus(1)?"

Nah, you're too evil to be Lupus. But I don't think there's a disease that's described as one that just doesn't friggin die when you kill it 8 times.

"I know, I'm a tenacious bastard aren't I."

Well, you _were_ a tenacious bastard, and then you got killed by a guy with gravity defying hair and his groupies.

"That wasn't one of my best days."

Cheer up panda bear; I'm sure you'll get him next time.

The young man with a block of wood wedged in his skull sitting beside Sephiroth, who was also here to get himself processed and explain how his cause of death wasn't solely the 2x4 jammed in his noggin, was giving the silver haired man some very strange looks because, we must once again remind everyone, that only two people got to hear the voice of the Goddess, so Woody here was thinking that maybe the guy sitting next to him was just chatterin away like a lil Blue Jay to a Humming Bird that just wasn't there.

But Woody doesn't matter, and to remove his distraction from the story, an anvil was promptly dropped on his head, smashing him through the floor and out our minds.

Soon after that, in an effort to keep the story moving, Casper, the friendly ghost-er, Elijah, the friendly snake man, returned with Xemnas leading the way, who looked very pleased to have been able to find his robe, gloves, boots and some skivvies in a marked bag in the Registrar's Lost and Found, which brings up the question of the Lost and Found's existence in a place like Purgatory, but he was not very happy that his left butt cheek was still aching and was still rubbing at it with a sour expression on his face.

Sephiroth rose to meet them halfway between the small empty part of the building they occupied, which was only empty because all the people running around in between them had gotten crushed by anvils because they were in the way of our protagonists meeting up with each other.

"Seph, what'd you do to all these people?"

Sephiroth hadn't even noticed that there were countless bodies with anvils atop them strew about them until Xemnas mentioned them.

"You think _I_ did this?"

"We were only gone for 2 hours; you think you could've found something a bit more constructive to do in that time?"

"What's wrong with you? You keep rubbing yourself."

"…I...I don't wanna talk about it."

" 'Ee got 'imself tagged," Elijah said for him, ignoring the venomous look that was shot his way. " I 'ad 'im go get branded…er…processed in the Registrar's record Hall. 'Ee's now in the system and ready ta serve the public!"

"Serve…the public?" Xemnas couldn't help but note that Sephiroth hadn't made a joke about him getting a brand like object on his ass, so he was under the suspicion that perhaps the silver haired man had a brand mark somewhere on his body…somewhere on his very well-built body…somewhere on his gorgeous body…somewhere on his Adonis-like body…somewhere on his-

Okay Xemnas we get it! Geez, at least wait till after the 5th chapter or something to start up the gratuitous adjectives!

"Sorry, my train of thought got stuck in a loop."

"…Who ya talkin to lad?"

"The Goddess."

Elijah gave Xemnas a look so blank it'd scare paper.

"Nothing, forget I said anything. What's this you're saying about public service?"

"Ah yes! 'bout that." And from out of nowhere, Elijah pulled out two manilla folders and handed them to the two silver haired bishounen with a happy little snakey smile.

"_The Un-Royal Order of Underpaid, Overworked, Never Loved, Civil Servant's Guild welcomes you to it's ranks Xemnas!… Xehanort… Ansem…whoever the fuck you are now, you schizophrenic megalomaniac,_" Xemnas read aloud the first words written across the cover of the paper inside his folder in the same spidery neat writing that had been written on that piece of paper he'd found stuck to his leg upon first waking up in Purgatory.

He looked slowly up at the still smiling reptile boy. "Please tell me…this isn't…what I think it-"

"Yes it is! And I would like ta be tha first ta welcome ya to the U-ROUONLCS Guild! Sephy, you're already apart of it, so that folder's just what ya next job is."

"I can hardly contain my enthusiasm."

"By the way, good work on completin this job without stabbin up yer future partner too much."

"Wait, who with the what now?" Xemnas could feel his head beginning to eat itself from all this sudden information.

"The last job the U-ROUONLCS gave 'im, was to find you an' lead you 'ere, along with my 'elp, without killin ya." Elijah explained very simply before turning to Sephiroth once more and gave him a Gold Star smile. "I'm sure it was real tough for ya, what with all those opportunities ta 'ack at 'im a bunch, like in the fog, while 'e was still unconscious. Good show of restraint there ol' chap!"

"Temptation can be such a difficult thing to overcome," Sephiroth replied dryly. He wondered what he'd get paid in this time, more cheap liquor that was really vinegar in a wine bottle, or perhaps they'd finally let him live in a room that was on par with a 1 star hotel.

"So anyway, that folder there's just a wee introduction ta what the Guild is, what it expects ya to do, rules, regulations, penalties, why you can't complain about anythin, why you'll get yer 'ead cut off if you ask for a raise, and also what they expect from ya while your performin your duties."

"_Public Service?!_"

"Yes Xemnas, public service. An' with the length of your record, you're goin ta be 'ere for a pretty long time," Elijah said, trying his best to look sage-like. "Ah, but don't you worry yer little noggin, ya won't be alone! Oh no siree! Every civil servant 'as to work with a partner, ya know, for safety an' all that."

"_Partner?!_"

"Mhm, you're partner, standing right next to ya."

Sephiroth did a crappy job of looking enthusiastic about it as Xemnas turned to stare at him, but maybe his lack of elation was because he was lathering it up with sarcasm.

"_**He's**__ my partner?! Why __**him**_" Xemnas shrieked angrily, pointing a twitching finger at the last man he wanted to be stuck with. Because this man had stabbity tendencies, in fact he'd been trying to stab him since the moment they met, and having to be his partner for who the hell knew how long, well, that just gave him more chances to stab him!

"You're so lucky Xemnas. Sephy's a real 'ard worker, aren'tcha Sephy?"

"Don't call me Sephy."

"Awwww, why not?"

"I've wanted a snake skin belt for a while."

"Alright, alright, geez, don't gotta get all 'omicidal on me."

"_Why the hell are __**you**__ my partner?! I don't __**want**__ to be you're partner!!_" Xemnas snapped, pulling bits of his hair out in frustration, which would've hurt at any other time if he wasn't having a small nuclear meltdown.

"I'm not too thrilled about it either."

"_Gah! Change it! Change it! I don't want to be anywhere near you!_"

"Why are you yelling in Italics?"

"_I don't know!!_"

"Mm…maybe I should see if I can't pull a few strings an' get you two a grace period of two days or somethin before ya start Atonement. Ya know, so you can get used to each other."

"I don't really care. I highly doubt it's going to make things any easier."

"_I'm not working with you, you pasty freak!_"

"Why are you still yelling? Is that supposed to scare me? What am I supposed to be afraid of? More yelling?"

-------------

Elijah was very impressed with how Xemnas had managed to turn white and remain that way for so long, but seeing as his natural skin color was fairly dark, he couldn't imagine how being so blanched for such a long period of time was healthy for him. Maybe he was anemic. Or maybe he was a Chameleon.

"Oh, sorry! Make a left 'ere, a left 'ere!" All the occupants of the tiny cab were promptly tattooed to the right side of the vehicle as it veered around a corner, narrowly missing running over an old dead woman, but the old man wasn't quick enough to dodge out of the way.

Sephiroth looked to Xemnas, expecting him to make some very loud statement about running over a little old dead man, but the Nobody was still as pale as he had been 8 streets ago and looked like he wouldn't be saying much of anything for a while.

Whatever, as long as he wasn't complaining or pulling the swordsman's hair out, he could stay traumatized for as long as he liked.

Turning his attention to the one of the dirty windows, he peered through it and out at the gray muted tones of The First Of, the under-city he'd been stuck in for the past…oh hell he didn't know how long he'd been here. Time had begun to mean very little to him. He now kept time by keeping track of all the partners that They, the higher powers that governed this little playground, had assigned to him with which to carry out his civic duties. So far he'd had about 12, and those were just the ones that had had the luck to survive past the White But Not Really White Room and the room with the mirrors whose name he'd had yet to find out.

He wondered how long Xemnas would last.

"Is this the place Seph?" Elijah had the cab driver stop before a rather run down apartment complex that looked like it'd been around since before Mary figured out God had very sneakily impregnated her.

"Yes."

"Eesh, They really move ya into some nasty places Seph."

"I'm not planning on being here for too long. They seem to like to move me around from shit hole to shit hole."

After the car's occupants had piled out, the swordsman paid the white haired driver, who looked very much like Elijah, and told him that if he drove them around just to raise the fare again, he was going to make Flan out of his lungs and feed it to his children. The cab driver did a very good impression of a bobble head and quickly drove out of sight.

"You _live _here?" Xemnas seemed to be over his initial shock of being employed as a civil servant and was feeling well enough to eye the rather suspicious looking building looming ahead.

"I've got such a lovely view of the landfill behind the place too."

-------------

If the outside wasn't enough for the Nobody to wonder if it was possible for a dead person to get diseases, the inside made him question if the diseases he could get weren't venereal.

At some point, the checkered floor must've been very nice and clean, but now there were huge cracks, tiles missing and enough grime to fill a crater surfing about in its crevices. The staircase's tiled steps seemed to be centuries old, and he had a feeling that he shouldn't lean on the wooden staircase spiraling upwards in a rectangular pattern above them. It also smelled like cats, which meant that the tenant was most likely an old woman, hopefully not that old woman they'd almost ran over.

Yet despite its state, it really could've been much worse for wear, if you looked on the blindingly bright side of things, but even with that glaring in your eyes, having to dodge a flying potted plant upon first opening the door to the foyer wasn't Xemnas' idea of a place he wanted to live in for the remainder of his afterlife.

"Wh-Was that a cactus?!"

"The Green's live on the second floor," Sephiroth sighed calmly, pulling Xemnas and Elijah out of the way of a flying armoire and over to the dimly lit spiral stairway. "They're another pair of partners living here, they were married to each other while they were alive, and they had the bad luck of seeing each other again."

"Bad luck?"

"They both slept with someone else while they were alive, died in some bizarre way and met up here in Purgatory by chance, where they are now partners. Periodically one will remind the other of their transgressions and the ground floor gets covered with the odds and ends that they throw at each other."

"Isn't that 'ow you found that beautiful floor lamp in your room Seph?"

"It is actually. I think it's an antique. I don't know why Mrs. Green would be throwing that thing around."

As they came to the second floor, Sephiroth cleaved a flying vase in two as it came hurtling down the stairs at them, and swiftly dragged the two men past the door with the angry couple. They reached the third floor and, as if out of habit, Sephiroth explained this floor's residents as well.

"A hooker named Lucy lives in that room," he pointed to a door with red and purple paint splattered all over it, looking more like a shaggy dog rolled around on it than someone with a paint brush took the care to blend the colors properly. "Don't go near her, she's a Succubus."

"There's a group of band members who live in here." They passed a dirty looking door with various stains on it, some of which, Xemnas was certain were not the results of bad paint mixing.

"Every Wednesdays and Thursdays they'll get together and make some loud drivel they call music, the same stuff that got them shot up at a concert I hear. Every other Friday or so they'll have an orgy, and on Mondays their lead singer will go out with some new thing he picked up off the street, and the guitarist will go out and see if he can't pick up anyone around here that seems new."

"Fabulous," Xemnas sighed looking back and eyed the door with some distaste.

"He won't go near you if you tell him I'm your partner."

"Why's that?"

"Just trust me. He won't bother you."

Upon reaching the fourth floor, Xemnas was waiting for Sephiroth to say something about this level, but it seemed unusually quiet up here and he could swear that a sudden ominous fog had descended as soon as they'd came up here. The walls had burns and gashes in them and there was a faint mixture of various chemical odors wafting up from somewhere.

"What the hell is that smell?"

"Lucas lives alone up here," Sephiroth said at length, indicating a charred up door whose number seemed to have fallen off, or maybe that pile of rust on the floor in front of the door was all that remained of it. Xemnas also couldn't help but notice that Elijah had slowly gravitated closer to him and was wrapped very tightly around his arm whimpering.

"He's a scientist. He accidentally killed himself while performing one of his experiments," the silver haired man explained. "He's one of the few people who come down here and aren't assigned a post as a civil servant due to their record."

"Lucky bastard," Xemnas muttered. He peered into one of the many rooms that was left open, and it looked like a very angry, very ashen flying monkey had stormed the place looking for something, then had to leave to return to Oz and blew a hole in the wall to get out.

"What's with all these rooms? Why are they all empty?"

"Nobody lives on the fourth floor anymore."

"Why's that?"

"Let's just say that if you happen to run into Lucas, don't drink, eat, or smell anything he offers you."

Xemnas learned that between the fifth and seventh floors there were lots of other crazy people, which really didn't bother him as he'd sort of lived with 12 crazy people for a time anyway. Sephiroth's room was on the sixth floor and it appeared that there were still people living on this floor with him. He figured it was only a matter of time before he killed them off just to have the floor to himself like Lucas did.

While the silver haired man was busy trying to find his room key, Xemnas peered up at the ceiling above with an elliptical opening of glass, and counted three more floors, giving the building a total of ten floors. He wondered briefly why Sephiroth hadn't said anything about those floors, but decided it wasn't important enough to worry about. Instead, he found himself distracted by the unusual sight that his partner had opened up to him.

He wasn't sure why, but Xemnas wasn't expecting the silver haired schizoid to have such an orderly living space. It wasn't the nicest room, nor was it the largest seeing as it was supposed to only accommodate one person, but with the way he'd set it up it seemed much more livable than what it should've been.

Somehow, despite being somewhat of a packrat it seemed, Sephiroth seemed to keep the usual chaos of such a mess to a minimum. The place looked lived in but still neat, much like any normal human being would call cozy. Damnit, no shrunken monkey heads or pieces of people lying around in the corners as he'd envisioned.

"What's with that look?"

"Hm?" Xemnas blinked suddenly and looked up at the swordsman to find him eyeing him and removing his sword from its place at his hip, placing it on a floor rack a few feet in front of a small coffee table, which he'd probably taken from the Green's as it looked a little beaten up.

"Oh, nothing, just wasn't expecting your room to be so neat."

"What? Were you hoping to find some skeletons in my closet?"

"Well if there aren't any I'll just have to find some for you."

Sephiroth gave him a look that bordered on amusement and then vanished into the bedroom on the left, which at some point looked to have double doors but was now just an open space. As a rustling sounded from the room that the silver haired man had disappeared within, Elijah took that moment to slink very purposefully towards Xemnas with a little smile teasing at his lips.

"Soooo, what'cha think?"

"What do I think of what?"

"Of 'im," he said motioning his head towards the door where a soft thud and a muffled curse sounded.

"I think he's obviously a psychotic."

"Oh, come on, 'e ain't all that bad!"

"He tried to stab me! Continuously!"

"Well, not too much apparently since your still 'ere an' in one piece."

"That's _not_ the point-"

"Look, just give 'im some time. E' really ain't so bad once you get to know 'im, but listen, I've got to go, I've been away from mah post long enough."

"Wait! What am I supposed to do now?"

"Don't worry 'bout a thing lad, the Guild will send someone to give ya the rundown on yer first job, but for now just relax."

"Relax?! In this place?! For all I know there could be a rapist on the seventh floor!"

"Actually, e's on the fifth."

"See that's-Wait _**what**_?!"

"Don't worry about it, e's as 'armless as a 'ummingbird, cute as a kitten really, but I really 'ave to go. I'll be by some other time to see 'ow yer 'oldin up! Bye now!"

Xemnas was about to throw Elijah to the ground and force him to explain whether or not he was really serious about that rapist thing, but before he could catch him he'd turned all reptilian on him and slithered out the door and down the stairs with a speed that defied the physics of all things arm and legless.

Sighing tiredly, he closed the door behind him, wandered in a little frustrated circle about the room and then over to the window, cringing slightly as he realized Sephiroth hadn't been kidding about that landfill behind the place. He was just thinking what could possibly be thrown in a landfill in the Underworld, when something loud and heavy fell against the floor above him, causing the ceiling to shudder and knocked over a precariously placed book on the edge of one of the bookcases lining the cracked walls.

"Sounds like Antonio's moving furniture around again."

Xemnas turned at the voice behind him and tried to get his brain to digest this unusual look Sephiroth had taken on in all of 3 and 1/4 bacon eating minutes.

_Oh my god, who the hell __**is **__this man?_

"If you're going to be living with me, there are a few rules you need to observe."

He was wearing a heavily starched white shirt with silver lined spade cufflinks, black tie, form fitting vest and pants and a pair of the most obsessively polished dress shoes. There was a black long coat draped over one of his arms, a plain looking thing, but would somehow add a James Bond level of sophistication to the swordsman.

"Along with not complaining in general, you are not to complain to me for any reason about the space with which I've allowed you to remain in, and if you do so, the hall closet will be your new home."

He'd also slicked his gorgeous silver hair back and gathered it in a loose neat braid, which allowed Xemnas to study the strong gentle angles composing his young face. He hadn't noticed before, but the man had catlike pupils, something he'd missed as his hair had been either in his face, or Xemnas had been too worried about where his life hung at the end of his sword to notice.

"You _will _respect my personal space. My level of comfort dictates how many times a day I will refrain from stabbing you."

From where he was, Xemnas could vaguely catch the scent of cologne that he placed as Egyptian Musk. That was another odd thing. He never really thought of Sephiroth as a man who preferred a manufactured scent over the smell of his own body, but then again, he was still some sort of human being, maybe, and every now and then smelling like yourself just wasn't very attractive.

"As I am not partial to having to do everything myself, you will share the load of keeping this place clean. If I find anything out of order, I will shave off a portion of your hair."

Tilting his head slowly, Xemnas very deliberately milked in this rather odd version of the swordsman; his broad shoulders, strong but gracefully nimble fingers, long sculpted legs, he looked like he was all legs anyway, and it was killing him that his brain was trying to figure out what the flesh accentuating those clothes looked like beneath them.

"Other than those simple things that I'm sure even your brain can process, there shouldn't be anything else I must illuminate in order for our time together to run smoothly. Do you understand what I've told you Xemnas?"

Sephiroth hadn't struck him as the kind of man that would wear anything but leather, seeing as he looked so damn good in it, why on earth would he want to change his style now? Oh, that's right, he was a civil servant as well, his partner. Maybe this was the uniform they all had to wear. Well that was certainly nice of them to give them a formal dress code, because Xemnas had been worried about being stuck in a drab old thing for the rest of his dead-ness.

"Xemnas?"

But really, now that he saw him like this, the man could probably look good in anything, even a pair of rabbit ears, red bowtie and a fuzzy peach thong…holy hell…where'd _that _thought come from?!

"Xemnas!"

It wasn't like he was thinking about him in that sort of way, oh no, it technically wasn't possible for him to do so, what with the lack of heart and emotions thing, but he could still imitate emotion, and as of late lust seemed to be high on the list. No, he wasn't lusting after this man. This man was insane! He'd been attacking him since the moment he'd woken up here! Oh, but damn his overactive imagination to-

"XEMNAS!"

"WHAT?!"

"Did you hear what I just said?"

"Of course I did! No bitching, speaking, thinking, invading, breathing, eating or living. Did I miss anything?"

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow but decided that he didn't have to remove one of Xemnas' fingers for listing the rules in the wrong order. He had a feeling he didn't have to worry too much about him respecting his space and helping him keep this place relatively clean, as Xemnas had had a fit about not being able to bath while they were on the Trail Dancer's road.

But the complaining…Yeah…That one might be hard for him. Well, no, matter, he was a very lenient teacher, and for that he'd only take a 1/8th of his skin instead of the usual ½ he usually removed if the rule was broken.

"I'll be out for the remainder of the day and I shall return after midnight. You may do as you please so long as you don't leave this building."

"Alright mother, will you spank me if I'm not in bed by 8?"

"If you tempt me I just might punish you."

Xemnas grinned.

"With my sword."

Xemnas glared.

"Has anyone ever told you you're a sick bastard?"

"Has anyone ever told you you're a masochist?"

Sephiroth chose that moment to shoot Xemnas a parting smirk, riddled with all sorts of dark ambiguities, before letting himself out and shutting the door softly behind him. He had to get the hell out of there so he wouldn't kill his last parting shot by cracking up after Xemnas made that face. It'd looked like someone had just accused him of eating the last Twinkie, which he was trying to deny with it still in his mouth.

_Even if he doesn't last as my partner, I can always keep him around for replay value._

-------------

Sephiroth worked at a bar; the Goddess decided to withhold the particulars of said bar until a later time, but she promises to add further detail to that rather simplistic statement.

So anyway, Sephiroth worked at a bar…which is mighty fun to say, but the importance of that statement is that it explained why Sephiroth returned home so late on a…Tuesday night. The Goddess chose Tuesday because her favorite class, Life Drawing, is on Tuesday, but none of you care about that.

Technically though it was Wednesday morning, as he got back just a little after midnight, and even if half the building was still awake and being loud as all hell, he was very intent on getting some good hard sleeping in. Sleeping so hard and good that lions in the Pride Lands would look up from masticating a Zebra and say: "Wow! That's some hard sleepin there Bobby Boy! Now pass me that drumstick."

After making sure that all 5 of the locks on his door were shut tightly (he had 5 because he lived above Lucas. Everyone who lived above Lucas had 5 locks), he threw his coat over the back of a chair and lumbered over to stare into the all empowering light hiding inside the refrigerator.

He hung there for a moment, trying to figure out why his brain wasn't letting him gravitate over to the bedroom, until he realized that there was food missing. He frowned. Xemnas ate his food……the little bastard ate his food. And he'd just gotten finished explaining the personal space rule no more than some amount of hours ago-Wait no, there wasn't any food missing. It was all still there, it was just…organized?

Well, no, there was an apple missing, but yes indeed, there was organization within his fridge. All the fruits and vegetables had been placed on one shelf, bread on one shelf, dairy, meat and other stuff on their respective shelves as well. And if that wasn't enough, everything had been further organized into alphabetical order and arranged according to the levels on the food pyramid.

Sephiroth very slowly closed the door and stood in the dark, wondering, pondering, if it was possible that Xemnas had done this while he was gone….he wasn't that obsessive was he?

Shaking his head tiredly, he decided to leave it to Rod Serling(2) to explain and dragged his half-conscious-ness to his bed, only to find that there was something in his bed, impeding him from confessing his undying devotion to his pillow.

Of course it was Xemnas. There wasn't anything else in this apartment that was big enough to take up that mass of space, unless their pest problem had gotten worse. Flicking on his bedside light, he stared down at the man lying in nothing but his leather pants in the center of his bed, curled up on himself like a 3 month old kitten (because saying he was sleeping in a fetal position brought up the image of a Xemnas fetus in the Goddess' head and it scared her.)

Somehow, even in his sleep, Xemnas still retained the same stoic demeanor he usually upheld, but somehow, with his eyes closed, completely dead to the world, his impassive expression seemed to gradate to a more ethereal level.

Sephiroth didn't make any point to stop himself as he reached out and gently brushed a strand of loose silver hair from the man's face, which broke into a slight frown at the contact for a brief moment, and the swordsman tilted his head to watch his face fall back into that soft vacancy he'd had previously.

_Who were you in your previous life? _He slowly sat down on the bed beside Xemnas, who stretched one of his arms out before him, rolling partly onto his back, legs still kept to one side and inhaled deeply before getting sucked back under another blanket of sleep.

_You have the face of authority. You have the face of one who demands respect, one with a will that suffocates. _He was running his fingers along the curves of his form, tracing the strained tendon in his neck as his head was turned away, the carefully engrained contours of his chest, the small ridges created by his ribs pressing up against his skin, on and along, down to rise of his hip and the curve of his leg.

A measured laugh escaped him. _You really are a piece of work. _And with that little bit of thought, Sephiroth gripped one of Xemnas' ankles and yanked him roughly off the bed and onto the floor as he reclaimed his place in the bed as its true reigning king.

Needless to say, after he'd suffered a mild heart attack, Xemnas was not very happy about being woken up in such a manner, but he couldn't back up his overwhelming irritation with anger charged words because his brain wasn't awake yet.

"_Hells the what about problem yours?!?!"_

"You've not been here for less than a day and you've already broken a rule Xemnas."

"Hmnn?!"

"Rule number 2; you _will _respect my personal space, personal space including anywhere that I reside around, within or upon, whether my body is present or otherwise."

"You're saying I have to sleep on the floor?" It took Xemnas a very long time to form that complete sentence.

"Seems that way, doesn't it."

"But there's stuff on this floor!"

"Relax, I just bought this rug, you'll be fine."

"_That's not what I meant!! There are __**things **__on this floor!!"_

"Oh yes, I should've told you about that. We're having a little pest problem."

"_Little?!_ That _thing _would've carried off one of my boots if I hadn't beaten it to death!"

"1 down, 50 more to go. Seems like you're much more useful than I thought."

Xemnas sulked and let his chin fall against the edge of the bed, glaring at the man pulling his clothes off and folding them neatly before placing them on a chair beside him. Normally, the Nobody might've let some lewd thought strut around in his head at the fact that the object of his latest eye fetish was stripping down to his skivvies before him, but he was just too angry and irritated to really give a rat's arctic chilled ass.

"I think your bed's big enough to fit two people."

"Well, I say _my_ bed is big enough for me and my ego. There isn't enough room for you." Sephiroth decided he didn't want to sleep bare chested tonight, it was supposed to get cold later, and went to dig up a tank top from his dresser, coming back to find Xemnas perched on one half of his bed. He glared.

"Off!"

"Please?!"

"Don't make me get my sword."

"Oh come on! You won't even know I'm here!"

"No, I won't know you're here, because you'll be sleeping on my doorstep if you don't move your ass."

Xemnas sighed dejectedly and gave him the best pathetic beaten look he could muster, hoping he was copying one of Demyx's forlorn looks as best as he could and slunk, or rather slid very slowly off the bed onto the floor and crawled away. He was just about to get up and just walk out and sleep on the couch in the living room, as his knees were starting to kill him, when that tell tale heavy sigh sounded behind him and a victory smile flashed over his face before he turned around.

"…..Yeees?" Xemnas must've been in theater in his past life.

"…Do you move around a lot while you sleep?"

"I don't think so."

Sephiroth eyed him warily, he eyed him a lot actually, just so he could have the excuse to look at this strange man some more, and then rolled his eyes and rubbed a hand over his face as he sat down on his side of the bed.

"Get up here then." He didn't have to ask him twice, Xemnas practically levitated over and was now standing on his side of the bed twisting his way out of his pants. Another excuse for him to watch him, and after the thought that it was indeed possible to very sexily slide out of your pants, Sephiroth threw one of his shoes at Xemnas, which he dodged of course.

"What?!"

"You are _not_ sleeping naked with me."

"Relax, I have undergarments on this time."

"I don't care. Stay there, I have some extra clothes you can wear."

Xemnas raised an eyebrow as he watched him stalk off and pull out a sleeveless shirt and a pair of black shorts that looked like they hadn't been worn in a while. The golden eyed man grinned slowly as he accepted the clothing and put them on, watching with an exceeding amount of interest as he watched his partner glance lingeringly over at him while he got himself situated.

_I know, I'm just too luscious for my own good. _

Eeeee, that wouldn't be the word I'd describe you as Xemnas.

"Oh shut up! What do you know? You're just a disembodied voice."

"Talking to the Goddess again?"

"She's been rather chatty lately."

Xemnas stumbled a little as Sephiroth killed the light and threw them into darkness, but eventually found his way under the sheets and very thankful that his schizophrenic friend hadn't actually made him sleep on the floor, or on his doorstep for that matter. He wondered, if he'd persisted, if he would've actually forced him to sleep outside, that was a little harsh after all…but then again, this was the same man that had been stabbing various parts of his body since they'd met.

"Fabulous. What a more literal expression of the phrase 'Sleeping with the enemy'," Xemnas muttered.

"You say something?"

"No, nothing. Goodnight, er, morning, whatever the hell time of day it is."

"Mmm," Sephiroth's brain was already beginning to shut itself down and turn to jello. Jello, he'd never had jello now that he thought about it. That was mildly depressing. Maybe that's what was wrong with him, that because he hadn't been givin jello as a child it fucked up the rest of his life. Yes, that made sense, it explained everything.

"Sephiroth."

"Mm? What?"

"….Thank you…for not being a complete asshole."

"Hmm."

"…"

"…"

"Sephiroth?"

"Xemnas, I'm going to strangle you with your aorta if you don't let me sleep."

"Is that your leg rubbing on my thigh?"

"What?"

"This thing here, is this you? 'Cause you have the nastiest amount of hair on your legs then. Hell, I don't think I want to sleep with you anymore."

"That's not my leg Xemnas, that's not even attached to my body."

"…It's not?"

"No."

"?!?!"

_----___

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Mille: **I dunno why this chapter's so damn long, guess I was havin fun with it. That and the fact that I got another review sort of boosted my moral:D But really though, I wouldn't mind some more reviews. I'm sure there's people reading this that aren't reviewing, so if your one of them, please drop me a review, even if it's not criticism or anything. It makes me feel all gelatinous to know that there's people actually reading this story that I worked on to make at least mildly interesting.

**Sephy: **Yes, review. I'll stab Xemnas more if you do.

**Xemnas: **Why am _I _always being abused? Do I ever get to abuse you?

**Sephy: **Never. :B

**Mille: **Maybe. :B

**Sephy: **See? The Goddess doesn't like you enough to-Wait what? O.o

**Mille: **::Cackles madly:: Anyway, onto the footnotes!

(1): **Lupus** is an autoimmune disease that screws up various parts of your body, from your skin, joints, kidneys, heart and even your brain, depending upon which type of the disease (there are three), that you have. I'm not sure why Seph wanted to equate himself to Lupus, but it just wasn't lethal enough to be him. If you're a nerd and want to know more about Lupus, go Google it or watch House, they like to throw that disease around a lot for some reason.

(2) **Rod Serling **is the host of the Twilight Zone. I put that in 'cause I was writing this chapter while it was on. x3


	4. Chapter 4

Hey look, another chapter:D …Actually, I had this chapter written out a week or two ago, I was just having issues on whether or not it was to my liking enough to post it. Damn perfectionism. .

**Jewlin-chan: **Don't you just hate random cliff-hangers? I sure do. x3

**Mix Golden Phoenix: **Glad your likin it, even with all the _gay parts._ xD But I will say, comedy isn't the easiest thing to write, and I've been having a brain aneurism thinking up more oddball situations. O.o

**Abbinator: **Finally I get to win at something!

**-:-Warnings-:-** Nobody's playing dress-up, more language, more made up words, cheap excuses for humor and an equally cheap excuse for me to have Seph stab Xemnas again.(lime it up!)

**Disclaimer:** Kingdom Hearts and all its lovelies are property of their respective owner…damnit.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**The Un-Operetic, Transgenderized, Soapy, Nurse Digest**

Or a better title:

_In which some weird developments begin to take place._

_----___

"**Y**es, that's right, burn, burn and die you evil little shit."

Xemnas watched, with Dr. Frankenstein-ish fascination, as the corpse of the pest that had assailed him the previous night, went up in flames out in the hallway.

He still wasn't sure what it was precisely, but it could've been anything really, from an oversized hairy cockroach, to a mutated rat that Lucas might've accidentally set free (wink, wink, nudge, nudge. xD). Whatever it was, and he really didn't give a damn what it was, had bitten his leg and toke a chunk with it as it scurried out of the bed and onto the floor into some dark corner.

The silver haired Nobody wouldn't let Sephiroth sleep till he found it and killed it, seeing as he seemed to have better luck at finding rabid creatures without being bitten by them, and had thought the thing was dead after the swordsman skewered it on the end of his sword until it'd attacked him again when he'd gotten up to go to the bathroom. It now had a hole in its head the size of Texas, but that didn't seem to deter it from chasing him around the room.

But it didn't matter anymore, the thing was burning, and some small sadistic part of Xemnas had wished that he hadn't dropped a cannonball on it before he'd burned it. He would've liked to hear its screams of agony as it flailed down the hallway on fire, although, now he had to ask Sephiroth why there was a pile of cannonballs in his room.

After closing and bolting the door behind him, Xemnas trudged back into the bedroom and rolled himself up in the sheets. He'd been a little disappointed to find that his partner had already left when he'd woken up to re-kill the beast, but now that he had the bed all to himself he wasn't feeling too lonely, and better yet, the sheets still smelled like the musk Sephiroth had been wearing the day before. Xemnas liked the musk mind you, not the smell that was attached to the man…right? Right, we'll keep on feeding that delusion until Xemnas decides to join reality again.

"It isn't a delusion! I _do_ like the smell of musk!"

Oh yes, of course, how silly of me, so then we should just ignore the fact that you've been sniffing the sheets for the past 15 minutes and blame it on an over-excited olfactory sense.

"Oh my, ever so sorry, we're you saying something? I had my head wrapped in sheets while you were prattling on about something or other."

….You little shit. Anyway, moving on.

Xemnas was just getting that thought out of his head, cocooned in a knot of sheets, and readily accepting the outstretched arms of the mistress of sleep, when something banging loudly on the door, killing his good mood.

He was thinking about just ignoring whoever it was that had the audacity to wake him this early in the afternoon, when it sounded like the banging was increasing with intensity, as if this person was using a…oh hell.

Scrambling out of bed, Xemnas tore through the living room and threw open the door, twisting to one side as, yes, he was correct, a small battering ram flew into the room along with a tiny squeaking woman.

_Great, more freaks. It's too early in the morning for freaks. _

Xemnas made a note to buy some Frosted Freaky Flakes so he could start out his day the freaky way, and watched the small woman gather herself up, fix her clothing and shoot Xemnas a disapproving look.

"You know, you're not supposed to do that."

"What? Open the door before you break it down? Silly me, what ever was I thinking."

"Ha. Ha. Ha. You're sarcasm is weak, sir."

The little woman in question, because her identity and description is being called into question because she's still a fuzzy face, wasn't really very much of a woman at all, more like a girl-child-woman if you asked Xemnas. But no one ever asks Xemnas anything. His input is rather trivial anyway.

"Oh right, and your little interjections aren't equally insignificant?"

Xemnas keeps forgetting that the Goddess controls the story and is therefore god of this fic, so if she wanted to turn him into a syphilitic Platypus, she could very well do that with much ease.

Xemnas did lots of sweating, and the story resumed with its promised girl-child-woman description.

She, the little girl-woman thingy, was just the cutest thing you could find around actually. She looked just like an expensive imported baby-doll; all decked out in a lacy dress in hues of purple and black Gothic Lolita darkness that anime and manga just love to throw around. She wore a pair of black knee high lace stockings and Mary Janes, had her blonde hair pulled up in two pigtails of insane curliness and volume, held tightly back from her face by fake rose and skull hair ties, and a pair of tiny bat-like wings stuck out from her back, twitching ever so often as she swayed before him. She had the prettiest little face, with those huge watery-doe anime girl eyes of clear cerulean, a small pouty mouth and lightly rosy cheeks.

Xemnas would've thought she was cute if she'd just sat there and kept her mouth shut.

"So, you're the new kid," she said in a voice much older than her appearance as she eyed the silver haired man looking very unpresentable wearing Sephiroth's sleeping clothes. "The chattering hens at the Guild have been talking about you."

"Saying only good things I hope."

"Yes, because here in Purgatory, we're just full of nice things to say about each other."

"Seems like your sarcasm is as undeveloped as your body."

The child glared at him, but for the most part, didn't do very much in terms of a response aside from pulling out a medium sized box from under the folds of her dress and handing it to Xemnas. He was a little worried about the fact that she'd just brushed off an insult like that, which was never a good sign, because she looked like the kind of woman…girl…that waited until they could get you with a crippling blow. Hey! Just like Zexion!

"What's this?"

"The uniform you'll be wearing while performing this particular public service job." She smiled…evilly.

"….What's in this box?"

"I just told you, your uniform." She smiled evilly…again.

"Your smile is very evil. What's in this box?"

"Down here, everyone has an evil smile. Now hurry up and get dressed, you're going to be late for work!" She said hurriedly, pushing him towards the bedroom, and plopped herself somewhere on the cluttered couch, kicking her legs and waiting for that tell tale scream of-

"_Ack!! What the hells __**is **__this?!_"

Ah, she loved that scream, that scream of complete humiliated revulsion.

"What's the matter? Having problems?"

No more than five nano-milli-deci-seconds later, Xemnas flailed his way around the corner in a _uniform _you'd only see in cheesy porn flicks.

Just 'cause the Goddess was having a rather stressful time thinking up anything remotely funny, without cliché, she had Xemnas wearing a white nurse's outfit, yes, one of those outfits, the one's with the fitted low cut shirt and short skirts you see unattractive porn stars wearing. But it looked better on Xemnas, because Xemnas isn't a pornstar and he is a man, and men in drag are funny to look at.

"You did this on purpose, didn't you?"

What? The Goddess needed something to cheer her up while she got through midterms, and trust me, this outfit was much better than the one she was originally thinking of.

"I can't possibly imagine it getting any worse."

"Who _are _you talking to?"

"The Goddess."

"Who?"

"She's the….The one who…Oh never mind, I've more important things to worry about, like beating the living tar out of you for making me wear this!"

"Hey now, it's not my decision what you wear and where you work," the girl put her hands up defensively, cackling madly. "But it's not like it doesn't look bad on you, even if you are half dressed."

"If you're talking about the garters, stockings, Stilettos and lacy underwear, I'm not wearing them."

"You did read the part in the Guild handbook about the-"

"Yes, yes, I know, _Failure to wear all articles of a designated uniform will result in immediate disciplinary action, usually something along the lines of tarring and feathering, scalping, or being tied to a bed and spanked continuously_(1)"

As Xemnas sulked back into the room and went to defile his great title as the Superior in the name of public service, the girl followed behind him as he was stretching out a white stocking and presented him with a vial of light purple liquid.

"What's this?" It looked sort of like NyQuil.

"It's an Alteration serum. I put a box of the stuff in that box with your uniform as well," she sighed, rolling her eyes a little. "I wasn't supposed to give this to you, but I didn't want to spend the next 3 centuries trying to erase the image of a man in that outfit out of my mind."

Staggering a little as he got to his feet, wondering how in the world women walked in these damn things anyway, he inspected the bottle then eyed the girl suspiciously.

"What will this do to me?"

"Just give you a shape that'll better suit that uniform."

"I'm assuming it'll turn me into a woman then."

"Don't worry, you won't look very much different, you'll just have different plumbing and some strategically placed peaches."

"….I can't pee standing up after I drink this can I."

"You must've been a genius in your past life."

--------------

Truth be told, this outfit could've been a whole lot worse if his measurements had been exaggerated and his cup size had been any larger than a C. He actually had to force himself to stop looking at his body in every reflective surface they passed in the Guild's large foyer.

Xemnas had just enough shape as a woman to make him attractive, but not enough to cause fits of orgasm upon observation, because despite this outfit, this is still a tasteful fic, and we've got Taste Standards set down by the Taste Committee that needed to be followed.

The girl had been right though, aside from his hair being slightly wavier, instead of the crazy jagged bird thing he usually had going on, his face being softer and more rounded about the edges, and his figure being compressed to something more delicate, he really wasn't that much different.

He missed his one-eyed trouser snake though. He'd shed waterfalls of tears when he felt lighter down there.

But it was only a temporary thing. He wouldn't be stuck like this, and if he was, well, he was just going to not think about it and instead take in the scenery as he stood beside a cluster of zombies, waiting for the girl to return with his assignment, said scenery being another building stock full of too much human activity. For a place full of dead people, there was entirely too much movement going on.

The Guild actually reminded him of a stock exchange, what with all this excitement, and unlike the Registrar, there was more of a workplace sort of atmosphere running about in the air. All the Guild's surfaces were coated with red and purple paint and gilded to death with gold leafing, most likely to make this place look more regal than it stood for. If it hadn't been for the significant amount of odd things wandering around him, he would've thought he'd been employed in a 5 star hotel.

"Here, take your key." Xemnas jumped and sent the girl a venomous look for startling him, but otherwise took the old key from the girl and stuck it in his shirt. Yet another thing breasts were useful for; storage.

"You really should announce yourself instead of sneaking up on people like that."

"Oh please, it's not like I can scare you to death," she said flatly. "Now keep that key safe since it's the only way you'll be able to get back into Purgatory, although from the looks of it I don't have to tell you that."

"It's like I've got an extra pocket."

"Glad you're enjoying yourself."

She led him through a high arched open doorway and into an eternal stretch of hallway lined with various floating doors that shifted about around them. As one door flew off a wall to who knew where, another door would fall into its place and a little green light would pop up to its left indicating an open doorway to the world of the living. That's right, the Upstairs crew.

"Alright, you see that door? The white one with the red cross on it? That's the door you'll be using to get to this job. I'm giving you a few more vials of that Alteration serum in case its effects wear out while your working, although I doubt it will, it's supposed to last for 24 hours or so. If you want to get rid of its effects, there's a sheet of instructions on how to do that in your uniform box. I'm also giving you this black book. It'll tell you everything you need to know about the place you're working in. It's basically going to be your Bible. Keep it, worship it, love it."

Xemnas placed the small black leather book in the side pocket of his skirt and the vial in his shirt before glancing queasily at the doorway.

"Don't worry about it," she said calmly. "I'm sure you'll be fine. Even if you are in that revealing outfit, just remember that you're a criminal, not a petite little intern."

"Thanks, that makes me feel so much better."

"Always a pleasure. Just remember that your going up into the world of the living to do your services, so don't do anything stupid like tell people your real name or win money out of people seeing who can kill you."

Xemnas nodded, still staring worriedly at the door, not at all comforted by what sort of insanity was going to eat him once he was through it. If his uniform was a nurse's outfit with its own gratuitous connotations, he could just imagine what sort of place they were going to send him to work in.

"Say, you wouldn't happen to know-" But the little waif had already left as he'd made to turn around to ask her if he should worry about this, decided that maybe his agitation was unnecessary and opened the door and stepped into the light within it.

--------------

Well this just about took the award for strangest work environment ever.

Somewhat Specific Hospital(2) itself, so said the name lettered in gold leaf on the building, was a gorgeous piece of modern architecture, all shiny and metallic and smelling of the year 3999 rounded to the nearest 10th. Her little black book had specifically told her that there was a ludicrous amount of money invested in this place, the staff and its facilities. But the personnel's personalities, well, that was a different story altogether.

Somewhere between picking up a new cart of various brightly colored pills to roll from one side of the hospital to the other just to appear to be working, Xemnas had noticed that there was a suffocating amount of drama coating the already thick layer of melodrama rolling about in this place.

After the Nth billionth attractive patient had been wheeled into a room with injuries so severe that it was impossible for them to still be alive, but they some how were, and had been placed beside another patient of equally impossible proportions, Xemnas was wondering just how much of her _job _she had to do, seeing as she didn't have very much medical background. She had been a scientist, but that would only get her so far.

"Nurse? Aren't you going to give me my second shot now?"

"Eh? Oh yeah, 'bout that."

Xemnas shook herself out of her momentary daze and jammed the second needle of stuff into her patients arm, ignoring the little yipping noise she made. While she was digging up a band aid, she couldn't help the feeling that she was being monitored, and as she turned around, found the brown haired girl giving him…er…her, the most longingly cheesy look.

Xemnas twitched. "What is it?"

"You look so…."

"I look so?"

"So…"

"So?"

"So…"

"Sooooooo?"

"So…………………….innocent."

_And the award for most overly dramatic pause goes to-Oh right, smile and nod Xemnas, smile and nod._ Xemnas did just that, as the little black book had told her to do a great deal of while she was here, and received another longing smile.

"I used to be innocent too you know, back in my day."

"Really now, what happened? Lose your virginity?"

A look of brutal and overwhelming shook crossed over her, as if she'd found her sister sleeping with her brother in the back of her Neon.

"Oh…um….I'm sorry, I was just kidding, I didn't mean that you-"

"It wasn't even my choice either! Mother was sick and Dad was still unemployed. I had to pay for the bills somehow! I couldn't offer anyone anything but my body, my naïve, and prepubescent little body, torn asunder by-"

"I'm sorry, this is really fascinating and all, but I've got to check on someone in room 8."

Somewhere in room 8.

"Are you the new nurse?"

"Yes I am sir," Xemnas said as cheerfully as she could, finding that she didn't have to try very hard to look cute. She'd been practicing in the bathroom mirror after she'd been allowed a break, and just for the added appeal, she'd pulled his wavy platinum hair back into pigtails. Hey, if she was going to be dressed like a baby prostitute, why not look the part all over?

"Aw, how cute you look, you know my daughter's in nursing school; she's such a hard worker."

"Is she now?" She distracted herself from the man's rambling by inspecting the legions of wax forming in his ear with an Otoscope. They were having a party in there, mixin Margaritas and doin the Cha Cha Slide.

"My son's also in nursing school."

"Really?"

"Yes, but I hate it that he always wants to wear the women's uniforms, you know, like the one your wearing now. It's so unbecoming of a man."

"…"

"I think he's gay you know, fruitier than a flaming fairy he is. I don't even know how he turned out like that, didn't I raise him well? Where'd I go wrong? Too many Broadway musicals-"

"You know what? I just remembered I left a kid with a brain tumor on the 3rd floor."

Somewhere on a level that wasn't the 3rd floor.

"It says here that you've already been here 4 times this week Mr…eh."

"Buckman, Buckman's my name sweet cheeks."

"Buckman, yes, um, you've already been here 4 times and there seems to be nothing wrong with you."

"I need a physical though, right? I need one of those."

"You've already had 2, Mr. Buckman."

"But last time I didn't have a prostate exam. I'm not getting prostate cancer just 'cause you people don't cover all your bases." The average looking dark haired man hopped off the examination table and sauntered over to his nurse, placing his hands on hershoulders and gave her a winning smile. "Now come on, wouldn't you feel horrible if you didn't check me out thoroughly and I had something going on up there?"

Xemnas raised an eyebrow, having a feeling she already knew where this was going.

"Come now, be a good little girl and-"

"You do know that if you receive a prostate exam, you're going to need an enema as well right?"

"I can-wait what?"

"Oh yeah, it's a new hospital procedure that's just been enacted. Ah, but this is the new stuff, we got a batch of this stuff in from Cuba. If you do have a cancerous substance growing on your walnut, then we mix up a cocktail and stick it right on up there. Tough enough to strip the paint off an oil tanker and kills the cancer cells instantly, although you might be slightly radioactive afterwards and the swelling will probably-"

Xemnas watched Mr. Buckman quickly vacate the premises and gave herself a little gold star.

--------------

After she'd given a tetanus shot to an angst ridden teen rambling on about his sexuality and attraction to cat-girls, and prescribed Monistat to a transvestite, her next job was to sit behind the desk in the Clinic and look rather uninterested while filing her ruby red painted fingernails, so said the little black book.

So far, she was doing an exceptional job. She'd basically had to play traffic cop, directing patients and walk-ins to their respective places, and oddly enough there was never a dull moment.

Between reading a copy of T.S. Eliot's _The Waste Land_ that was randomly lying around, she'd met a woman with a child who'd survived being run over, twice, by an 18-Wheeler, a man who'd shot his wife to death and screwed up trying to kill himself and blown off his left nut, a woman who'd lost her family when a bomb exploded no more than two streets away when the ER was flooded with various parts of human beings, and then a child who claimed he could see into the future and went to tell a busty brunette that the tumor in her brain was at a terminal stage and the only one that could save her was the dreamy blonde American doctor.

Speaking of blonde people, there'd been one such man leaning very coolly against the desk for the past 10 minutes, and after Xemnas had sent another random sick person up to see Dr. Whatever The Hell His Name Was With The Russian Accent, she turned to him and gave him the most pleasant smile she could come up with.

"Can I help you sir?"

"Yes actually, could you pull this heart shaped arrow out of my ass? A damn little kid with wings shot me (3)."

_I think I found the dreamy blonde American doctor._

Xemnas stared blankly at the man now standing before her, leaning on one of his arms and giving her the brightest pretty boy smile he could muster. He had insanely Herbal Essence shiny blonde streaked hair, bright blue eyes, and a Prince Charming sort of glow to him, or was that just the fuzzy dreamlike background that'd suddenly surrounded his figure. He was looking at Xemnas as if she was an Angel in disguise.

All in all, he smelled like a playboy, or the son of one, and that cologne he was wearing was probably something expensive enough that it should damn well attract droves of women. Luckily, Xemnas wasn't a true woman.

"Well…erm…I can't really help you with that. But if I see any naked kids wandering around, I'll be sure to point them your way," she replied with her best Go Away, Please Don't Bother Me smile.

"Well, then, could you give me a map?"

"What for?"

"Because I must be lost," he said dreamily, managing to lean very close to Xemnas without her noticing and brushed a finger along the side of her face, a rather charming little smile teasing at the corners of his mouth. "I thought paradise was further south."

As filled with cheddar as that line was, Xemnas couldn't stop the carefully placed blush from infecting her cheeks. Truth be told she really didn't know how to respond to that, so she just sort of sat there, gapping like a confused fish, or rather, a very cute confused fish seeing as she was now a woman and we can call Xemnas cute.

While the silver haired Nobody was distracted, the blonde doctor craned his head over the nurse's shoulder and began inspecting the tag on of her shirt. Xemnas thought that perhaps he was trying to cop a feel, but since he'd missed her chest, maybe he was trying to very un-sneakily look down the back of her shirt or something.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Yes, just as I suspected," the blonder wonder said pulling away and smiled brighter, if it was at all possible. "Made in Heaven."

"Em…" Xemnas was finding it difficult to form words for some reason. Scratching at his head, she shook herself a little then eyed the blonde man still looming before her. "Alright, who the hell are you?"

"Bond. James Bond."

"…"

"Heh heh, no really, I'm Dr. Kainwright, Adrian Kainwright," he said calmly extending his hand for Xemnas to shake, which she did, albeit very warily as she watched a gentle frown crease the blonde's face.

"And you must be Marley, I'm sorry, _Nurse_ _Newt_."

"What the-how'd you know my name?!" Somewhere in the black book, it had said her work name within the hospital would be either Mitsy Mayflower, Hannah Hanover, or Marley Newt.

"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?" That and it also didn't hurt to look at her name tag, but the good doctor wasn't going to add that bit in.

Xemnas/Nurse Marley Newt, was just about to ask him if perhaps he was a telepathic Casanova, when he very stealthily moved back into the Nobody's personal space, ghosting over her lips and made some sort of thoughtful noise.

"Can you feel that?"

"F-Feel what?"

"There's some kind of sexual attraction between us, can you feel it too?"

Somehow, Xemnas was convinced that he'd done something to her in that brief moment, because even without a heart, he could hear the blood racing around heating his body to a good 4-too-hot-billion degrees. As his body refused to move, Dr. Kainwright brought a hand up to cup the side of her face, sending Xemnas into another stroke, and just before he got close enough for a legitimate kiss, Adrian felt a very sharp object jab at his neck and push his head away from his current interest.

"My, my, kitten's got claws," he said amusingly as he was forced to stand up and away from the desk, watching with some worried fascination as this nurse held him off with the point of a letter opener.

"Yeah, and kitten's got mad Cat-Fu skills."

Both Xemnas/Nurse Marley Newt and Dr. Kainwright looked over to the owner of the English voice, and the American doctor smiled thinly as a blonde with short buzzed hair, neatly groomed beard, ridiculously clear blue eyes and an earring traipsed over to them, hands stuffed lazily in the pockets of his white lab coat.

"So I see, Dr. Orlund."

"If I was you, I'd go find yourself a woman who needs a hysterectomy, that is, unless you want to live for the next three seasons."

"Good lord you're right man! I can't die yet! I haven't even wrapped up the Monica Heartland part of the story!" He turned back to Xemnas with a flourish. "My Angel, I must take my leave, I need to tell an obnoxious brunette that she has Huntington's disease(4) so that she'll cease her sexual advances on me and I'll be free to court you."

"Sure, take your time," Xemnas grumbled, and with the sound of violin music playing from some unseen area, Dr. Kainwright, Lady Killer Extraordinaire, had left the building.

Dr. Orlund sighed and leaned against the desk, watching the blonde man skip off and shook his head.

"I'd keep my eye on him; he's a crafty fellow despite his cheap lines. Strings in women like fish. We could put the circus out of business with people like him around. Although I really gotta wonder what a girl like you is doing in a place like this anyway," he said calmly, giving the silver haired nurse a cheeky grin.

"I could say the same for you, Dr. Orlund," Xemnas replied, elbows resting on the edge of the desk as she rested her chin on her laced fingers. "Or would you prefer I call you Luxord when we aren't on the clock."

The blonde gambler blinked suddenly at the nurse, then leaned in slowly to closer inspect the woman to see if it was really, no, it couldn't be, could it? The same golden eyes, tanned skin, silver hair and smile-

"Good god! Xemnas?! What the hell are you doing here?! You're supposed to be dea-Mffph!" Xemnas slapped a hand over the blonde's mouth, looking about herself quickly and sighed.

"Keep it down, will you?"

"Sorry, I just…I'm just…Wow…I just never expected to run into you in a place like this. You look…good, no, fantastic actually. I hardly recognized you 'cause you look so-"

"Luxord, if I even smell that you're hitting on me I'll have to castrate you."

"No, no! I mean that, in all seriousness, you actually look very nice in that uniform." He leaned in a little and eyed the area. "Actually, you're the only decent looking nurse around here. Everyone else looks like they should be working in a strip club."

"It's a hard thing, upholding the standards of taste and all, but someone has to do it," Xemnas sighed exaggeratedly. "But really, I look alright?"

"Smashingly."

"And you're not at all bothered by the fact that I'm a woman?"

"Well, I think that'll take some getting used to…a lot of getting used to….a great deal of getting used to-"

"Luxord, my eyes are up here."

"Yes, yes, so sorry, but anyway, it's not like you look that different, although, after what we've been through, very little is going to startle me."

"Speaking of which, it looks like another pandemic's just erupted," Xemnas said boredly as she watched another string of medical personal burst through the doors and cart stretcher upon stretcher of people this way and that.

"Damnit, and I just got on break too." Luxord cursed, eyeing a grizzly looking woman flailing this way and that and professing her love for candied yams. "Well, if you don't mind, perhaps sometime we should get together and catch up."

"I suppose." Xemnas really didn't want to do any catching up with any of her members, but Luxord wasn't too much of a bad guy, when he wasn't gambling away the Organization's savings. It was because of him that they'd been forced to wear those simple black robes instead of a nicer set of uniforms.

"Great, I know a good pub in Purgatory that serves a good pint," Luxord said over a wailing woman as he began to walk off towards the double doors at the end of a hallway.

"Alright, how does Thursday at 7 sound?" Xemnas said, handing over a 50 page stack of papers and a pen to a walk-in for him to fill out for the next 6 hours.

"Perfect. I'll meet you there." And thus the blonde man was swallowed up in the sea of drama and Xemnas returned to her task of filing her nails and looking very bored as the chaos of disease and melodrama circled around her like bad rice.

--------------

Sephiroth had come home late from the bar, a bar whose description is going to be just as vague as it was in the last chapter, but he'd been let off early when a sudden pandemic had swept over the building two streets down. For fear of infecting their patrons, they'd closed early and let him go home, and considering his work schedule, 11 at night was pretty early for him. Maybe this time he'd actually get a full night's sleep since he'd killed the thing that'd been lurking in the dark corners of his apartment.

As he ascended the stairs, waving off one of the band member's offer to listen to them play their noise this evening, scuttling quickly past Lucas' door as a sudden fit of insane screaming was drowned out by an explosion, the silver haired man eventually found his room after picking his way through some suspicious looking burnt debris littered beside his door and lumbered his way inside.

Tiredly, he stripped down to his black slacks and trudged his way towards the bathroom, pausing suddenly when he heard the shower running, and was about to go Rambo and dig up a meat cleaver from the kitchen, when he remembered that he now lived with someone else. He'd have to remind Xemnas that he needed to leave him a note saying he was here so he didn't accidentally decapitate him. But even if he didn't, he was already dead, so maybe his head would grow back or something.

Not bothering to knock, seeing as he refused to request permission to enter a space that he lived in, Sephiroth stood before the long counter top mirror, glancing to Xemnas' blurred form behind the shower door reflected within the mirror before rubbing a hand over his face with a groan. He seemed to have startled the man because he did that odd headless chicken flail thing, and then growled angrily at him as he resumed washing something out of his hair.

"Yes I know you live here, but would it kill you to knock at least? After all, we do live one floor above a rapist."

Sephiroth's eyes dilated. That wasn't Xemnas' voice.

In one fluid motion, he'd snatched a large knife from beneath the rug, god knows why it was there, flung the shower door open and stabbed the knife through the intruders neck, which turned out to be their hand as it rose to block the attack, seemed to realize their peril and tried to get out of Dodge by running between his legs. The silver haired schizo, feeling a bit of déjà vu over take him, reacted early enough to grab a hold of the fleeing figure's shoulder and pin them against the tiles of the shower wall, pausing suddenly when a flash of silver kept him from further strangling his victim.

"Xe-….Xemnas?"

The Nobody cracked open one of his eyes, and Xemnas stared once more into the face of death, thinking that this was becoming a rather unhealthy habit of meeting each other. His vocal cords were too traumatized to speak, so he just sort of hung there, trying to breathe around a hand cutting off his airway, yet again, and trying to decide if his spasming hand with the knife lodged in it was anything to be worried about.

And while he hung, Sephiroth took that moment to try and figure out when on earth the man had had the time to change into a woman, not that he was complaining, he made a very attractive women, all naked and wet-like, actually, he was wondering if it was alright to be mildly aroused by this version of him.

Meanwhile, Xemnas was trying to decide whether or not he should be worried about that look in the swordsman's eyes. It was that same look of pure fucking insanity that he'd given him in that white room, that look that froze up all his functions and turned him into a useless mess. He was very much fascinated by a look that could cause such a reaction from a heartless being, and it was that same look that was now roving unabashedly over his nude, womanly form, that made some small part of himself work itself into a fit and pass out.

The hand cutting off his oxygen loosened some and Xemnas ate a few shaky breaths, not daring to move while Sephiroth still had that crazy look in his eyes, and winced slightly as the throbbing in his hand intensified.

"This's punishment for eating a piece of that German chocolate cake in the fridge, isn't it? I swear I didn't take more than-"

Ah, but a hand to his lips silenced his freakey-outiness, and very thoughtfully that hand ran those nimble pianists fingers over his lips, tracing them, mapping them perhaps, along the gentle curve of his jaw and fingered the delicate tendon in his small neck. He didn't know how, but he was seeing spots, and just from his touch no less! What the hell kind of unfeeling being was he supposed to be, getting all hot and bothered by a confused psychotic?

Said confused psychotic was very much intrigued, yet confused, to see Xemnas in such a flustered state. He almost looked vulnerable, which, technically, he was, and as he stepped closer, running his fingers between the valley of his breasts and over his taught stomach, he could practically see the words _Take me damnit!!_ flashing with neon green obnoxiousness in his eyes…or maybe he'd just imagined that so he'd have an excuse…or maybe it had something to do with the fact that he'd been close to cutting his head off and Xemnas was actually trying to say _Take the knife out of my hand now damnit!!_

Well, he had an alibi, even if saying _"Your eyes made me do it"_ held about as much water as Swiss Cheese, he decided it would do and leaned down to press an experimentally gentle kiss to his lips, pulling back to lick at them, taste them, taste him…no her, he was a she now, so this was alright, wasn't it?

For some reason, Xemnas hadn't been expecting that, even if all forms of logic pointed to its inevitable outcome, and his initial reaction was to growl and start pushing back against the man, who was now much taller than him as he'd shrunken to a height of 5'5". A little irritated that he'd gotten that reaction, Sephiroth pushed the silver haired woman firmly against the slick wall with his body and silenced his (her?) protests with a more forceful kiss, keeping her still with one hand cupped tightly around his throat.

The Nobody's brain went into panic mode for a few minutes as it realized it was being molested, and then it slowly began to realize that it liked this feeling, so it decided that maybe molestation wasn't the right word for whatever this feeling was. Oddly enough, as confusion made a bonfire of his brain, Xemnas returned the swordsman's advances with equal force, not one to be outmatched, and was rather surprised at the pleasant little noise that left his throat as the silver haired crazy man managed to force his tongue into his mouth past his teeth, the sneaky little thing.

Xemnas slowly felt himself sliding to the floor of the shower, slowly felt himself loosing himself, getting lost in a tangle of things he didn't understand, couldn't understand, things that were unexplainable and irrational. After dragging his partner down atop him as he fell, and after he realized there was a bar of soap pressing up against his spine, he also realized, despite his logical mind kicking and screaming in the back of his subconscious, that he really didn't give a damn when those lips left his and a tenacious mouth began to suck viciously at his neck with vampiric fervor. He winced as he distinctly felt teeth biting into his neck, tasting him, marking him, and he reflexively dug his fingernails into Sephiroth's shoulders and neck as he moaned painfully, pulling at the long silvery hair tangling about his limbs as he cried out to the body that was running away with his mind. He needed that mind, without the mind, without the logic, there was utter chaos.

As if on command from his cry, the parasitic mouth left a trail of little marks along his collarbone and onward, downward, eliciting a sudden seizure from its victim as it began teasing a nipple to hardness and a strangled cry as he bit down gently on the tormented nub.

Mindlessly, the swordsman rocked his hips against the writhing Nobody beneath him, who let out a very confused moan but arched up against him none the less, wanting more, needing more, almost begging if it was possible for him to stoop to that level. It was only when Xemnas had his legs wrapped tightly about his waist, drawing him closer, his tongue probing the crevices of his mouth once more, that Sephiroth realized that something stiff was jabbing into his stomach.

Pulling back for a moment, he peered down and tried to figure out what a female Xemnas was doing with a male Xemnas' man bits, but as his eyes traveled upwards, he noticed that the female Xemnas had very sneakily melded back into the male Xemnas, who was currently flailing around beneath him like a burning snake, and his brain just sort of stopped working altogether as he realized what he was doing, or rather who he was doing, and stared stupidly into Xemnas' confused golden eyes and frowned.

"Wh-Why are you stopping?" A breathless reply. A disembodied reply. Had the man even heard it? Was it even his voice? Who was he now anyway? His mind had been kidnapped by the over-zealous chemicals in his brain, most likely to be raped and beaten in the back alleys of his subconscious.

Sephiroth had a mild seizure as he shook himself, trying to rationalize with his eyes and his mind that what he was doing was _not_ what he was doing. This couldn't possibly be right. _Why not? _Because it just wasn't. _Who says? _No one says anything. _So how do you know, what's right and what's wrong, if nobody's there to tell you?_

He was coming back to earth and he realized this wasn't good, no siree bob, no matter what the hard headed other brain in his pants was telling him, there was no way you couldn't look at this and not call this sexual harassment. _It isn't harassment if he wants it._ But he hadn't wanted it, and he'd tried to get him off. _You can't rape the willing. _And here Xemnas was, giving him an almost expectant look, when only moments ago he'd tried to fight him off.

This was all backwards. Why was he looking at him that way? _He wants it. Give him what he wants. _He's delirious; he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't even look like the same snotty little brat. _Take what __**you **__want then. _But I don't want him. _You don't? _No. _Lying to yourself is the first sign of denial-_

"Sephiroth?"

_Oh look! He's calling to you. Aren't you going to go to him? Aren't you going to give him what he wants? What you want?_ But he doesn't know what he wants. He's confused. _It's better when they don't know what's going on._

Xemnas matched the swordsman's frown with his own as he saw a sudden shift take him over, forgetting for a moment that he was in a rather compromising position, as the man's eyes gradually lost their hypnotic insanity and gave way to a look of tranquil horror, as of one waking from a nightmare, or rather trying to as he seemed to be having some sort of internal angst trip.

Just as he opened his mouth to ask what was with the new breed of crazy in his eyes, Sephiroth pulled away from him suddenly and glided swiftly out of the bathroom, tailed momentarily by a dripping wet Xemnas who managed to grab a towel and hastily wrap himself with it.

"What the hell?! You can't just attack me, kiss me, dry hump me and expect that you'll get away wi-Sephiroth?"

Well that was funny, he'd come into the living room hadn't he? Wrapping the towel tighter around his waist, he scurried to look in the bedroom for him, the bathroom again, under the couch, the rugs, and searched all the hall closets before he finally noticed that the window was open.

Pacing over to it, he stuck his head out and wondered if the man went slightly emo and tried to commit suicide. It was a pretty long drop, since they were on the 6th floor, but seeing as there weren't any strawberry silver haired pancakes on the ground below, he looked all around the buildings face and wondered if a worm-hole hadn't opened up and eaten him.

Instead, he found a few long raven colored feathers on the rug beneath the window, and retrieved one for closer inspection. They didn't own any animals, and the feathers looked too long to be from any normal sized bird, and after rubbing his fingers along the shaft of one, decided that Sephiroth somehow ninja-ed his way out of this one.

"What the hell was that all about?" He muttered, sticking his head out the window again and sighed heavily, leaning his back against the side of the window frame and cradled the hand with its knife blade accessory. "If he was a virgin he should've just said so."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Mille:**Yay for midterms and illnesses getting in my way…well no, actually this chapter took longer due to over analysis. I still feel like this chapter lost a considerable amount of funny, but as I said somewhere up there, comedy's one of the hardest categories to write for.

(1): "_tied to a bed and spanked continuously._" This line came straight from straight from _Monty Python and the Holy Grail._ It was on one night, and for some reason that line stuck. O.o

(2): **Somewhat Specific Hospital**, if you didn't catch it, is a take off of the name of that soap opera I've never seen/watched seriously _General Hospital. _I just wanted an excuse to throw Xemnas into a soap opera setting and see how it worked. Might need some more polishing.

(3): Just one out of thousands of crappy pick-up lines I found on this site Some of these lines are just, wow, I just wanna meet the people who threw these things out there. xD

(4): **Huntington's disease **is another crappy neurological disease that causes brain cell degeneration. It's genetic and has no known cure. Now all of you still in High School can impress your Biology teachers with your knowledge. xD


	5. Chapter 5

Right, so the reason that I haven't been updating so often is because I have a life outside of writing, unfortunately, things like school, family, all that messy junk. That and lately my body's been out to get me, and it seems that my kidneys are taking this round of Kill the Author Slowly. ..;;

**Andromeda90: **Glad you're enjoyin the hotness, and yes, I'm wondering what's with the lack of reviews myself. o.O;;

**Jewlin-Chan: **Yep, Xemnas shall be working there. I'm not sure if it'll be permanent or not, as I'd like the story to steer itself around, but seeing Xemnas in the Nurse Betty role is quite entertaining.

**MixGoldenPhoenix: **After I made that splattered description of Seph, I got kinda hungry and made pancakes….

**Volurin:** Technically speaking, I'm probably going to make the default claim that their both virgins in terms of their future relationship with each other. And don't worry, there shall be snogging men as this will remain, solely, a yaoi fanfic. :3

**-:-Warnings-:-** Temporary death, fluff, romantic cliché's. Yeah, this is the mushy chapter sort of, because my brain's been feeling mushy.

**Disclaimer:** Yeah, yeah, same old, same old. .

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**A Streetcar Named Insanity**

Or a better title:

_In which Sephiroth plays hide and seek._

_----___

"**S**o he just….left?"

"Yes, the screwy silver bastard. He didn't even have the decency to shut the damn window on his way out!"

For about five months after the events of the Shower Incident, as he'd so called it, and despite the fact that they shared a room together, the said silver haired bastard had managed to successfully avoid all contact with Xemnas. He knew that he was still, somehow, coming to the apartment without him noticing, because there would be food missing, the laundry would pile up as usual, and he was continuously unclogging the shower drain as it filled with knots of long silver hair.

Thus Sephiroth became the apartment complex's phantom, as no matter who he asked, no one had seen the usually noticeable swordsman. It was as if he'd never existed, or perhaps, he was a complex wide hallucination and somewhere along the lines, medical interventions had been made and the drugs were working too well in covering over any residue of a tall, dark, and crazy man lurking about the place.

Xemnas knew the man kept considerably late hours, not entirely sure where exactly he worked as he never thought to ask and, apparently, Sephiroth didn't feel the need to divulge the information, so his absence was affecting all the factions of his life that revolved around interacting with him.

Once or twice, he'd thought to consult The Guild about his absence, that maybe the man had moved on or something, but the coincidence was too predictable, and even if he were to tell them that he was suddenly partner-less-as doing his job was a little difficult as they'd begun to take on joint work-he had a feeling they wouldn't give two shits about the issue and tell him to go about his way with the bullshit assurance that _"his problems were their problems. And we will get to the bottom of it right away."_

Xemnas brooded. "I despise him."

"No you don't, you despise being left in doubt."

"Hn…that too." He seethed. "But I really do despise him."

At this moment in time, Xemnas found himself in the confines of a very cozy little café in a world that he hadn't known existed, and looked very much like a transfigured version of Paris, without the romantic dialect unfortunately, but with the same heady chaotic atmosphere of bustling existence.

After noticing that he couldn't wear his robe everywhere and not get odd looks, he'd very irritably went about the task of shopping in the trendy-but-not-really aisle of the stores of this world, as a small percentage of the clothing was fairly appealing to his tastes.

Currently, he was wearing a thin black turtle neck of a small knitted type, the collar rising snuggly beneath his chin and sleeves that nearly covered his hands. A pair of low riding black flared pants clung to his legs, covering the tops of his black boots, a piece of the organization he'd not wanted to give up. A white, monochromatic fuzzy collared coat was slung over the back of his chair along with a white scarf.

He'd been a bit skeptical about how low these pants slung on his hips, which was why he'd gotten the turtle neck as it was a long bit of clothing, which meant he had to go all out of his way to buy a different set of underwear just to wear with these pants. It was all very obnoxious and new.

"What's on your mind?"

Sighing a bit, he turned his attention from the window, and the crazy homeless woman screaming about the end of the world and killer broccoli, to face Number 3, who he'd met up with by being literally run over by him…no really, he'd hit him with a damn T-Bird, and it'd friggin hurt. He had to sort of fake being unconscious for a while so people wouldn't raise hell, and later found out that Xaldin had done it on purpose just to get his attention. Bastard.

"Nothing, just trying to bend time and space so I can reach through and tear his head off."

Xaldin chuckled lightly, raising a cup of coffee to his lips as he peered over the rim at his leader, or actually, former leader since when you died those things usually expired, maybe, possibly, he wasn't sure.

He decided he liked Xemnas in tight black clothing. When not being worn by the dark haired, charcoal eyeliner wearing youth crowd, black was a very classy color, and it accented Xemnas' authoritative air quite nicely. He really did have a nice figure, most members of the organization did really, it was just those damn robes that did such a good job at hiding them…well…except for Axel. No amount of clothing was going to cover the fact that Axel had child bearing hips.

"This is really getting to you isn't it?"

"Of course it is! It's complete human indecency!" Xemnas snapped, feeling the vein in his head start to dance around a bit. "You can't molest your roommate and then avoid them like they have herpes!" He ignored the stares he received from that comment. He was far too irritated to really give a damn who was listening.

Xaldin raised an eyebrow.

Xemnas scowled. "I'm clean."

"I wasn't accusing you of being otherwise."

Leaning back in his chair, Xemnas observed the James Bond look a like seated across the table from him, and wondered briefly what Xaldin was doing for his pubic service that required him to wear a black three piece suit and driving gloves. He instantly thought _Transporter._(1)

Rubbing a finger along the bridge of his nose, blowing gently on the cup of coffee before his lips, Number 3 took an experimental sip, testing the waters to see if they were free of sharks, and then downed a warming portion of the substance before slowly returning the cup to the uncomfortably small saucer.

Xaldin hated the fact that café's seemed to like serving you tiny portions of everything, but seeing as it'd been Xemnas' choice, who seemed too bristly to sit down and eat a meal without chocking on his anger, he'd kept his thoughts to himself, focusing more on the internal angst running visibly through his leader.

He was wondering why in hell's name the white haired Nobody found his partner's behavior so bothersome. He'd lived with twelve other people, all of which possessed some very crippling personality trait that prevented them from pleasantly existing alongside one another, so he was a bit puzzled as to why he was taking this so far up his ass (he'd broken a few cups in the course of their time here and, to prevent him from running up their bill with unnecessary charges, had opted to buy him a slushy juice related beverage in a styrofoam, usually unbreakable, cup after they left).

Xemnas looked over to Xaldin once more, catching the tail end of a snicker as he attempted to hide it in the form of a sneeze, fisting his hand before his mouth. But nope! His Xemnas radar was going full scale today, due to the circumstances, and with his hawk-like robotic death ray vision, caught the microscopic corner of a smile.

"What's so funny?" He accused, feeling the hairs along his neck bristling.

"Hm? Oh, nothing, nothing."

"You were laughing at me."

"I was not."

"You were too."

"I was not."

"You were_ too._"

"Xemnas," Xaldin said, slumping his shoulders a bit as he tried to figure out if this was the same man he'd taken orders from, who was now having a one sided childish spat with a man about as docile as an old snake (because Xaldin wasn't completely harmless all the time, so he was most likely an old King Cobra if anything else). "Come on, this is hardly productive."

"You were too," he shot back softly, glaring holes at Xaldin who, despite the idiocy oozing from him like a popped zit, thought that the glare was a bit adorably refreshing to see in the usually indifferent male. But you didn't hear Xaldin think that, no, it was a figment of your imagination kiddies.

"No really, you should probably let it go before you go nuts." _More so than you already were to begin with._

"I can't just let it go!"

"Why not?"

"I don't know, maybe because it's _sexual harassment!_" Again, he ignored the stares of the people around them. Screw them for being nosey.

"But he stopped didn't he?"

"Xaldin, that's hardly the point." He sighed rolling his eyes and threw up a hand. "You're obviously missing the fact that I'm living with not one, but now [itwo[/i rapists in my apartment complex!" Again, stares, ignored.

"Well, it's not rape if he didn't put it in."

"_Xaldin!!_"

"What?"

"That's hardly something I would've allowed myself to be…to be _subjected_ to!"

"Well, from what you've told me, you're making it sound as if he forced himself on you."

"And he _did,_ goddmanit! Aren't you _listening?!_"

"Oh, I am, I'm just thinking you seem awfully calm for a rape victim."

"That's because nothing happened you sick freak, he just…nnneh…used his Voodoo and forced me to make out with him naked in a shower."

"…"

"What?"

"That's it?"

"What do you mean '_that's it?'!_"

"I mean it sounds as if his head just ran away with him, that's all, especially after coming home and finding a strange woman in his bathroom. And judging from how you reacted, if you've told me everything (No, Xemnas hadn't told him everything.), it sounds as if you might've enjoyed it."

"_What?!_"

"Hey man, could you please keep your voice down?-"

"Shut up hippie!" The abused hippie turned very slowly, a bit anxiously, back to his tofu, vegetarian something or other that seemed to want to call itself a hamburger, without the imitation beef and the freezer burned sesame bun. Turning back to the dred-locked man, Xemnas sighed irritably and massaged the vein in his head again with two long fingers.

"Well did you?"

Xemnas didn't answer. He wasn't ready to let his body convince his mind that that had felt pretty damn good, whatever that feeling was, and it was that feeling that was freaking him out a little. He didn't know what it was, didn't have words to categorize it, because as a Nobody, you had a very limited vocabulary on classifying emotions. They were just words to him; he'd never really gone and tried to imitate the meaning behind the words.

He suddenly felt old, as he should feel, since he's the only member with white hair.

"…Xemnas?"

"I….don't know how to answer that Xaldin," he sighed softly, looking up at him finally with eyes that could've been filled with confusion, but they were a practiced imitation of the art, so his face was blissfully blank of the emotion.

"I understand." It seemed mildly unfair that they had to suffer through this all over again, and the fact that all this public service wasn't going to get him any closer to a heart was a but unnerving. But really, what else was there for them? They were already inexistent beings in their own world, so their absence was just a deleting of the redundant words cluttering up the universe. It felt odd, to be referred to as the embodiment of extra space, but that was why some very intelligent person created irony.

As a cloud of emo descended over the two Nobodies, nearby patrons scooting away from the sudden appearance of very small but ominous looking rain clouds hovering over their table, Xemnas took that moment to look out the window, just because the narrator likes to torment him, and had another figurative heart attack.

"You know…now that I'm thinking about it Xemnas," Xaldin began, running his finger along the rim of the cup as he tilted his head to one side, neon blue eyes lost in the purity of cloudy caffeinated seas. "Perhaps the presence of a heart is a relative thing. As we have managed to imitate emotion, perhaps we will be able to teach ourselves emotion. It doesn't seem that far fetched seeing as we've managed to come this far, perhaps we can research this-Xemnas?"

But Xemnas was gone, he wasn't even in the restaurant anymore, but it wasn't difficult to figure out where he'd gone, as there was a trail of angry tearing right towards the door and out into the pastel pristine pseudo-Paris, where he was currently forcing his way through traffic across the street towards something or someone, coat and scarf whipping about him in the wake of his stampede. Whatever he was after, he seemed to be on an epic mission to get to it, and nothing was going to get in his way.

"Pah. Remind me never to be introspective around him while he's in a mood."

I'll remember to remind you Xaldin.

--------------

The only good thing about working at this particular bar, _The Salty Dog_, was aside from his work schedule being stupid on eight different levels of crazy, he did, however, get fairly good off time because he was under the suspicion that the owner had taken a fancy to him. Initially, you would think that he was one of those flamboyant types of men, but every now and then, he hid his fairy ways behind a mask of professional assertiveness. He also had the strangest hair color he'd ever seen and, if Sephiroth had been anything other than who he was, he would've asked the man how he'd gotten it that way.

Today, the swordsman had gotten on the owner's good side again, by not tying his hair back oddly enough, and had been given the afternoon off. He would've gone home to sleep, as he'd been feeling like crap on a stick from the extra work load lately, but he reminded himself that Xemnas, who usually got off work earlier than him, would most likely be there.

He cringed.

Maybe he'd go for a walk? Yes, that seemed just dandy, he'd go for a walk, for the rest of the day, and come home some time after midnight, sleep in the living room on the couch, and then leave before Xemnas twitched himself into wakefulness. The man had seemed to be such a heavy sleeper but lately, he'd had to take his shoes off and oil down the door lest he wake up.

It wasn't that he was running from a confrontation, no, of course not, the Great and Mighty Sephiroth would never run from confrontation, he was just, erm, giving Xemnas his space, yes, that sounded right.

Anyway, to avoid any further encounters that we are not going to call confrontations, Sephiroth had requested to be assigned a job as a museum curator for the afternoon, which the Guild found unusually helpful coming from him, but they hadn't hesitated to give him his uniform. There was no other way to describe it, that he looked like a black clad German military soldier, which to him was very agreeable, and as he walked his purposeful way down the street towards his next job, he allowed himself to bask in the bliss that, yes, indeed, it was a very nice day today.

"_Sephiroth!!_"

And then suddenly, from out of nowhere, a nuclear type device decimated the world into radioactive micro-pieces. Intent on ignoring World War 27, he kept his head held high with all the authority his previous years as a General had taught him, and very blissfully ignored the screaming man trailing behind him, accompanied by the blares of horns as they swerved to avoid him and the cries of people that he threw out of his way into the street.

Chancing a look back, the silver haired man quickened his pace to a jog, rounding a corner and wedged himself into a doorway nook as Xemnas went tearing past him. Poking his head out, he waited a moment for the man to round the next corner, pasting a smug smile on his face as he stepped out, brushing himself off and turned about on his heel.

"Thought you lost me didn't you?"

"!?!?!?!" Sephiroth flailed away from the irate Nobody, a vein the size of the Mississippi pulsating on the side of his forehead as he stood before him, arms folded, his weight slouched on one leg, lip twitching ever so slightly. He looked like a pissed off black woman.

Clearing his throat, Sephiroth straightened himself up regally, smoothing his hair back and placed a look of mock surprise on his face, very poorly, as he wasn't the sort of person to let things surprise him, so it came off looking like he was constipated.

"Forgive me, I thought you for someone else."

"Bullshit!" Xemnas snarled, turning a few interesting shades of red. He dropped his head, glaring accusingly up at the man, golden eyes emanating a brilliant insanity. "You're avoiding me."

"I am not."

"Yes. You. _Are_."

"My work schedule has been rather tight, now if you'll excuse me, I have to get to my next job," he said stiffly, turning about and walking back down the sidewalk. He knew he wouldn't be able to shake Xemnas off that easily, and yes, as fate would have it, the white haired porcupine followed deftly after him, walking with all the purpose of forcing his way through Sephiroth's ear and into his head so he could pick at his brain.

"Right, so I should just ignore the fact that you've been missing for the past five months, very _conveniently_ after that _incident?!_"

"They've enlisted me in the army."

"What? An army of museum curators?!"

"Damn. She must've given me the wrong uniform."

Throwing his hands up in exasperation, Xemnas sped up his pace and intercepted the man's progress down the street. The Nobody danced around before him as the swordsman attempted to get around him before he eventually sighed heavily, trying to compose himself, and looked down at him.

"Xemnas, I'm very busy right now, please move."

"No. You're not going _anywhere_ until we have a chat." He tilted his head to one side, folding his arms over his chest again and inclined his head challengingly.

"Xemnas."

"I'll break your damn legs if I have to."

"Xemnas can we please have this conversation later," Sephiroth groaned, closing his eyes and pinching at the bridge of his nose with a gloved hand, wishing he could just snuff this man out of his existence. However, he didn't want to be liquidated for killing his partner, so he was going to attempt to do this civilly. "Perhaps after you've calmed down some."

"No, we're having this conversation now, because I might not see you later…for the next eight years," Xemnas hissed, stepping a bit closer to him, curling his hand around the General's wrist and removing the hand hiding his eyes. It pained him for some reason, to know that he refused to look at him, and going along with his leadership position of previous times, not looking your superior in the eyes was punishable by tarring and feathering. Aside from Demyx, no one else made a very attractive chicken.

"No, we're having this conversation _later_," Sephiroth growled lowly, snatching his hand fluidly from Xemnas' grasp and brushed past him, heading for the edge of the sidewalk, searching for that elusive obnoxious yellow car usually driven by middle aged men with thick accents.

"_No_, we're having this conversation _now,_" Xemnas insisted, grabbing the man's arm and tugged sharply at him, completely ignoring the fact that, despite his current weaseling act, this was still the man with the big sword, even if it was absent at the moment, and this man was a level of insanity that Xemnas wasn't quite on.

"_No_, we are having this conversation _later,_" Sephiroth snapped, eyes flashing a bit of their psychosis as he resisted the urge to jam a telephone pole down Xemnas throat and be done with him. He struggled to get out of his grasp, but the man had a hold on him like a teeny bopper holds onto her favorite boy band member, and soon there was a very heated tug of war going on at the edge of the sidewalk for the appendage.

Eventually, it escalated into a mini-cat fight with Xemnas pulling at some odd part of Sephiroth's body and the swordsman clawing and tearing at the part of the Nobody that currently restricted him.

"Get the hell off me damnit!"

"No! Not until you stop running and face the fact that you're a rapist!"

"You can't rape the willing Xemnas, and if I remember correctly, _you _were about three moans away from orgasm!"

"Showers arouse me! Not sexually frustrated sociopathic megalomaniacs!"

Well now, this was all very nice and interesting, with all that pulling and scratching and screaming and prancing and frolicking and-…okay fine, so all that didn't happen, it was just two very angry bishounen attacking each other very close to a sidewalk. Speaking of that sidewalk and being very close to it, Xemnas, at the moment, was trying to pull Sephiroth back from it so he could drag him home by his arm, and Sephiroth was pulling against him, ignoring the odd way his arm kept cracking, still hoping to catch one of the cabs that kept zipping by without him.

Now, with any good romance story that has a couple involved in a tugging match of this caliber, things are going to go array, and eventually one of the two is going to let go, out of frustration and let the other fall to the ground. Xemnas did just that because, quite frankly, he was quite sick of the man and his attitude, and if he was going to get all bent out of shape and prissy, then he could just go die somewhere for all he cared.

And so Xemnas let go.

And Sephiroth lost his balance.

And Sephiroth went flailing into the street.

And was promptly hit by an 18-Wheeler.

……..No really, I'm not kidding this time. Sephy went splatty.

--------------

"Alright, take two of these daily for the next two weeks and you should be cleared up by then."

"And it's only an infection?"

"Yep, nothing to be worried about since you came in when you did."

Luxord, or rather, Dr. Orlund, gave the jittery looking brunette with more piercings than a voodoo doll a very pleasant smile, sending the boy another reassuring tap on the shoulder as he seemed a bit skeptical about his doctor's diagnosis. However, he soon caved and accepted the fact that this man wasn't trying to kill him with another strange pill, as the last wacko had, and shook his hand gratefully with a meek smile since, from what he could tell, the man was the only sane thing walking around this hospital.

After shooing the kid out of the exam room, Luxord soon followed after him, flipping through the pages on his clipboard for the next thing he had to inspect. He groaned. Seemed like the hypochondriac was back again. She was convinced she had brain cancer, and as she kept coming in, he was steadily starting to believe her.

"Dr. Orlund, there's a patient in room 213 that needs a follow-up." He was half expecting to see Xemnas at the clinic's reception table, but it was one of the nurses that actually liked their uniform, too much actually, as the blonde was wearing red fuck-me pumps along with a lacy pink bra that was having a hard time hiding behind her blouse with the amount of baggage it was holding in.

"Sure, I'll get right on it."

"Aren't you going to ask me how my day's going," she said sending him a flirty grin, raising a hand to delicately bite at one finger, shaking her shoulders suggestively.

"Well, judging from the way your nipples are standing out, I'd say you're having a fantastic day Stacy."

"Hee, so you noticed," she said giggling unattractively, tilting her head to one side as she bit her bottom lip gently. "So does that mean you know who I'm thinking about today?"

"Did you know your roots are growing in?"

"What? Really? Where?! Where?!"

"In the front there, love. You better get on that before people figure out you're a brunette."

And that was all it took for him to get her attention off him and allow him to go about his work. Lately, for some reason, the DBAD(Dreamy Blonde American Doctor) hadn't been doing his job of lady killer extraordinaire, so the vultures were swooping down to sink their claws into anything with testosterone. He had a feeling it had something to do with Xemnas, as he was the first [iwoman[/i that'd blown him off, so now he was adamant about cracking into his iron clad defenses.

But anyway, more pressing matters to deal with, like the hit and run case currently sitting in room 213.

"Wow," Luxord said, brows rising in surprise as he shuffled into the room, head down as he inspected the case file for this patient. "Multiple contusions, multiple fractures of the arms and legs, head trauma, dislocated hip, internal bleeding, fractured vertebrae…why the hell isn't this man dead?"

"Because he already is."

And Luxord did the most entertaining impression of an electrocuted chicken ever recorded, well, aside from Xemnas' freak outs that is. Having backed up into the wall, the blonde stared wide eyed at the man sitting in a chair on the other side of the bed, clad in a black three piece suit, driving gloves, with one leg crossed over the other, arms folded. If it hadn't been for the dred's he would've thought him to be James Bond.

"_Xaldin?!_ What are you doing here?! You're supposed to be de-Mghg!"

"Would you pipe down? Do you want to wake Xemnas?" Somehow, Xaldin had ripped through space and time to get from his chair to Luxord to smack a hand over his mouth.

Xaldin motioned his head to the other figure hanging off the edge of the chair on the opposite side of the bed that the Lancer had occupied. His back was to them, but Luxord could imagine the string of spit hanging from his mouth to hover dangerously over the floor.

"Sorry 'bout that," Luxord whispered. "Just wasn't expecting to see you, and after this long too. How've you been? You look good you know that? Still haven't gotten ride of those damn chops-"

"Think we could talk about this later, maybe, after you've done your job?"

"Right, right." Skittering over to the patient, or of what he could see of the man as he looked rather mummified at the moment, he glanced back at Xaldin, then back to the man with the bloodied bandaged head, bits of silver strands sticking out at odd places. He cringed to think what it looked like under there. "Is he even alive?"

"Well, not technically, but it's probably safe to take the bandages off his face now. It's been about three days."

Cautiously, Luxord starting peeling the bloody gauze from his head and, much to his surprise, the face underneath actually looked like a face, not mashed potatoes, raw meat, and strawberry jam as he'd been expecting. He looked, eerily, perfectly unharmed, sleeping rather peacefully. Luxord turned back to Xaldin and raised an eyebrow.

"He's dead isn't he?"

"Like I said before, blonde," Xaldin huffed lightly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I hooked the heart monitor up to a cat in a cage under his bed so people wouldn't get suspicious."

"God, if the ASPCA finds out about this-"

"Then you didn't see anything."

"Then I didn't see anything."

With that bit nicely diced, chopped and out of their way, Luxord went about checking the vital signs of the _cat, _who seemed to be in perfect health aside from a few hairballs, speaking briefly to Xaldin as he went.

"So, how have things been on your side of the service?" There was an odd buildup of ear wax in the cat's ear, which actually wasn't there, but that's what he put in his notes.

"Eh, you know, same old same old," Xaldin replied, inspecting his leather gloves and scratched a spot of dried substance from them. "How 'bout you? This isn't exactly the sort of place I could see you working in."

"Why not? I've always wanted to work at a strip club."

"Yeah…I saw the receptionist…She asked me if I was going to ask her how her day was going."

"Ignore her. Some of the nurses around here are getting a bit frisky since the DBAD's found his new target."

"The who?"

"We call him the Dreamy Blonde American Doctor. He's a Casanova. Lately he's been going after the new…erm…receptionist," Luxord coughed nervously as he knelt beside the open cage beneath the bed, scratching the feline's ears with a finger.

"Really?" Xaldin raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "Who is she?"

"Eh..." He tried very hard not to look at Xemnas. "Just an intern with a bristly attitude."

"Hm…that's interesting…sounds a lot like someone I know," Xaldin mused. Again, Luxord tried to avoid looking at Xemnas, and did a crappy job. But since Xaldin was too enamored by the specks of stuff on his gloves, he didn't notice the amount of sweat leaking from the gambler.

"Well! The patient looks fine," Luxord said suddenly, hurriedly stuffing the cat back in the cage, who chomped on his hand for being pushy, and jumped up importantly. "How 'bout a drink? There's a vending machine downstairs."

"Luxord, you're hand's bleeding."

"I know, I uh," he glanced at his hand. "I do that from time to time. You know, empty the fluids from my body to balance it all out. Don't you do that? I thought everyone did that."

"I…suppose…"Xaldin was wondering what was with the spaz routine, but as he wasn't in the mood to deal with anything else mentally taxing, he decided to humor him and ignore the way the man had suddenly sweated a ten gallon pool of water on the floor around him. If he didn't get him some water he might shrivel up. "Fine, but you're paying."

"What?! Look at that suit you're wearing!"

"So? It's a uniform, now quit being such a stingy bastard and get moving."

--------------

Sephiroth waited for the two men to leave before he opened his eyes, cringing painfully as his body reminded him that, although he was very dead, he was also not impervious to pain. Damnit, what good was being immortal if you felt pain?

Slowly, feeling his spine make a series of unhealthy cracking noises, he sat himself up and eyed the various tubes connected to odd parts of his body and felt his skin crawl all over in revulsion, reminding him that at one point in his life, he'd been in this same sort of position.

Resisting the urge to rip them out of him, he pushed the test tube baby image from his mind and turned to the man slumped in his chair beside him. An interesting flare of déjà vu washed over him as he felt he'd seen him in such a state of tranquility, completely dead to the world in his bliss.

Sitting up enough to where his back didn't make any more suspicious noises, very much aware of how numb his legs were, Sephiroth tilted his head to one side as he observed Xemnas in a rare moment of stillness, and was once again reminded of the angelic-but-not-quite image he'd conjured up for him. As Xemnas shifted marginally in his dreams, a bit of a frown creasing his face before it smoothed itself peacefully, the red book that'd been balancing rather precariously on his lap slid and fell to the ground, causing the man to curl uncomfortable in on himself a mite. It seemed uncanny that he only looked docile while he slept, very much like a panther would if you were to catch them off guard.

He also took note of how dead he looked. Yes, the fact that dead people looked dead while they slept had crossed his mind, but even those hanging in the balance of Purgatory could still retain some semblance of human. They had to if they wanted to blend with the living world, but Xemnas, he wasn't even sure the man was breathing. He looked like a discarded baby doll, wrapped in his new threads (Thank god! He'd desperately needed the change of wardrobe), waiting for his new owner to wind him back up, wind him back into life and sense, becoming, once again, the intelligently sharp tongued creature that he was.

Raising his eyebrow thoughtfully, Sephiroth reached for the glass of water on his bed side table and threw its contents on the coin-operated man.

That was probably the best way to wind him up, as he flailed into life like a shot, limbs flying, loosing his balance and fell off his chair with an irate squeaking noise. After a moment of motionless silence, a silence that agitated the swordsman who looked about the room half expecting him to pop out of a crack somewhere, Xemnas' hand appeared at the side of his bed, pulling himself up till his head was in view along with a very large pulsating vein taking up one side of his head.

"Why…Why do you keep _doing that?!_"

"You weren't breathing. I got worried."

"I'm _dead._"

"Now, now, let's not get smart." Sephiroth paused for a moment to cringe, bending his head a bit as he pressed his fingers against his left side, biting back the irresistible urge to whimper like a hound with a cannonball sized hole in its gut. After he was sure that an alien wasn't going to pop out of his ribcage, he raised his head and frowned at Xemnas, as he'd gone into a bit of a depressed stupor, head hanging low and looking like he'd just been sentenced to death…again.

"Xemnas?" Watching the man flinch a bit, he noticed the way the golden eyed man sort of shrank away from him, a rather pained expression on his face. "You look a little constipated."

"Yeah, constipated with guilt," He muttered darkly, looking away for a moment as he sighed, deciding that he was suddenly very interested in the wall. It was very ugly wallpaper, he noted, and it reminded him of baby vomit.

"Guilt? Guilt for what?"

"..'most 'illed 'ou."

"What was that?"

"I almost killed you!"

"Ow! Headache, headache." Sephiroth was waiting for Xemnas to tell him to quite whining about his head, or take a jab at his ego that big boys didn't cry about headaches, but it never came, and as the cloud of depression that was hovering over Xemnas' head still hadn't abated, he deduced that the man was actually, genuinely, feeling shitty about the whole thing.

"There's a rain cloud over your head Xemnas."

"I'm depressed." The rain cloud shifted around a bit over the silver haired Nobody's head, threatening to spill rain onto its already wet victim. The Goddess was also very intrigued to figure out how Xemnas had manifested a little rain cloud, but she was going to keep her comments hush-hush as this was serious business.

Rolling his eyes, Sephiroth picked up an apple on the tray of plastic looking hospital food resting on the table to his right, and threw it at the cloud, successfully dissipating it and earning a questioning look from the golden eyed man.

"You only have the right to call up a depressed rain cloud if it's something to be plausibly depressed about."

"Sephiroth, I pushed you out into the street," Xemnas sighed, rolling his eyes and sitting back in his chair moodily, threatening to call forth the rain cloud.

"You didn't mean it on purpose."

"I wanted you to _die. _I thought to myself, that my life would be so much easier if you'd just roll over and died and leave me the hell alone," he said exasperatedly, rising from his chair in a huff and began pacing the room irritably. "See? If I hadn't thought that, we wouldn't be here!"

"You were angry with me. You can't blame yourself for that."

"Yes but angry people don't try to wish death on each other!" He paused as he noted the swordsman's _"Really? Think about that statement again" _look and quirked his mouth to one side as he bobbed his head in agreement. "Okay fine, so maybe angry people _do _wish person X would die, but goddamnit I didn't think it would actually happen!"

"Xemnas. I'm already dead."

"_That's not the point! I could've killed you again!_"

"That would just make me undead."

"_Shyeah! And you'd be undead by __**my **__hands!_"

"Why the hell do you keep yelling in italics?"

"_Because I'm disgruntled!_"

Growling a bit, Xemnas flopped himself down on the floor, legs crossed, arms folded, and began to brood quite deeply, deep enough so that the rain cloud appeared once more over his head. Sniffing lightly, Sephiroth eyed the little rain cloud hovering above the space that he knew to be where Xemnas had plopped down, sighed exhaustedly, and let his head fall back against the pillow as he shut his eyes.

Dealing with distraught people was never something he was particularly good at, as his idea of comfort was something like "Put a band-aid on it" or "Stop your bitching, Nancy Boy! There's no crying in baseball!" and a plethora of other humorous gruff responses. This however, was something completely different, because the distress was coming from another person who was actually worrying about his well being, genuinely, or as much as he could tell from the man, and he wasn't so sure that telling him to suck it up would make it any better.

"Xemnas?" He wasn't expecting a response, and he wasn't given one, and so he picked up a knife resting on the tray beside him, paused, and picked up the spoon instead and threw it the man sulking at the foot of his bed, earning an irritated yelp.

"Goddamnit stop throwing things at me while I'm sulking!"

"Xemnas, come here."

"No."

"Come here, or I'm throwing the steak knife at you."

Xemnas complied, as even when injured, the Mighty Sephiroth had impeccable aim. Slinking along the floor like a certain snakey individual that hasn't appeared for a while, coughcoughElijahcoughcough, he dragged himself to his feet, shoulders hunched as he stared vacantly down at the man now sitting upright, hands folded neatly against stomach and eyeing him with a certain level of scrutiny. Xemnas squirmed a bit under that gaze, as those damn eyes starting boring holes into his soul, into the emptiest part of his being, and just when he was about to slap him across the face to get ride of the vulture look, the man sighed lightly and a ghost of a smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth for a moment.

"Don't presume that you can kill me so easily. It's going to take more than an 18-Wheeler to snuff me out of existence."

"They said you were flat-lined for 10 minutes."

Sephiroth made a face. "Alright, so I'm not impervious to vehicular manslaughter, but since I'm already dead, no harm done."

"You're side's bleeding again."

"I know. I do that from time to time…I empty the fluids from my body to keep a proper balance throughout-" Xemnas wasn't taking the bait, as the rain cloud had begun to let a few drops of water squeeze out of it and pelt through the silver strands. Wincing a bit as his ribs leaked a bit of life's fluid, Sephiroth grumbled a bit, trying to dust out the empty shelves that stored compassion and found them to be full of lice with tomahawks.

Xemnas, on the other hand, was a bit at a loss for why on earth he was feeling responsible for the accident, what with having a lack of heart, and because his brain was telling him that the damn idiot should've watched where he was falling. Lately, it seemed that a whole slew of sticky obnoxious things called feelings were making themselves known all at once. He needed to figure out what was causing that and get rid of it, but despite his intellect telling him that it was because of a certain silver haired bishounen, he was going to say it was because of the weather.

"It hurts here." Looking up, he found the swordsman raising his left hand, palm facing towards him as he pointed to some spot on the back of his hand. He had a blank look on his face, but his eyes were a mixed soup of mischief and insanity, quite a dangerous mix when brought to a boil.

Sephiroth watched Xemnas, noted the question behind his eyes as he stared just as blankly back at him, probably trying to decide if he was going to get hit with a blunt object or not, and decided that a bit of reassurance that nothing of the sort was going to befall him was in order. "It hurts Xemnas," he repeated himself, tapping the back of his left hand with his right finger. "Aren't you going to make it better?"

After an extensive stretch of time, and a tumble weed rolled past the door, Xemnas eventually willed himself forward, grasping the offered hand as if it were made of glass, and, a bit cautiously, pressed his lips lightly over the indicated area as a pair of maddened mako eyes observed his movements, waiting until Xemnas had drawn away to shift his hand to point a finger to his chest. "It hurts here too."

"Is that so?" Xemnas smirked, the rain cloud, looking very irritated at being unable to hold onto Xemnas' depression, began to shrink and twitch. Tilting his head to one side, the dark clothed man seated himself on the edge of the bed, placing his arm on the other side of Sephiroth's body, leaning against it as he eyed him with mock suspicion.

"Mhm, hurts like hell," Sephiroth replied, trying his best to do a beaten puppy impression, but it came off looking like a psychotic hell-hound after a virgin sacrifice.

Xemnas tried to ignore the look, as it was probably meant to look like something else, hopefully, and kicked it from his mind as he picked open the front of his tied gown, shifting the fabric to one side as he placed another lingering kiss to the man's chest, noticing the shallow intake of breath, and flicked his tongue over the skin before drawing back.

Sephiroth had a funky look on his face, some emotion of confusion, fascination and _"What the hell am I doing?" _But it broke away as he regained some part of his composure and placed a finger to his forehead over his left eye, sending Xemnas that same beaten dog/ecstatic hell-hound look again.

"There too?" Xemnas inquired, receiving a brief nod before he rolled his eyes, smiling bit as he took hold of the swordsmans chin, leaning his head down and pressed a kiss to the spot, feeling a warm fuzzy moldy motherly feeling at the gesture before he pulled away to study him. "Anywhere else I should know about oh pitiful one?"

Again, he received no spoken words, other than a cheeky smile as the swordsman raised a finger to his lips, tapping them lightly and watched Xemnas face go blank for a minute before he complied, ghosting his lips over the swordsman's before completing the chaste kiss, lingering, curious in nature, before the golden eyed man pulled a few breathes from him and sighed, reaching up and waving a hand over his head to be rid of the rain cloud, ignoring its cries of angst that floated away into the nothingness of strangeness from whence it came.

"Will that be all, your Majesty?"

"Hn…" The swordsman paused for a moment before making an uncomfortable face. "My bladder hurts."

"That sounds like a personal problem."

"A problem I need to deal with before it becomes your problem," he grumbled, shifting about uneasily. "Now help me up, I think my legs are still numb."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Mille: **Yay for getting this chapter done! It took me nearly half a century, what with me being a bit physically impaired. But here it is, not nearly as funny as the other chapters I believe, as this seemed like more of a filler chapter.

**Sephiroth: **Still can't believe I got hit by a truck. Didn't see that one coming.

**Xemnas: **_But you said it wasn't my fault!_ T.T

**Sephiroth: **Stop yelling in italics damnit!

**Mille: **Anyway, onward to the footnotes! Only one today kiddies. x3

(1): **Transporter **is that action movie with Jason Stratham who transports packages from point A to point B with no questions asked. Of course, human nature is all about questioning things, that and if he didn't break his rules we wouldn't have an entertaining movie. I still don't know what Xaldin's public service job is that requires him to look like a transporter. He still won't tell me.


	6. Chapter 6

**-:-Warnings-:-** Randomly boring dialogue that sets up the following chapter of mass insanity.

**Disclaimer:** Yeah, yeah, you know the drill.

**Volurin: **Thanks for the story recommendation, I hunted it down as soon as I saw it. The portrayal of Sephiroth was just hilarious. xD I always love fics that have Yazoo, Kadaj, and Loz as his "children". Think there's a good fic floating around with that premise, "The Stepfather." I think it's called. It's a Xemnas/Sephiroth fic and since there's such a small category of them it shouldn't be hard to find if you haven't read it already.

**Mix Golden Pheonix: **…..::Tries to figure out how to slice open a bookcase with a spoon:: Well, as I'm one of the few individuals who've actually cut their heads on the toilet seat, I won't say that getting mauled by a spoon is impossible.

**Jewlin-Chan: **Xaldin was so born for the James Bond role. xD And I'm glad all the random organization members being thrown are making the people happy-happy. It just wouldn't be a good story without random cameos.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Marvin Gaye and The Love Monkeys**

Or a better title:

_In which "those meddling kids" strike again with promiscuous intentions._

_----___

**F**or the past month or so since the hit and run incident, Marluxia had noticed a definite change in the already unusual demeanor of his favorite bartender. Initially he'd thought it was because the man was going through an intense spiritual inspection of his existence in the world, since getting hit by large moving objects tends to coerce the subject of soul searching, but lately, as he'd begun to monitor him more, he had a lingering theory that it was something else.

"I still say he's feeling very small in the vastness of the universe, and that's only because he had his life flash before his eyes." The musician, clad in black from the tips of his boots to the roots of his hair and a plethora of gothic paraphernalia hanging off, upon and around him, shifted his weight and sucked on his lip ring worriedly. "Can you just imagine the angst he's going through? His whole natural order's been called into question. He needs to write a song about it or something-get it off his mind."

"Whatever Shakespeare, I still say he's got brain damage, poor thing." The half dressed amateur actor sighed anxiously, placing a delicate hand to the side of his face as he mused. "I mean really, he's had that spaced out look on his face for the past, what? Month? That's so not healthy. I think a few screws came loose in that accident."

"Too bad. He's such a hot piece of ass too," the Hispanic hairdresser snickered, eyeing the bartender's backside before nudging Marluxia with his hip. "He still single?"

"Tch. Why do you think I've been after him?" He replied, rolling his eyes and smirking, which didn't last very long as he watched the silver haired man continue to pour gin into a customer's glass well after it'd over flown. Narrowing his eyes as he observed him, he noted the rather thoughtful expression he had on his face, not that it was anything new since he was a rather thoughtful individual, but this was a sort of distracted thought, an angsting sort of thought, the kind of thought that you could hit him over the head with a skillet and he wouldn't even know it until a week later.

And to prove the point, the Goddess came down, with a skillet, and smacked Sephiroth repeatedly over the head with it. No response. She shook her head and promptly ascended to The Above.

"Yeah…there's some screws loose alright," the pink haired man said at length, folding his arms over his chest as he pulled himself away from the counter and the cluster of men behind it. "But I don't think it has anything to do with getting hit by a semi." Finishing off a glass of Pepsi the musician had neglected to pay heed to, Marluxia sauntered his way over to his current man of interest and preceded with his diagnosis.

--------------

And somewhere, not too far away, Elijah, Xaldin and Luxord were doing just the same from their perch a few paces from the clinic's reception table, like a cluster of scientists, as they watched the DBAD try in vain to get Xemnas-er Nurse Newt's attention. At the moment, he was practically in her lap, arms threaded about her shoulders, and aside from the occasional sigh, hadn't gotten any further response from his latest interest. Hell! She hadn't even stapled his hand, stabbed his shoulder or bitten his face yet!

This was most distressing to him, and after he'd rubbed his face all up against her cheek, still receiving no response but another thoughtful sigh, he shed waterfalls of tears and slithered his way onto the floor in a depressed puddle, crawling along the tiles towards the three lurking near an empty hospital bed where he promptly reformed himself from an amoeba to a multi-celled organism.

"It's like I don't even exist anymore!" He cried mournfully, still weeping bitterly and tugging at the end of his tie with his teeth. "Not even a slap in the face, nothing! How am I to exist as an invisible being? Invisible to the eyes of my one true love?! I should just end it all!" And out of nowhere, droves of women stampeded from all directions and plastered themselves all over the blonde doctor's body, crying, wailing, cooing, doing all sorts of things that adoring women do to keep Dreamy Blonde American Doctors from wanting to end their lives for love.

"Don't you think you're being a little too dramatic?" Luxord cringed as a woman began licking hungrily at the American's neck.

"Here at Somewhat Specific Hospital, there is no such thing as _too much drama_," he said with a toss of his peroxide blonde hair. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go stuff my head in a blender." And there he went, dragging along a carpet of screaming women, three violinists following close behind as they played his Exiting Theme Song.

Xaldin twitched his eye. "And you say he's always like that?"

"Actually, aside from myself and Xemnas, most everyone is like that here."

"Thas quite annoyin," Elijah added thoughtfully, then began to jump up and down, ever so excited that he got to make another appearance in the story. But anyway, he had an important mission to complete. "Anyhoo, ah've got an important mission ta complete."

…I just said that.

"Ah know, ah just wanted to give it more meanin by puttin it in dialogue form."

Okay whatever, just move on with it.

And with that force in motion, Elijah, and the two other vultures moved in to closer inspect their spacey silver haired mouse, not at all surprised to see that Xemnas still hadn't noticed them as he was too busy staring into the fluorescent lights and giving himself retinal cancer.

--------------

"Just bone him already."

Sephiroth's brain had a bit of a seizure at that out of nowhere statement, and after he shook his hand and dried it of gin, he turned his head and raised a thin white eyebrow at the smaller man, wearing a baby blue collard shirt, opened at the top, and a pair of black pants and shoes. Seemed he didn't want to advertise himself today.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said, just bone him already."

--------------

"And why are you under the impression that I'm lovesick?" Xemnas replied coolly, eyes focused on the piece of paper that indicated that he'd be taking on a new job from the Guild. He wasn't sure for what reason they would want him to be a Therapist, as not only was he a bit of a narcissist on good days, but he didn't give two shits about other people's life issues.

"I can see it all over your face Xemmy-kun," Elijah moaned mournfully, resting his pale chin against the countertop, sending Xemnas a sad puppy dog face, and pulled it off rather nicely despite his bandaged eyes.

"He's lovesick?" Xaldin raised an eyebrow turning to Luxord.

"Hey, don't look at me. I know nothing," he said raising his hands defensively.

"Would you all cut it out, I'm not lovesick _damnit_!" Xemnas growled, folding the paper hurriedly and stuffing it into his shirt. He was once again reminded that breasts were useful for other things then groping. "I'm just tired that's all."

--------------

"Ah, ah, ah! Not with that face you're not. Look at you, you can't even function," Marluxia huffed, crossing his arms over his chest and slouching a bit. "You haven't even doused those two over there yet."

Sephiroth turned to the two teenage boys playing tonsil hockey against the counter, sniffed a bit, then promptly threw a glass full of ice water on them. After they'd scampered away, the bartender turned back to Marluxia with a smirk.

"Not to mention you've been screwing up drink orders left and right. Hell I'm almost afraid to tell you to give me Rum and Coke! I might end up with lighter fluid substitute or something."

Sephiroth scowled. "Like I said before. I'm tired."

"You're more than tired. Face it hun," Marluxia slapped a hand down on his shoulder, giving him a no nonsense look. "You've got _love jones_ and you've got it like bird flu."

--------------

"A bird?" Xemnas bristled irritable, looking from Luxord to Elijah. "Why does everyone insist on equating me to a bird?!"

"Because you've got bird hair."

"I do _not!_"

"But you make a very attractive bird."

"Shut up Xaldin-"

"Make all the other birdies want to love you long time-"

"I still have that hypodermic needle from earlier. Want me to stab you too?"

Xaldin cringed, not liking the prospect of being stabbed by a pointy object. He rather liked to be on the giving end of stabbityness. "But even so, as of late, you've been acting funky, and the only thing that gets a Nobody funky is something to do with the heart."

--------------

"Alright fine, let's just presume for an irrational moment that I _am_ lovesick," Sephiroth presented, mixing a Daiquiri for himself and his pink haired boss, handing him a glass and leaning against the counter. "Why are you under the impression that I'm hung up over another man?"

"Really?" Marluxia rolled his eyes and took a sip of the drink, licking a corner of his mouth. "You're that dense? Come now, you're practically the only decidedly straight male in this whole establishment. And if it were a woman, you wouldn't be angsting so much. _And_ lately you've been fidgeting a lot more around my customers, more than usual anyway."

"I do not fidget," the swordsman snorted, eye twitching a bit as he doused himself in the sweetened bite of the alcohol.

"You're doing it right now!"

"I'm tired. I fidget when I'm tired."

"No, you get irritable and snappy when you're tired. You also have this habit of tugging at the hair behind your ears and muttering evil things to yourself when you're tired."

Sephiroth stared at Marluxia.

"Yes, I watch you that closely," he smirked triumphantly. "Because you're such a sexy beast."

--------------

"Okay, can we get _off_ the subject of my legs?"

"Yeah guys, Xemmy-kun's still all flumfluxed in the head!"

"I am _not _flumfustered or whatever you just said. I'm tired. _Tired. _It happens a lot to people when they work in melodramatic soap opera hospital-angst situations and live in hazardous living environments."

Somehow, Elijah had managed to worm his way over the reception desk and was now sitting in Xemnas' lap, arms about his neck and hugging him very much like a mother hen. For some reason, just because Elijah was so very small, it didn't really bother the man that he was in his space. Maybe it reminded him of a certain blonde haired blue eyed boy, but Number 13, for all his childlike qualities, acted like a 30 year old.

"Well, something's screwing you all up, and I still say it has to do with your silver haired partner."

"Oh please, does every conversation have to include _him?_"

"Oh, you mean that Sephiroth guy?" Luxord, at having to deal with him and his stubborn attitude for about two more days while he recuperated, knew of the man quite well. "_That's _his partner?"

"Mhm," Xaldin nodded mischievously, waggling his eyebrows at Xemnas as he grinned. "Superior knows how to catch 'em." And managed to dodge a flying butcher knife as it imbedded itself in the wall beside the group therapy post on the other side of the room.

"Where?...Where did you get that?" Luxord asked nervously, shifting around to gain his balance as Xaldin had suddenly suctioned onto his waist, sweating profusely.

"You'd be surprised what I can keep in this shirt," Xemnas replied coolly, twitching his eye then sighed when Elijah hugged his neck a bit tighter, infecting him with calm vibes, and leaned his head against the reptile-boy's shoulder as he grumbled.

"See, you're doing the thing again." Elijah exclaimed, pulling away from him and poking his nose with a finger.

"What thing?"

--------------

"That thing! You just did it! The Forlorn Pitiful Sigh of The Angst Ridden Male!"

"I do _not _have an angst ridden sigh. I'm not even angsting right now. I've already had eight of these and I feel so happy I could write songs about it." It was true. Sephiroth, in all his distractedness, and just because the Goddess wanted to know how Seph would act, had consumed a total of eight Daiquiri's with increasingly more alcohol added, and aside from not seeming outwardly buzzed, was beaming all hues of radiant fuzziness at the moment.

"I'm sure you could honey." Marluxia, who usually didn't take too lightly to drunken employees, although it happened occasionally, was going to let this man have his moment of freedom. Hell, if he didn't screw the guy he was freaking out about, the peach haired man had a very convincing way of getting people into motel rooms with him. But seeing as he couldn't wreck a home that he didn't know the address to, he decided he'd keep his evil to a minimum and play the role of cupid instead. He thought he made a rather charming cherub.

"Besides, I can't stand his ass, whiney little bitch," Sephiroth slurred, waving his hand and spilling a bit of alcohol on the floor, which Marluxia resisted the urge to kick him for, but since he was finally letting down his defenses he decided to let it go. "He insists on breaking my rules daily, placing me in awkward positions, and yaps at me like those rats do."

"Chihuahua's?"

"Yes, those things!"

"Those aren't rodents, those are dogs."

"If you can fit it in a coffee cup, it no longer counts as a dog."

Marluxia snickered a bit, shaking his head, but motioned for him to continue anyway, as he did without reservation.

"But anyway, yes, I can't stand him. Little conceited shit."

--------------

"Awwww! Xemmy-kun you don't hate Sephy-kun! Hate is such a strong word," Elijah reasoned sensibly, kicking his legs a bit against the side of the reception desk that the silver haired angst ball was seated behind. He'd been made to move from his seat on Xemnas' lap when he'd very suddenly changed form and sent an old woman into cardiac arrest. "I'm sure he's quite a difficult person to get along with, but he's a very respectable, honorable, and level-headed individual."

"Really? Then we obviously must be talking about two _very _different people, because last time I checked, my partner was a self-centered, egotistical bastard of a cantankerous old-"

--------------

"-narcissistic, infantile-"

--------------

"-degenerate drag star-"

"Wait? He's a drag queen?"

"No…but he wears leather-"

--------------

"-And if that isn't gay I don't know what is."

"Well, since you don't seem the slightest bit queer, I suppose you wouldn't have a clue on how to spot that in anyone else." Marluxia paused for a moment and then snickered. "But since your starting to smell like one of us, don't worry, if there's anything you need to know, feel free to ask."

Sephiroth scowled. "I don't need any tips from _you_ thank you very much. I think the only reason I'm all screwed up is because I've been working here."

"Ah, don't say that," Marluxia whined with mock hurt, pasting his best _I'm so cute you just can't resist me _look on his face. "You know we all love you here."

"Yes, you all love looking at my ass," he growled, jabbing a finger at Marluxia's face, or, well, at least at one of them. There were three now. "And don't think I haven't _noticed! _The musician keeps saying something about a personal session with him, and I don't believe it has _anything _to do with _music!_"

--------------

"I swear, I would never do that to you!" The blonde gambler was waving his hands about defensively again, something he was doing very much of lately. "Besides, why on earth would I want to shrink your uniform?"

"Oh stuff it Luxord! When I washed my uniform with you, I distinctly remember putting it in there as a size large, and now it's a size small! _Small _Luxord. I can't fit all of _this _in a small!"

Luxord tried to ignore the very alluring way that Xemnas was clutching at his chest, but as he felt the blood leaking from his nose, he felt that his cunning plan was failing. "How would I even go about shrinking your clothing anyway? That Laundromat's pretty big. You were like, eight washers away from me."

"You're crafty Luxord. Why else would I have allowed you into the Organization?"

--------------

"I resent that."

"You resent it because you know it's true." Marluxia tilted his head to one side, eyeing the man currently sprawling his arms over the counter, chin resting against the wood as he stared into the mass of shifting bodies of various rainbow hues. It was rather gay in here tonight, and Sephiroth was feeling rather misplaced with the confusion slowly trying to killing off his jolly-buzz.

"Look, really," the blue eyed man sighed, folding his arms and slouching against the counter beside his bartender. "Just screw him already, whoever he is. You'll feel so much better in the morning."

"Right, because sex solves everything," Sephiroth muttered, rolling his eyes and edged his way away from the man. He could feel his normal demeanor slipping back in, and he needed to get himself away from the knives lest he do something to his boss that he would regret later.

--------------

"Of course it solves everything. Always solved my problems."

"That's because you're a whore, blondie."

"Screw you Xaldin, unlike you, I'm still a virgin."

"Not with your fist you're not."

"Riiight, because you've got such ultra-sensitive hearing that you could hear everything that I did in my room, _three halls down_."

"The halls echo; and along with the sounds that carried from Marluxia and Axel's room's, every time I went to the kitchen I could hear you in there, beating your dick like it owed you money-"

"Augh! Merciful Heavens! Can we _please _not talk about this?!" Elijah was trying very hard to get the dirty images out of his virgin head, and distracted himself by trying to get Xemnas to remove his face from the desk he'd currently been slumped over for the past few rants.

The silver haired man was emotionally worn out, which seemed rather peculiar to him because he didn't know what emotion was wearing him out. "Can I please go home now?" Xemnas moaned rather pitifully, like, poor child with no legs pitifully.

"No. We're not leaving until you give us a straight 'yes' or 'no' answer," Xaldin demanded, folding his arms over his chest and sighed, wondering why in the hell he was doing this again. Oh yes, that's right, so his leader would stop acting _emo _and get back to being his usual catty self.

"No-"

"And you can't say no!" Luxord interjected, stuffing another piece of candy he'd found in the folds of his jacket into his mouth, cringed, then quickly spat it out of his mouth and pawed at the lint clinging to his tongue.

Xemnas raised his head and twitched an eye. "I don't care what you idiots say, I am _not_ having sex with him."

"Why not? You practically went all the way last time."

"That was _sexual harassment._ There is a very fine line between _sex _and _sexual harassment_."

"But they both have the word sex in them, right?" Elijah offered innocently. "Same difference."

"NO, it is _not _the _same difference!_ Augh!" Xemnas threw his hands up, digging his fingers into his hair and pulling at it as he made a frustrated cat noise. "Am I the _only _one here who isn't fucking _daft?! _Have you even listened to a _word _that I've _said?!_"

"But you're lovesick, so you're in no mental state to make rational decisions," Luxord nodded sagely, giving him his most docterly look of importance which Xemnas was not impressed by. "Really, there's no hope for you now, but through extensive experimentation, my diagnosis clearly states that leaving early from work, slipping into some lingerie, and getting a good lay to the tune of Marvin Gaye will have you right as rain by tomorrow."

"Lu_xord_."

"Ah, but there are side-effects, of course. Slight pain in the lower spinal region, but not anything a pillow or wheel chair can't take care of."

"Am I going to have to turn you into a Dusk?"

"You can't do that. You're a stiff now," Luxord said triumphantly, paused, as he noted the feral look in his leader's eyes, and then tilted his head anxiously to one side. "Or…can you?"

"I'm still a Nobody, Luxord, and forty bucks says I haven't lost my touch."

"Well…erm…in that case I've got a bet of my own in mind as well, my dear Superior." Luxord's survival mechanism, when forced into a wall, was to make random propositions.

--------------

Sephiroth stared blankly, unamused, at Marluxia, who was just beaming a variety of flowers and happiness that it started to infect the nearest patrons and sent them into fits of passion. After the silver haired man threw around some ice water to shoo them away, he turned back to the man, arms folded, head tilted to one side as he tried to reword the wager he'd been presented with in his brain.

"So…let me see if I have this correct. This bet, for a whole three weeks off of work, is going to revolve around whether or not I screw my partner when I get home?"

"That's exactly what I said."

"Alright good, I just had to say that over again out loud, in my own words, so I could tell you-"

--------------

"-That's the stupidest idea for a bet you've come up with Luxord."

"Oh come on! You know it's a good bet! It's the best I've come up with yet!"

"No, no. Ah, ah, no way." Xemnas wheeled away from the desk a bit, hands raised as he flicked the wrist of one, shaking his head as he wore a non-compliant smile on his face. "There's no _way _I'm taking this bet."

"And why not?"

"Okay, because maybe, Number 1, it's a retarded bet, Number 2, you're calling my non-existent ability of seduction into the playing field, and Number 3," he scoffed leaning forward slapping his hands on the counter. "Do you _think _I fell off the turnip truck _yesterday? _What _idiot _makes a bet with _you?!_"

"Eh, so far? About 11 idiots," Luxord said a bit smugly, rocking back and forth on his heels, hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his lab coat as he beamed pleasantly. "And you'll be my 12th idiot if you do decide to take it."

Xemnas gave him a look that could scare a nursery full of children, and, somewhere in the maternity ward of Somewhat Specific Hospital, a chorus of screaming babies erupted out of nowhere and confused the nurses.

"But of course, neh, you're not an idiot my dear superior, because you'll have nothing to loose," Luxord added quickly, adjusting his tie as he began to melt into his shoes.

"He does have a point though Xemnas," Xaldin added, finished with picking invisible lint off his suit, coming around behind the desk and leaned against its edge, arms folded, looking down upon his leader with a fatherly sort of look.

Xemnas eyed him. That look meant that he was thinking about his sanity again and trying to preserve it, and he hated people thinking about his sanity. He was a scientist, and scientists were prone to fits of insanity. Without that, the natural order of the universe would come crashing down.

"Well then enlighten me, how on _earth _could this bet possibly be _beneficial _to me?"

--------------

"Well for one thing, you could finally release some sexual frustration."

"I'm _not _sexually frustrated." Sephiroth gave him another irritated glare, a bit more venomous than the last, and as he caught himself, he took another swig of whiskey, throwing himself back into the happy-buzz once more. "Unlike most, I am able to exhibit self-control."

"Which is why this bet shouldn't be such a problem for you, right? You say you've got the discipline of a monk, and I say you've got as much discipline as a rabbit in heat, and since I have seen you exhibit the discipline of chastity rather well, I don't see what your getting bristly about," Marluxia sighed, pouring himself a glass of water, needing to re-hydrate himself after sucking down all that alcohol, and stepped into the man as he made to walk around him, cutting him off by placing a hand to his chest. "Really, what have you got to loose?" He said softly, long lashes falling partially over his eyes as he traced the tensed muscles in his neck and jaw before catching his hazy green eyes once more. "Or rather, to gain."

Sephiroth breathed gently, rolling the obnoxious thing around in his head for a moment before tilting his head slightly. "A few weeks off would be rather pleasant."

"Mhm, and hey, just because I'm such a sweetheart, I'll even give you pay for those weeks your not here too." Yes, money. That was a thing that lately the Guild had been rather frugal with, and at the moment, aside from what he could scrounge out from his job here as well as the other places he was sent to for menial tasks, he hadn't seen any green carbon based paper for a while. The offer was a very tasty bit of fish in a bowl.

"And all I have to do is practice self-control?"

"Simple as that."

--------------

"And all I have to do is get him to break his self-control?"

"Yep! And not only will I cover for you for the time that you're out, but I'll also see if I can't get you a better uniform."

Xemnas raised his eyebrows, twisting from side to side in the rolling chair, arms folded as he went over this little deal in his head. He was still under the impression that he would be able to function without getting laid, despite Luxord's claims that he'd been mixing up which medicine's went to which patients, but if he managed to get the silver haired man to do him, he'd be able to get in some much needed off time. That and he'd be able to find out a bit more about his neighbors and also how to get rid of their pest problem.

"And I have to do this within the next," he trailed off looking at the clock. 10:30 am. "24 hours?"

"Well, more like 14 really, but yeah, something like that," Luxord nodded cracking his neck before jabbing a finger at Xemnas. "_And _you have to call me and tell me within that time or else you get nothing," he added impishly, producing a pen and wrote his cell down on a slip of paper he'd torn off a stack of medical records.

"And if I manage to get him to sleep with me, you have to wear my uniform for the days that I'm not at work," Xemnas added at length, snatching the piece of paper and slipped it into another section of his chest.

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Luxord smiled widely. There was no way in hell that Xemnas could get anything to sleep with him, being as his personality was rather over-bearing and, well, having no heart meant it was quite difficult to conjure up the right emotion in which to ensnare your victim. "But if I win, you have to wear whatever I give you for the next three weeks."

--------------

"…"

"What? Are you afraid to dress in drag, my dear sir?"

"No, because I _won't _be wearing drag, my dear employer, because this bet is already decided," Sephiroth retorted, filling up another glass of whiskey, irritably trying to ignore the way the man kept grinning evilly at him. "So you might as well go find yourself a fuzzy pink collar and a leash, because you're going to be my dog for the next three weeks."

"And while I'm buying myself some doggie ears, I'll be sure to pick up a catholic school girl outfit for you, my favorite bartender." Marluxia was trying very hard not to laugh at the mental image that was floating its way into his head, but as it stood, this man didn't have a clue what he was getting into. As alluring as the idea was of getting to be his dog, literally, for a whole three weeks, the pink haired man had his dignity to think of as well as his reputation.

"So it's a deal?"

Sephiroth eyed the man before nodding sagely, raising his hand to shake his.

--------------

"Yes, it's a deal," Xemnas replied, taking Luxord's hand firmly as a haughty smirk worked its way onto his face. This man had no idea what just hit him in the ass at 50 miles an hour.

_----___

**Mille: **Yay for filler chapters. :B


	7. Chapter 7

**Mille: **Oh look at that. I'm alive. Yes, so, haven't been updating as much since Anime Expo's drawing steadily closer and we've been working on costumes non stop. Yay, got my Xemnas costume all finished, now all I have to do is find some random Sephiroth and rape him silly. :B

**The Chary: **Yes, Luxord in sexy nurse threads is rather giggle worthy…I just might have to draw that later.

**Volurin: **I know, dialogue, so totally not funny at all. I've actually been tossing around the Saix idea for a while since you've mentioned it, just not sure what to do with it though.

**Mix Golden Phoenix: **I hate those dogs…no, they don't count as dogs; they're large domesticated hairless rats. .

**-:-Warnings-:-** LEMON. Yeah, it's an M rating for a reason, and since I don't like editing things with nice fade out scenes, if you know the _gay parts_ are going to bother you considerably, you might want to skip a large portion of this thing.

**Disclaimer:** Yada, yada, blah, blah, monkeys like salt.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Yummy, Head to Toe**

Or a better title:

_In which, after 6 chapters of dry desert, the author finally writes an entire chapter about moist men_

_----___

**W**ednesday, 10: 45am:

After taking an excessively long time in the bathroom to be ride of the affects of the Alteration serum that whiney little child-woman had given him, Xemnas snuck out to the locker room in the west wing of the hospital and threw on-oh god if felt so good to say it!-_men's clothes_, and proceeded on his way out the door.

Clad in black, taking Xaldin's advice that he looked quite dashing in the color, he quickly skittered his way out of the hospital, ducking his head a bit as the DBAD caught sight of him and gave him a cheerful smile, paused, and then turned his head to watch the oddly familiar man disappear through the sliding glass doors.

"…Has he ever been here before?"

"Hm?" Luxord was trying to ignore the man by studying the color patterns in a peach he'd stolen from the doctor's lounge. "No."

"Really?...He looks so familiar. Looks like my 2nd wife."

Luxord frowned. "You don't have a second wife."

"I know, but I'll have one soon," the DBAD said with a cheeky grin, causing an involuntary twitch from his colleague who quickly vacated the premises to go tell someone they had hives.

--------------

A six foot tall silver haired behemoth was currently stuffed uncomfortably in the back of a tiny cab, stuck in traffic, and trying to ignore the way he kept twitching and fidgeting in his seat, while the passenger beside him, a young red headed man, had been staring at him for the past 15 minutes. He didn't normally hold a cab for someone else, as it was reserved for himself and his ego, so for him to do it today, of all days, was just beyond him.

He could feel his pores screaming as they needed to sweat, but he beat them over the head with a stick and kept himself calm.

"You're eyes are pretty."

"Thank you," he replied stiffly, keeping said eyes glued to the back of the driver's seat as they moved a couple more inches.

"You're hairs pretty too."

"Thank you." He was cracking his knuckles, loudly, now, and he took a calming breath as he took that moment to find something of interest outside the grimy window. He needed to get to the doorway on 2nd street, a randomly placed doorway that lead to the Guild and into Purgatory, but for the past half of fucking _forever_, he'd been stuck in traffic, with this mousey red haired rodent making passes at him.

"You're hands are pretty too."

"Thank you," Sephiroth flinched as the man took one of his hands in his own, inspecting them with careful scrutiny, until his head was forced up against the window by that same hand, which was now around his neck, cutting off the oxygen to his brain. "And if you don't stop talking to me, this hand's going to rip out your spine through your throat." He turned to look at the large eyes of the man sitting very still, plastered to the window. "Don't bother me anymore."

The man nodded, and calm resumed to the cab as they moved another inch, the white haired driver trying to hide his laughing behind a gloved hand.

--------------

Wednesday, 11:34am:

Xemnas had made a few stops before returning through the doorway to Purgatory in the back of a flower shop, which dropped him into the lengthy hallway of flying doors in the Guild, and as he dodged the usual crowds that got in his way, he clutched the two brown bags against his chest protectively as he skittered between droves of people towards the large double doors at the end of the hall.

After a bit of a scuffle with an old woman and a shopping cart filled with bulimic puppies, Xemnas managed to make his way to his apartment, dodging quickly out of the way as another piece of furniture hurtled over his head and out into the street. Seems the Green's were at it again, and this time the lawn chairs were the victims.

Stepping over a child riffling through the scattered objects on the ground, the silver haired Nobody took the stairs in two's, wanting to pass by Lucas' room before he could catch him-for some reason or another, the man had been talking to him recently-but as he slunk his way around the creaky floor boards of the 4th floor, something jumped on his back and he let out an uncharacteristically girly shriek.

"My, my, did I scare you?" Came the silky voice as it brushed over his ears, boney hands clinging to the backs of his shoulders possessively. "It's completely your fault for leaving yourself so wide open."

"Good afternoon Lucas."

"Good afternoon Xemnas." Xemnas wasn't going to ask the man how he knew his name. The man knew everyone's name, somehow, without asking any of them.

"And what've you got there hm?" Lucas' be-specked hawk-like face appeared over his left shoulder, dark hair sliding into his eyes as he peered into the bag Xemnas was carrying. The golden eyed man breathed a sigh of relief, glad that he'd chosen to look into that bag instead of the other one, as the copy of _The Idiots Guide to Homosexual Intercourse_ was sitting in there along with a jar of cherries, whipped cream, and a few other items. However, he was very annoyed at having people poking around in his stuff, and sidled away from the scientist, who flailed his arms a bit but caught his balance, sending him an eerie smile.

"You're making Cheesecake, aren't you?"

"Yes I am, and you're more than welcome to have some when I finish making it." Very few people knew this, but Xemnas was an excellent dessert chef. Of course, give him a recipe for Keish and he'd be lost.

"Aaaaah, I do so love Cheesecake," Lucas cooed, clasping his hands, giggling madly. "I simply must be the first to try it!"

"Of course you will. You'll be the first on my list."

"And since you're being so nice in letting me sample a bite of that Cheesecake, I simply must offer you a taste of my own concoctions."

"_If you happen to run into Lucas, don't drink, eat, or smell anything he offers you."_ Xemnas decided to heed the excerpt of Sephiroth's words from the third chapter, that the Goddess so graciously dug up for him, and just gave Lucas a curt nod before scrambling his way up the rest of the stairs and slithering into his room, panting nervously as he somehow managed to evade death's grasp yet again.

"They're so cute when they squirm," Lucas mused and was promptly distracted by a noise, which sounded oddly like a gagged scream, coming from his room. "Coming darling! No need to be hasty!"

--------------

Wednesday, 12:45pm:

After becoming increasingly impatient, Sephiroth had just paid the fare, that'd already racked up to somewhere over 30 dollars, and had walked the remainder of the way to the doorway in the back of one of 2nd street's alleys. It seemed like an odd place for the Guild to put a doorway to Purgatory, but it was much better than a few of the other places they'd put doorways-Women's bathrooms, closets, locker rooms, train tracks, that sort of thing.

He'd been in a bit of a fog as he walked the remainder of the way to his apartment and up the stairs, wondering how he was going to practice self control because apparently, as Marluxia had insisted, he had some issues about himself that he wasn't willing to come to terms with. That was, after all, a very absurd claim, as he was an exceptional specimen of discipline, as a pseudo-son of Jenova should be(Happy Belated Mother's day Jenova!), so with that out of his head, he placed one of his deranged smirks on his face as he tried to decide if he wanted to get Marluxia a fuzzy pink collar, or a spiked leather one with a matching leash.

The man had decided, as he'd come to his door, fought for a while to open it, and shuffled his way through, that he would get a combination of both collars and would go pick it up later that day after he'd had a shower.

Wait, no…rewind, pause…play….rewind, pause, play-Fuck. His eyes _weren't_ broken.

He hadn't expected to find Xemnas home…on the couch…reading a book…in a bathrobe. His brain, damn the thing, studied the lightly patterned sheer red fabric clinging to Xemnas' figure, a sign that he'd just taken a shower and hadn't bothered to dry off completely, also indicated by his dampened hair, now a steel gray tone from its natural ashen hue. A pair of simple black rimmed reading glasses were perched just near the end of his narrow nose, and at this angle, as golden eyes flicked over words, taking each sentence with a level of absorbed patience, he noted just how long and thick his lashes were. Any woman would die for eyelashes like those.

Sephiroth breathed…a lot, as the blood threatened to leave his head and gallop elsewhere. _Self control…Self control_. "Xemnas, I wasn't expecting to see you home so early." _Goddamnit!_

The silver haired Nobody, curled neatly against the arm of the couch, looked up from his copy of _A Dirty Job_(1), and stared at him with a bit of bewilderment, obviously, not expecting the man to be home so soon either. Xemnas' plan, after he'd taken a shower, was to read at least a few chapters of this book he'd picked up on his outing, before reading his _other_ book he'd found in the same creaky bookstore. It had something to do with this recently widowed man becoming Death, and it seemed entirely too irresistible to him to not pick up.

After his run in with Lucas, he seriously needed that shower, but unfortunately, he forgot that today was laundry day, so he was forced to wear this thin robe he'd dug up at a thrift store until their landlord returned from the Laundromat. It was about a size too large for him; the ends ghosting over his knees, the sleeves kept sliding off his shoulders, and it'd smelled like a thousand cats before he washed it eight times. He'd fixed the sliding issue by tying the sash up high nearly twelve times about himself, and although his remedy hadn't worked, at least it didn't fall completely off him now.

Shaking himself suddenly, as he realized he'd been staring, Xemnas gave him an unreadable smile, nodding his head a touch. "They let me off early today," he sighed, marking the page before he closed the book and let it fall against his stomach. He frowned at length, studying the man for a moment before raising an eyebrow. "You haven't eaten have you?"

"Ah…no," Sephiroth responded slowly, closing the door behind him, locking it...it took a while…and slipped out of his jacket. Xemnas eyed his back, noting that his white collared shirt had also shrunken; the same load that his uniform had been in that Luxord screwed with, somehow. He worked his jaw a bit as he traced the movements of Sephiroth's arms, his shoulder blades and the various muscles shifting about in his back, pressing defiantly against the fabric. "I haven't had anything since this morning. Why are you asking?"

"Well, I was going to make lunch for myself, but I suppose I can leave you the crumbs."

"How thoughtful of you," Sephiroth muttered, mood killed again by Xemnas' damn mouth. Maybe this self-control thing wouldn't be too hard after all. (Lawl, right.)

"That's what I do best," Xemnas replied at length, tearing his eyes away from picking apart Sephiroth's body before his mind drifted into La La Land. Rising very gracefully to his feet (he'd been practicing, because every time he'd done it, he'd tripped over his feet and fallen over), sliding the glasses from his face and tossed them onto the low coffee table, he slithered his way lazily into the kitchen scratching at his hair. "I'm having ice cream."

"And?"

"And what?" Xemnas called out from the cove, staring hypnotically into one of the drawers, trying to figure out where all the utensils ran off to. "I'm having ice cream. Period."

"Ice cream alone doesn't count as lunch Xemnas."

"Where are the god_damn _spoons? I just _washed_ them all!"

"They're over hereidiot," Sephiroth sighed, making his way to a drawer below the sink, yanked it open sharply as it'd become rather sticky, and handed his 6 year old a black handled spoon.

"Why'd you move the silverware!?" Xemnas snapped, snatching the utensil from the man and scowled up at him. "Stop moving everything around!"

"Because I live here, _mother_. I don't think I need your consent to move things in _my _apartment."

"You mean _our _apartment," Xemnas corrected, sliding purposefully around the man, and dug around in the brown paper bags for his quart of vanilla ice cream. "Actually no, it should be mine because I'm the only one who does any of the cleaning around here."

"And must I remind you that I'm the only one who does any of the cooking?" Sephiroth tugged off his tie, tossing it onto the counter as he rolled up his sleeves and begun his fight with the faucet knobs.

"Jiggle it a little. I think it's getting rusted," Xemnas offered, watching him shake it a bit. "And please, I don't need _you _to make my meals. I'm quite capable of feeding myself thank you." He cringed as the man broke off the knob, staring at it then gave Xemnas a blank look. "What? That was all you," he said, raising his hand and worked at the lid of his treat.

"You said jiggle it."

"I didn't say rip the damn thing off now did I?" Xemnas slid around him, thinking the space had become smaller with Sephiroth and his _ego_ taking up all the oxygen, and perched himself atop the counter between the refrigerator, to his left, and the angry man with a faucet handle, to his right.

Sephiroth grumbled a little, raising the knob in one hand and waved it in the air before tossing it to the floor. "You're fixing this."

"Why me? I didn't do anything," he said irritably, placing the carton's lid on the counter beside him, and carved at a section of vanilla rock. "It's not my fault, Hulk."

"Well, since you insist that half this apartment is yours, you can pay for this half of it." He frowned. "And get your ass off the counter; I have to make food there."

"Oh stop your bitching. My ass is so clean you could eat off it."

"Is that so?" Sephiroth was staring into the all empowering light of the refrigerator, hypnotized by the over-zealous amount of organization in the thing. Which reminded him. "Why the hell do you organize my food?"

"What?"

"My food, you keep organizing it in the way the food pyramid's set up. Why do you keep doing that?"

"Because you keep moving the silverware around." Xemnas sucked at the ice cream covered spoon, not going to admit to his mind that yes, indeed, he was mildly obsessive compulsive.

"Well stop it. It's weird."

"The way you polish your sword is weird, and I don't tell you to stop."

That was random. Where the hell had that come from? "What _about_ the way I polish my sword." Said sword polisher extraordinaire was currently staring with a disturbing amount of focus as the golden eyed man stared back at him for a moment before raising the second scoop of ice cream to his lips, his already sweet slickened lips, before he looked off for a moment as he licked along the side of the spoon in thought.

"I dunno, it's like your stroking a lover with the way you rub at that thing," Xemnas twitched an eye a bit, remembering that odd smile he'd always had on his face as he ran the cloth up and down it's length, up and down, lovingly, carefully, delicately. He squirmed a bit as the phallic sword ran evil circles about in his head, teasing parts of his mind and body that he wanted not to be teased with its cold pointy end. "It's so...well, simply put, it seems like your trying to compensate for something, keeping that thing around. I would think you were tall enough to hold your own, but perhaps I shouldn't judge a book by its cover."

Sephiroth wasn't paying attention. He wasn't caring about the word thingies coming out of the man's mouth anymore, and rather, what had yet to enter into it. He'd been rubbing the top of his lip with the end of the spoon, smearing a thin skin of vanilla sweetness over his lightly darkened lips, creating an alluring contrast that was sending him into convulsive fits.

The green-blue eyed man watched, mouth parted slightly, as Xemnas eventually slid the spoon into his mouth, still staring at the other side of the wall, long lashes hovering over amber orbs as he slid the handle, slowly, in and out of his mouth as he licked at the chilled bit still clinging for all its life to the spoon as it was tormented into a death by erosion.

Head light from the buzz he'd received this afternoon at work, and also because this little shit was very obviously toying with him, Sephiroth very irritably let the door to the light of god close with a crisp snapping sound, slid over in front of Xemnas and slammed his left hand beside his silver head against the cupboard, eye twitching, and suppressed a growl as he breathed unevenly.

"Stop that."

Xemnas eyed him for a moment, smirk hidden behind the spoon still stuck in his mouth which he very slowly slid from his mouth, inclining his head a bit as he stared into those maddeningly magnetic mako eyes of his, letting the thing slip out, finally, with a soft sucking sound before he raised his eyebrows innocently, though his eyes said _Beware! I am crafty!_

"Stop what? Making cracks about your manhood?"

"No. You know what I mean. Now stop it."

"Really, I have no idea what you're talking about," Xemnas rolled his eyes, digging the spoon back into the carton, jabbing around at the ice cream before coming up with another bit sized mouthful of lust, which, much to his irritation, was stopped from completing its path to his mouth by a strong hand about his wrist. He winced, realizing that this was probably Sephiroth's main sword hand that was cracking his bones, but kept his eyes focused firmly on the pools of crazy hovering before him.

"No, I think you do know what I mean."

"Sephiroth," Xemnas began, lolling his head to one side, pushing a sliding sleeve up his shoulder with his free hand, giving him a reprimanding look. "I may be dizzyingly clever, but I am not telepathic. You're going to have to be more specific."

Narrowing his eyes, the swords man yanked his hand forward, sucking the spoon into his mouth and, magically, the ice cream disappeared when he brought it out a few seconds later. Xemnas stared. Had he even swallowed it? But as he noted, with much pain, he had, and now he was licking the remaining skin of white liquid from the spoon, along the rim of its head, up its back and down along the curve of the handle to catch a drop that was making its escape. Xemnas tried not to breath, as a sweet covered tongue came dangerously close to licking over the tip of his thumb, because he knew he'd hyperventilate, so not breathing all together was safest. After he was done molesting the spoon, Sephiroth licked a corner of his mouth, noting the constipated look on Xemnas' face and suppressed the makings of a wicked smile.

"Stop doing _that. _Stop playing with your food and eat it. What are you, 3?"

"Goddamnit! Did I say you could have any?! _No_, I said you could have the _crumbs!_"

"But you did offer me lunch, didn't you?"

"Fine, smart ass." _Two can play this game._

Eyes trained on the man before him, Xemnas jammed the head of the spoon back into the carton, working it around until he came up with a large gob of it, set the carton to one side and licked off the top of the mound with as much suggestion as he could muster and not look like a complete fool. Looking to be on the verge of a villain sized hissy fit- because he was doing it _again, _that thing with his _tongue-_Sephiroth reached out to snatch the spoon from him, but it shot out of his grasp, and he was pushed away by a foot on his chest while the other slapped onto his face.

Xemnas held the man at bay with his feet as he slowly eroded the chilled treat in his mouth, twitching a bit as brain freeze attacked him, really wishing he hadn't taken such a large bite, before slipping the spoon back out of his mouth and tossed it to one side, just around the time Sephiroth grabbed a knife and was about to stab his calf.

Drawing his knees to his body sharply as the metallic ring of blade and air collided, he craned his head away as the blade sank into the wood cabinet on the left side of his head. Xemnas took that moment, now that there was angry and distraction in his eyes, to grab Sephiroth's face and force his lips to his, slipping his tongue, ice cream and all, past his teeth and into his mouth.

Like any good reflex, when something is shoved into your mouth, the tongue tends to react and intercept it before it can reach the uvula and trigger the gag reflex. Sephiroth's tongue, smart thingy that it was, did just that, and an involuntary seizure clawed up his spine at the cold sweetness that greeted him. A muffled sound left his throat as he pushed against the slick object, tossing it back into Xemnas mouth who, after a moment, realized that he was going to choke on it and slipped his tongue along its surface before pressing it against the swordsman's tongue.

Despite the level of weird that this was, Sephiroth found himself enamored with the sensation, not that he'd verbally admit it, but as he found his hold on the knife handle slipping, off and down to gently grip the side of Xemnas' jaw with the tips of his thumb and middle two fingers, he was aware that he was being pushed away from the counter as the robed man slid off onto the tiled floor. He was calming now, coming down from Kill-Happy, as tanned hands cautiously, as they should be, began kneading away the tension in his arms.

It was probably the best tasting brain freeze either of them had ever experienced, and as they fought with each other for dominance, offering the steadily crumbling orb between each other, at some point the thing vanished and left in its wake the numbed chill of a thing akin to lust. Sephiroth wasn't sure if the taste of vanilla was coming from Xemnas himself, or the recently deported bit of ice cream, but as the remnants of the creamy immigrant bled from the corners of their mouths, sliding over the contours of lips and chasing a path along the upturned neck of a dark skinned man, he decided that he would find out for himself.

At length, because he was forgetting how to breathe through his nose, Xemnas pulled away, gasping heavily and stared up at the lighter man through drooping eyelashes, swatting away the butterflies in his stomach as he leaned up to lick a trail of white escaping from the corner of the man's mouth, pulling away slowly, lips lingering as he breathed in the taste of sugar and hints of something alcoholic.

"Like I said, you can only have the crumbs." That sentence had taken all of his dead brain cells to form.

Feeling significantly impaired by the tugging at his abdomen, Sephiroth raised his eyebrow slowly before leaning in and sharply pulled back Xemnas' head by his hair, a pleasant feeling worming about inside him as he received a startled gasp, before he hungrily licked at the trail of white smeared along his neck, starting at his lips, his jaw, down along the tendon in his neck, grazing his teeth along his Adam's apple, down to lap at the small pool that'd collected in the basin of the junction of his collarbones.

Digging the fingers of one hand into his shoulder as it wrapped about his neck, groaning airily, Xemnas bent his head back as much as it would allow, giving the man greater access to a sensitive spot at the base of his neck he hadn't known of, threading the fingers of his other hand through the hair above the swordsman's ear, slowly closing his fingers around the strands and pulling lightly on them as he shivered pleasantly. He had to remember, even if he was now, mildly hot and bothered, this was still Sephiroth, the sociopath, and he didn't want to push him over the deep end by pulling his hair out.

Pulling Xemnas upright as he stepped away from the counter, releasing his hold on his hair, he caught him as he flailed a little from the sudden movement. Narrowing his eyes impishly, Sephiroth smacked his lips softly, smirking a bit as he trailed his fingers over the other's hips, splaying a bit, before forcing his body possessively against his own. He quirked his mouth as he watched him squirm, obviously uncomfortable at having his now noticeable erection suffocated against a wall of other man.

"So, now that I've had my crumbs, do I get dessert?"

"Greedy, aren't you?" Xemnas snickered, or tried to at least. It sounded a little drunken, and he was fidgeting, getting distracted by the silver haired sociopath's other brain jabbing into his abdomen.

"Only when it's vanilla smothered chocolate ice cream."

A wide, perverse sort of grin spread its way over Xemnas' face, which Sephiroth took as a good sign that he'd get his cake and eat it too, and slid his fingers along his pelvic bone as it pressed against his skin, down to the base of the man's spine, and down to press his fingers against the flesh of his ass through the fabric of his robe. He pausedto catch his lips, wanting to milk the vanilla out of them, before squeezing his left cheek, dodging quickly out of the way suddenly as Xemnas made to bite down on his lips.

"What was _that_ for?"

"Don't squeeze my ass. I'm not your whore."

"But what else is your ass good for?" And he promptly leaned very far away as Xemnas had very fluidly dislodged the knife from the cabinet door and tickled his throat with the blade. "Fine. No ass squeezing."

"Good boy," Xemnas smirked, tossing the knife into the sink before looping his arms about his neck, rising up on his toes, nibbling lightly at his chin as he rocked into him. "Now carry me."

Amused, Sephiroth slipped his hands lower on his backside and lifted him effortlessly, allowing the dark skinned man to wrap his legs loosely about his waist before sauntering out of the kitchen, picking his way around a few stacks of papers and a stray cannonball, before eventually finding the door to the bedroom. He looked behind himself for a moment, wishing he'd reinstalled the doors he'd ripped off, before dropping Xemnas onto his back on the brass bed which shifted threateningly for a moment before settling back into silence.

Without giving himself any more time to realize his actions and jump out the window again, as the demon in his pants had effectively stolen the blood from his head, he crushed vanilla tinted lips to his own, ignoring the squirming man until muffled noises turned to muffled words and he pulled away, watch Xemnas pull a face as he dug under his back and produced a black painted piece of wood.

Xemnas raised an eyebrow. "Is this foreshadowing something?"

"It's a piece of a chair that used to be in this room," he responded coolly, taking the block and tossing it over his shoulder, uninterested.

"What happened to it?"

"Acid."

"Acid?"

"Yes."

"….Lucas, right?"

"Yes. Stop talking." His only response to his demand, aside from a cheeky grin, was a pair of tanned hands working at the suddenly cumbersome buttons on his shirt, his legs tightening for a moment about the swordsman's waist before Xemnas flipped him over onto his back. Sephiroth watched the Nobody looming over him, face eerily concentrated as he tugged at his shirt, eventually grumbling loudly and just slid it up over his head and tossed it to some corner of the room.

"Impatient, aren't we?"

"If you'd just buy snap button shirts I wouldn't be," he said curtly between the kisses he placed upon the creamy skin of his chest. Sculpted muscle, yet smoothly polished, that was how this man was built, just as he'd thought. Placing a hand on his stomach, fingers slipping beneath the waistline of his pants to tease the heated skin beneath, Xemnas flicked his tongue over a pale pink nub, earning a low strangled gasp from the man, almost as if he didn't want to be heard.

As he struggled to hold his breathing at an even pace, twisting beneath him as Xemnas fingers treaded lower inside his pants, the thought came to him that he was very uncomfortable, and, with a frown, his hands rose to grasp the male's shoulders a top him and flipped him over onto his back, towering above him. There he was happy now.

Bending down to suck a hole in his neck, pinning tanned hands at the sides of his silver head, he didn't notice Xemnas' disgruntled look as he glared daggers into the ceiling before the green eyed man found himself on his back again, once more, beneath Xemnas. Scowling, he pushed the man off him to one side, and toke his place atop him, straddling his hips with his hands on his shoulders as he blew a strand of hair from his face.

"Listen, you might've been on the top of the food chain while you were alive, but your not having that luxury with me," Xemnas snorted, grabbing a hand full of the man's hair and pulled him to one side, taking his place as Superior on top of his chest as his prey clawed at his thighs.

"And I don't know if you know, that even if I am dead, I submit to no one." And thus Xemnas found himself on bottom again, squirming angrily as the man tugged the sash of his robe from his body, bound his wrists, and tied them to the brass rods of the headboard. Sitting back on the man's hips, hands beneath his armpits, Sephiroth smiled triumphantly down at Xemnas, but somehow the world shifted very quickly and he found himself smiling up at Xemnas, legs still around the golden eyed man's waist.

The smile died, because Sephiroth, as well as any other good yaoi author, knows that two semes do not make a uke. "This isn't going to work."

"I know," Xemnas grumbled, letting his head fall against his pale chest, straining against the fabric binding his hands to the headboard. Sephiroth twisted beneath him as teeth began nibbling at his chest, eyeing the ceiling for a moment before placing a hand to Xemnas' chest and pushed him up till he could focus on his haze darkened eyes.

"Rock, paper, scissors."

"What?"

"Rock, paper, scissors, best two out of three."

"…You're kidding…right?"

"Do you have a better idea?"

Xemnas fell silent for a moment, looking to be considering the proposal, when he was really just trying to think of another game he could use with this man that he knew he could win at. He winced though, as the heat between his legs demanded his attention once more, and he nodded slowly, waiting for Sephiroth to untie him before skittering off his hips and to one side of the bed.

Just because she'd rather see Xemnas take it, despite the fact that he was a professional Rock, Paper, Scissor athlete, the Goddess let Sephiroth win.

"You little shit!"

What? I always abuse my favorite characters.

"I'm not your favorite?"

Of course you are Seph, I just want to watch Xemnas squirm first-

"Wait…your going to watch us?"

Dude, I'm writing this story, I sorta can't help it.

Sephiroth grinned. "The Goddess is a voyeur."

Yeah, myself and the readers included.

"_There's more people?!_"

"If you don't stop yelling in italics I'm locking you outside and going to bed!"

"Fine."

And thus, the story resumed where it left off…wait…where were we? Oh yes! Bishie sex.

After having a five minute battle of epic proportions with an unyielding zipper, Sephiroth managed to twist his way out of his pants and boxers and took his _rightful _place atop his prize. Xemnas was looking very irritable at the moment, but a few well placed kisses had him purring like a cougar again. Slipping his tongue past his lips once more, he found that even though Xemnas had lost, he was not about to allow himself to submit to him fully, so he had to concentrate his attention on taming the erratic muscle trying to work its way down his throat. As soon as he could get his multi-tasking functions going again, Sephiroth trailed a hand along the man's sides, digging into the flesh as he reached his hips, his thighs, until curling his fingers beneath his knee, pulling his leg up and about his waist-

"No." Xemnas had pulled out of his kiss, hands relaxing their hold on his neck and shoulders as he stared blankly up at him. At any other time, if he'd had the capacity to tell an apple from a fig tree, he would've cracked up at the exaggeratedly confused look on Sephiroth's face.

"No?" The swordsman raised an eyebrow. "You mean 'yes' right?"

"Neh?" Xemnas was very confused, because currently, there was no blood in his head. He had to implement the scientific method just to figure out what he'd meant. "No, I meant no, as in, don't take me dry."

"Dry?"

"Yes, dry, I'm not a woman Sephiroth," Xemnas rolled his eyes. "Last I checked, I didn't secrete fluids from parts of my body that shouldn't be secreting fluids."

"Well, you know, we could remedy that-"

"_No!_"

"Fine," he grumbled, very much irritated at being re-educated on the functions of the female anatomy. He'd kick him later for it, but for the moment, he looked about himself, trying to figure out if he even owned anything he could remotely call lubricant. He looked down at Xemnas. "I have Olive oil."

"…You're not sticking that in me."

"I have motor oil too-"

"Alright fine!" He didn't want to take bets on whether or not Sephiroth would really stick motor oil in him.

As the warmth of his body left him, Xemnas sat up and wrapped the robe around him, shivering a bit as he watched Sephiroth wander off into some portion of their living space. He was taking an excessively long time getting back too, which was giving Xemnas enough time to get nervous, and after the long haired male had managed to find a minuscule amount of oil left from the last time he'd made spaghetti, he came back and found Xemnas looking to be on the verge of a mental break down.

"What happened?" He looked around, raising one of his feet. "Do I have to kill another mutation again?"

"No…I just…" Xemnas turned away and stared hard at something very interesting in the wall. "I don't know if I want to go all the way now."

"…"

"What?"

"Do you _know _what I had to go through to find this?" Sephiroth raised the bottle, which had about a microscopic amount of oil left in it.

"I know! I know! I just, nneeh, I don't know…It's all rather new to me really."

"And what makes you think I've done this before?"

Xemnas perked a bit at this. "You…haven't?"

"No, before now my tastes were strictly attributed to the fairer sex," he sighed, taking a seat beside him and pulled the robed man's back against his chest, lathering his neck and shoulder with an array of kisses. Letting his eyes fall closed, Xemnas digested this bit of information, feeling a bit relieved that he wasn't the only inexperienced one here, well, no, not if he didn't count the man's escapades with women. Xemnas, while he was still once a member of the human race and a scientist, hadn't let the thought of women enter his analytical head, and not especially after getting his heart sucked out through his nose.

Still off in his thoughts, he jumped a bit as the man snaked a hand around, slick with the scent of Italy, and grasped his length, squeezing him pointedly till a chocked sob worked its way from Xemnas, knuckles bleached white as he dug his fingers into the sheets beside him. God it felt good, _damn good, _it felt significantly better because it wasn't his hand doing the talking, stroking him, brushing fingers over the places only _his _fingers had ever touched, and he was going to _die,_ because it was so damn _good._

The evil hand remained there for a moment, teasing him with the tips of his fingers, not allowing for any other contact but the curious pressure of a digit over the head of his length, sending convulsive shivers and moans through him as a fingernail scraped lightly against the weeping slit, then down to trace the vein along it. Xemnas made an irritated noise, and Sephiroth smiled, because he was screwing with him and the other male had finally picked up on it. Leaning down a mite, he licked at his ear, grinning as he nearly leapt out of his skin and slid his free hand up his spine. "Lie on your stomach."

"Neh?" What was he saying? Did he actually expect him to process commands at the moment? Xemnas took a considerably long time reforming those words together, and after he was done with that, snorted disdainfully. "No, I don't want to move."

"Do it or I'll rip it off." Sephiroth growled warningly, tightening his hold about Xemnas until the man began squirming from the uncomfortable pressure. He managed to bite back a very unbecoming squeal of pain, sending his aggravation to the man behind him as he ground his teeth.

"Fine." He had the advantage this time. Xemnas wasn't interested in being castrated any time soon. Fairly displeased, but not intent on defying him, he relaxed his fear tensed body as the man released his hold on his cock and slithered his way onto his stomach in the center of the bed, shifting marginally as the man lay atop him, grunting as he found his weight uncomfortable.

"God you need to lose weight."

"It's all muscle…unlike yours is."

"Right, so I'm not in shape unless I'm built like a weightlifter," Xemnas grumbled irritably, calming marginally as the man looming over him licked lightly between his shoulders, biting down and managed to catch another sensitive spot near the center of his shoulder blades, granting him another heady groan. As he was distracted, Sephiroth took that time to trail his oil slickened middle finger down along Xemnas' spine, the man arching his back away from the digit as it caught nerves, down to slide over the base of his spine, slipping between the crack of his ass to tease the tight ring of muscles-

"_What the __**hell**__ do you think you're __**fingering**__ you goddamn son of a bitch?!_"

"Damn, you're awfully loud for a uke," Sephiroth observed, resting his chin over the male's shoulder, unmoving, as Xemnas had shot a hand back to grab hold of one of his testicles and seemed to be threatening to rip it off if the wandering finger so much as twitched. If middle ground wasn't found soon, the course of this fic will be changing in a drastically epic way, and the Fuss is certain that the readers do _not _want to read about a Sephy eunuch.

Sighing patiently, Sephiroth pressed a kiss to the man's ear, nosing at the tendrils of hair clinging to his neck. The smell of soap still clung unobtrusively to him. "Listen to me Xemnas-No, shut up. I'm serious…I will respect your word, and it is because of this that I'm resisting the urge to screw you senseless."

"My, how thoughtful of you," Xemnas rolled his eyes, but his voice had lost its bite as he was finding it increasingly more difficult to lay on his stomach with his erection sending signals of suffocation to his brain. At length, twisting a bit as the pale man began rubbing gently at his entrance once more, finding the sensation unusually…pleasurable…he rose up on his elbows turned his head a bit, biting back a moan and fisted a hand in the sheets beside him. "This won't…hurt…will it?"

"Nothing is without its share of pain," was his muffled response from somewhere at the nape of his neck, the man shivering beneath him, catching the tail end of a moan as he grazed his teeth over the skin. Look at that, another sensitive spot. "Do you trust me?"

"I…" There was a heavy pause, and the emptiness in his being, where a heart should be pumping his veins with life, filling his ears with its presence, was not present…it had never been present, and as this fact set in, the silver haired Nobody dropped his head a touch. "I don't know…how to answer that."

"I see." He hadn't expected that answer. It puzzled him how genuinely confused by the question the other had seemed, which worried him for about three seconds before it was banished, and finally slipped the snaking digit within the man, pausing for a moment as he tightened uncomfortably around him. The muscles of the back beneath him tensed considerably, and as he watched Xemnas claw at the sheets, shivering oddly, he was certain the man had stopped breathing…and he had actually, now that he noticed it.

"Xemnas, if you don't relax, you're going to hurt yourself."

"Ngh! Hah…s'easy for...for you to say!" Even with lubricant this was fucking _painful!_ How the hell did men find this pleasurable?! He really should've asked him to explain what sort of pain this was, because burning sensations were not high on his list of pain he was willing to take. Xemnas was caught between weighing his chances of playing possum to get out of this, or knocking the other man out when said man decided to distract him, once more, with his damn evil finger, moving, _again,_ slowly, _agonizingly slow_, drawing out of him, just a fraction from leaving his body, before pressing its way back into the confines of his being.

After much rationalization with his body, who was insisting that this whole thing was very _backwards_ and unusual from what the anatomy books had taught it, Xemnas found the sensation suddenly comforting, hypnotically intoxicating, yet still insanely uncomfortable, and as he forced himself to relax, face turned to one side, he found himself hating the man because of his agonizingly slow pace. Hips shifting gently, in time to the ludicrously lengthy digit's ministrations, he noticed that a series of unintelligible moans attempting to be words were stringing out of him like spaghetti O's from a can, begging, no, _pleading_ the man to give him more-harder, faster.

Of course, Sephiroth couldn't resist begging (it was the one thing he missed about being alive, among other things), but he wasn't about to reward him completely and although he did increase his pace, he also fell back to the achingly slow rhythm he'd gotten into, before switching to the more forceful, demanding, quickened pace. It did what he wanted it too, and before long he had Xemnas moaning and thrashing like a school girl.

"I resent that…"

Okay fine…He had Xemnas moaning and thrashing like a whore.

"Because that's _any _better than before."

The Goddess rolled her eyes, pressed Backspace a few times to rewrite…He had Xemnas moaning and thrashing like a gutted fish.

"…"

Are you going to stop interrupting the story and let me finish writing this lemon now Xemnas?

Xemnas grumbled and the story resumed, once more, hopefully, to be uninterrupted.

Thankfully, Sephiroth had this uncanny way of blocking out 4th wall intrusions while under immense concentration, and as he worked his way around inside Xemnas, searchingly, he eventually connected with a collection of nerves that sent the man into the white light for a moment before he came back down shaking unhealthily, fingers draining slowly of blood as he clung to the sheets, muffling the sounds of desperate wailing with a handful of the fabric to his mouth.

Xemnas, on the other hand, or rather, the other finger, was under the impression that he was going to die, again, somehow, because this wasn't a feeling he could process, this wasn't something that he could channel into something solid, something with which to anchor himself to. Perhaps that was why he clung to him, reaching blindly and caught a handful of hair, crushing his face against the thing he vaguely reasoned was the face of a man looming over his shoulder, no, not just a man, _his _man, the man driving into his nonexistence with his tangibility, adding substance to him, giving him form by throwing him repeatedly into a vat of confusion by his hair.

Without really realizing it, he'd fainted briefly as he came with a searing sort of scream, a scream he couldn't hear, because it didn't sound like his voice. No, this scream was not from the voice of a leader, not of the tenacious Nobody that refused to die quietly, but more of one lost in a sea of soup known as emotion. It was a cry of sorrow, anguish, pain, pleasure-a pool of uncategorized emotions binding to form a singular mass of expression.

It was numbing, it was almost comforting, and for a moment, he swore he'd suffered brain damage as a white light of searing heat tore through him, spilling forth soundlessly pleasant dissonance that petered off into silence before he opened his eyes, looking up through the haze of white before an exceedingly concerned face distinguished itself from the cotton. If he'd had been in a better state of mind, he might laughed at the look of puzzled concern pasted on the swordsman's face. However, it faded to relief as he breathed softly, lips parting for a moment, choosing his words.

"…Is it safe to assume that…you're…well…you _were _a virgin?"

"Hmn?" He didn't get the question…something about virgins and oars. "Hmn." Xemnas nodded languidly. Xemnas blinked sluggishly, raising his head and stared about himself, confused, especially as he found himself in the confines of the man's arms, holding him almost protectively to his chest. He wrinkled his nose. "D'I pass out?" God, slurring, that was _always_ a bad sign.

"You weren't out for long, maybe about a minute or two," Sephiroth responded softly, brushing aside a strand of long white hair tickling his eye. "I'd say that's a personal best for me," he said with a smirk. "I made you come with just one finger…imagine what I could do with my _whole _hand."

Xemnas glared, or tried to…everything was so dreadfully fuzzy. He eventually gave into fatigue and let his head flop lazily against Sephiroth's chest, sniffing lightly, before raising it once more to eye him suspiciously. "Hah long was I out?"

"I told you, a minute or so."

" Y'smell like soap…Took a shower…"

"I'm able to bathe within a reasonable amount of time."

"I bathe reasonably…"

"Yes, you do." He didn't want to kill the man's unusually drunken mood, and left it at that with a gentle kiss to his forehead; Which was why he wasn't going to tell him he'd knocked him over the head after he'd come to the first time, as he wanted to time to deal with his neglected erection in the bathroom, take a shower, and change the sheets as he wanted to sleep next to Xemnas and not in him.

"Xemnas, move over, I need to turn the lights off." His only response was a shifting of movement as the man repositioned himself to stretch further atop his body, arms curling beneath his back as he muttered something about rats hating lighted spaces and candle light vigils. Oddly enough, the growl he was going to send the man to get his ass up died about halfway up his chest and it became a resigned sigh, pale fingers threading through Xemnas' lethal looking spiked hair, twirling the silken ends of one about his finger as he settled in beneath him.

"Fine, have it your way, but if you start bitching about burnt out bulbs I'm cutting out your eye."

Xemnas muttered something about pasta, then his eyes shot open about the same time as he raised his head. Sephiroth watched him get lost in his face, narrowing one of his golden eyes as the other widened to a ridiculously maddening size, before Xemnas twisted himself to reach over to the phone on Sephiroth's side of the bed.

"Xemnas?"

"Mnneh...Mm."

Great. Cave speech. As entertaining as the idea of screwing a Neanderthal was, it certainly didn't make for a very sexy after math.

But then the primate was pulling out a slip of paper from beneath the phone, dialing a number, before he slithered his way off his chest to lay on his stomach beside him, head lolling to one side as the dial tone began lulling him to sleep. Sephiroth was displeased with being ignored, especially when he was being ignored for an unknown reason, and rolled his torso atop Xemnas and began licking at his neck as a voice came through the receiver.

"Luxord?"

Sephiroth stiffened as his Killdar starting ticking. Why was there a man's name rolling off his Xemnas' tongue? Yes, he was now _his_, because even if he hadn't marked him completely, he still had the pleasure of sleeping naked with him, therefore equaling _his._

"Xemnas…Who is this Luxord?"

"Quiet you." Xemnas ignored the distain dripping from the way the swordsman spat out Luxord's name. "Luxord? Yes, what size do you wear?"

Sephiroth twitched.

"Because you're wearing my uniform tomorrow, that's why I want to know….Yes…Yes…No, you can't wear boxers, you have to wear lingerie...Yes, and the garters."

Sephiroth pulled away from Xemna's neck to stare at the phone on the table for a long minute.

"What do you mean you don't believe me?!...Yes!...Yes!...God, why am I even having this conversation, look, do you want to talk to him?"

"No, he doesn't need to talk to me," Sephiroth muttered, sucking at the nape of Xemnas' neck, nipping down mercilessly as he began to squirm beneath him.

"Stop it," he hissed before turning back to the phone. "Yes, Luxord, yes…no, you're just in denial-" Xemnas pulled the phone from his ear and rolled his eyes, ignoring the stream of English babbling coming from the other side. He lolled his head to look back at the green eyed man who now had his head resting on his shoulder again, looking groggily bothered at having this conversation cutting into him molesting Xemnas further.

"Can you talk to him please?"

"Is it a man?"

"Yes-"

"Forget it."

"Gah! Don't hang up! I need those days off."

Pause. "What days off?"

_Shit._ Xemnas smiled.

Sephiroth glared. "What days off, _Xemnas_."

"Just a…nerr…bet.?"

"A bet? On what?"

"Me…getting…laid?" He said that last part very quietly, cringing a little as he waited for the man to throw him out the window. Surprisingly, he didn't seem to be disgruntled about it, rather, his face fell in its distraction as he spaced out before sighing.

"…Wow…No stabbing? You do realize we had a bet going on whether or not you were going to sleep with me tonight."

"Well, I can't very well maim you for something I did myself."

"Wait…wha?"

"Give me the phone." Sephiroth grasped the phone as it fell from Xemnas loose hands, who was staring wide eyed at the lamp on the table like a goose stares up at the sky as it rains.

"Hello." The green eyed man frowned before pulling the phone away from his ear to stare at it, hung it up slowly, and then let his head fall to rest against Xemnas' back.

"Wait, what happened?"

"Dunno. He hung up, whoever he was."

The phone rang again and Xemnas answered, waving his arm a bit as the swordsman tried to snatch it from him. "Hello?"

"_Jesus Mary and Joseph Xemnas what are you doing fucking Hannibal Lector!_"

"What the hell are you going on about now?"

"What's he saying?"

"_Gaaaaaah!! Get the hell out of there he's going to eat you dead Xemnas don't die! Fucking ruuuun! Hide your brains!"_

"Why is he screaming with a British accent?"

"Because he's British…hello? Luxord? Luxord I can't hear you, stop screaming…Please tell me that's not glass breaking-LUXORD!"

"_Xemnas!!"_

"Yes?"

"_Hannibal! Hannibal Lector! Hannibal Fucking Lector!"_

"Yes? What about Hannibal?" Xemnas paused for a moment as there was a string of incomprehensible screaming and then turned to Sephiroth, trying to suppress laughter. "According to him…I'm fucking Hannibal Lector and he fears for the safety of my organs." He sniffed lightly, twisting around beneath the man till he was lying comfortably on his back, leaning in to receive a brief kiss from the swordsman before quirking his mouth to one side. "You don't eat people…do you?"

Sephiroth made a face because Sephiroth didn't know who the hell Hannibal Lector was, not until the Goddess downloaded _Silence of the Lambs _to his brain through a free DSL line and a wicked smile formed on his lips as he slid the phone from Xemnas' hands and, pausing for effect, lowered his voice to a huskier tone before threading out the creepiest, sexiest: "Hello, Luxord."

"…_..H….Hello? Mr. Lector?"_

"Yes, you wished to speak with me?"

"_Don't eat Xemnas, please, you can have a piece of my spleen, but please, don't eat Xemnas. He might be a bitch, but he's the nicest bitch I've ever known, and it would greatly depress me if you ate him."_

"My, you're making a rather steep proposition. I don't know if you know this or not," he paused, eyeing the man beneath him who was trying his best not to be aroused by his Sexy Beast voice and doing a horrible job covering it up. "But he's a rather…_rare delicacy,_" he said slowly, leaning away from the phone for a moment as he dipped his head to nip at a tanned nub, raising his head as Xemnas gasped beneath him, savoring the way his hands quivered as they rose to rest along his neck and shoulder. "A prime cut indeed, fit for a gourmet such as myself-" he paused to trail his tongue along the small valleys and hills sculpting his stomach, pressing his tongue briefly within his navel before nipping gently at the flesh beneath.

"So you must understand, my dear Luxord," he began slowly, huskily as he rose up to loom above Xemnas, watching him try to figure out how to breath as a disappointed moan spilled from his lips, a painful frown cracking his indifferent features. "When I say that I'm going to savor every last drop of this rare feast-"

"_No, wait!"_ But Xemnas couldn't wait, no, not with that look on his face, not with that enamored grin lighting up his empty eyes, and he made it ever apparent as he bent his legs, knees brushing up against the swordsman's sides, and rocked his hips against the other males, digging his fingers into his shoulders as the blood danced back between his legs once more.

There was lots of hyperventilating and praying coming from the man on the other line and the man beneath him, and since he couldn't touch the other man through the line, Sephiroth was going to take the closer of the two.

"Goodnight Luxord, and have a pleasant evening."

"_Waaaaait! Xemna-" _

Click.

_----___

**Mille:** God, I haven't written a lemon in half a century. I feel rusty and out of practice. Anyway, aside from the hot bits, that last bit about Hannibal was taken from an actual phone conversation…it was very creepy…I had to take a shower afterwards. Xx

**Xemnas: **::Does the "Just got laid" dance::

**Sephiroth: **::Does the "I have to wear drag" shuffle::

**Mille: **::Does the "Going to confession" waltz::

**Xemnas: **Wait…aren't you supposed to be a Heathen?

**Mille: **Eh, Heathen or not, I think I still get points for trying. Oo

(1)**A Dirty Job** is the title of a Christopher Moore book I just picked up a few weeks ago. It's about a guy who takes up the job of Death. It's funny as hell, like most of Moore's other books, _Lamb_, being one of my favorites. If you've got time to read fanfics, go hunt down a bookstore and check this guy out.


	8. Chapter 8

**Mille: **Sorry for the stupidly long wait. Been doing cosplay stuff.

**CornCob: **Yeah, _Lamb _gets an A. Christopher Moore is like, the man that inspires my funniness and most of my writing. But lord, brilliant? I wouldn't go that far. Crack sounds more like it.

**Volurin: **Yeah, tried to make the sex realistic. Really, I don't believe in set uke/seme roles. Their nice to have, but one must always remember to be flexible, that's just so much more fun.

**Mix Golden Phoenix: **I know I sent you a message already but I just want to grovel a little more. ::Gives big eyes:: But yes, pulling heart out through ones nose. I believe it can be done, somehow, maybe, not sure…I'll get back to you on that.

**Jewlin-chan: **Don't worry hun, you were missed, but I prayed to the Final Fantasy gods to remind you to review. xDYeah, reading _Lamb _in public. Kinda tricky, but it can be done.

**Kalessin: **Hm, yeah, not sure about that self insert request. Not a real fan of self-inserts. I'll have to drink on it while I wait for you to update your other story (Yeah, I read it. Even if it's doing the following the cut-scenes thing, it's still very interesting and very well written. :3 )

**Aries Draco: **Welcome to the Nut Club dear unofficial lurker. ::gives cookie::

**-:-Warnings-:-** Yay for more brief lemony-limeness. (My roommate's starting to have a bad influence on me.) More OOC, although, after 8 chapters, I'm so not going to be anal about it anymore.

**Disclaimer:** God, this disclaimer thing's starting to get painful.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**We Just Move On**

Or a better title:

_In which Happily Ever After gets nuked to shit._

_----___

**M**orning wood, as Xemnas discovered, was an exceedingly uncomfortable experience for him.

He was laying on his side, curled into a tight ball of nerves, staring at Sephiroth's back with an intensity that would've burned holes in the man if he hadn't possessed such a thick resistance to external damage. It also seemed that sexual stimulation knocked him out quite nicely, or else he might've sensed the presence of eyes on him and stabbed the vulture picking him apart.

Either way, it was a most stressing situation, and Xemnas was seething pools of hatred that this maggoty meathead wasn't suffering along with him.

For whatever reason he refused to just relieve himself with his hand, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he was very horribly out of practice. Actually, why content with a hand when you had a whole _body _lying next to you, but unfortunately, said body was sleeping quite soundly, and goddamnit, if this man had been anyone other than Sephiroth he wouldn't be convulsing in a nervous fit. He wanted to jump him, just screw the silly psychosis out of him, but over the course of their time together he knew the experience would be short lived. The man was a very space conscious individual, and anything that got in his space was to be skewered and roasted, just like that mutated rat that Xemnas had had to get up to kill again this morning.

And Xemnas respected his space because, he as well, was a very space conscious individual, and he let very few people into that space. Aside from the swordsman and Elijah, no one else had had the pleasure of even brushing their shoulder against their leader. It might've had something to do with the obsessive compulsive thing, but since Xemnas was still in denial about it, it was off the table.

But back to the issue at hand, er, sort of.

_I hate you. I hope your dick shrivels up and falls off. _Xemnas hissed viciously at the man, who responded by shifting marginally in his sleep. Squeezing an eye shut, he cringed unpleasantly as a wave of heat shot through him, tugging at his abdomen as his erection refused to be ignored. He had to though, he didn't know quite what to say to it really, and he had a feeling it wouldn't take _Sorry, not today _as a plausible answer. His body had already had a taste of this delicious poison known as lust, and it wanted to make him an addict for as long as it could keep his rational mind knocked out.

Xemnas narrowed his eyes. He wanted to touch him.

Inching a bit closer to him, pausing only to gasp lightly as his needy length brushed against his thigh, sending a static stimulation clawing up his spine, he eyed a spot on the man's ridiculously muscled back, twitching a hand before reaching out and pressing his index finger to lightly warm flesh. He drew it back quickly, as one would do to a sudden burn, and waited for the man to whirl around and stab something blunt into his skull, but it didn't happen, he stayed just as dead as he was two seconds ago.

After a few more prods he'd thoroughly convinced himself to press a hand to his back, fingertips tightening over the top most shoulder blade before relaxing smoothly, allowing a digit to trace the bone from the tip and in towards his spine. His searching's paused for a moment over an odd scar running parallel to the right side of his spine. Frowning as he traced a finger over it, he figured it to be a sensitive spot as the man twisted the shoulder blade nearest to the mark. _Interesting._

Sated with that now, Xemnas moved the finger to the nape of the man's neck, rubbing gently at the down soft hairs, before dragging his finger slowly down along his spine, watching with wild fascination the way the muscles about his spine contracted, back arching away from the nerve teaser, and a sharp hissing intake of breathe sounded from him. As he paused near the base of his spine, Xemnas waited for the slow exhale of breathe before his silver haired partner shifted suddenly onto his back, hand flailing out to land heavily on the Nobody's neck.

Catlike, patient, the golden eyed tormenter waited for Sephiroth to stop twitching his mouth and eyebrows, certain his breathing had evened out again, before worming his crushed hand out from beneath his back. Wiggling his fingers, he shivered lightly as his erection sent a signal to his brain again and growled lightly as his body began to flush with unfamiliar desire once more.

Distraction, he needed a distraction. Well, since he did have about three weeks off from work thanks to that bet, he decided he was going to take any available distracting outlet possible, and at the moment, there was a nice slab of meat next to him he was going to take advantage of.

Grasping the wrist of the hand resting over his neck, Xemnas raised up on his elbow, index finger rubbing at the bone joining his hand and wrist, sniffing lightly as he watched him for movement. Glancing down to a finger, he bent to one and licked it experimentally; No reaction. Running his tongue along another, reaching its tip, he pressed the digit within his mouth and began sucking on it; the silver haired man broke his train of breathing for a moment before settling back again, and the finger in Xemnas' mouth curled up like burning paper. Wicked smirk forming for a moment, the Nobody drew the finger from his mouth to the tip, grasping it between his teeth and bit down on the skin; He let the hand go quickly as a rolling growl sounded from his companion.

From his place at the very edge of the bed, perched on his knees, Xemnas waited for the bear to stop doing the disturbed sleeper dance and settle back under another thicket of slumber. He felt he'd been very close to death again. _Okay, no finger biting. _

Sidling over to him, Xemnas leered down at the sleeping beast with another wave of sudden disgust as he groaned uncomfortably. _Tch. Just look at you. Oblivious to everything and everyone, selfish bastard._ The swordsman lolled his head away from him. _Hey! Hey! Don't you turn away from me damnit, I'm talking to you!_ Xemnas was ignored, again, which brought a rather irate feline noise from the man who, despite his better judgment, straddled the sleeping man's hips and raised a fist to punch him in the ear-Pause.

Golden eyes shifted as they glued to a spot beneath the swordsman's jaw where it connected with his skull, a small expanse of stretched skin, and a rhythmically pulsing vein was being forced to its surface. For whatever reason, and for the fact that the man seemed to have the sensitivity of a robot, Xemnas was certain he didn't have a heart. But there it was, the proof in the pudding, and despite being a dead man, the damn thing was still pumping life through his veins.

Confused as all hell, he pressed two fingers to the spot, feeling an unusually irresistible pull as it pulsed beneath his touch. It was weak and sluggish, as it should be-you know… 'cause he's dead-but the fact that it was there at all was enough to hook his interest. Xemnas flicked his eyes over to the man as his mouth parted slowly, a dulled sigh escaping him, but a reaction nonetheless, and Xemnas ran with it, bending low to run the tip of his tongue over the artery before sucking on it. The Nobody froze as the swordsman shifted his head against his, but it seemed he hadn't woken, and the gentle sigh was a significantly more pleasant sound than the one before.

With his tongue doing the vampire thing, Xemnas trailed his fingers over the rest of his body; over one collarbone, along one side of his chest, brushing a finger over a pale nipple-which was rewarded with a constricted gasp-along his toned stomach, changing course to a hip, having to press down through muscle to get to the bone. The Greeks would've loved this man for all his sculpted anatomy, but it made it rather difficult to screw with him while he slept if his body was the consistency of granite.

Irritated that his side-quest had been pointless-as they usually are-he went to draw his hand away, but as his little finger brushed against a spot on the inside of his hip, Xemnas pulled his head sharply away as the man let out a lilting sort of sound. Worried as hell, as that hadn't sounded _at all_ like his voice, he watched Sephiroth's face fall back into place, mouth closing partially as he got knocked back into some other place again.

_Did _I_ do that?_ Brows furrowed, the dark skinned man bent a finger down and brushed the spot with a nail, receiving another clipped staccato-esque noise. Grinning evilly now, Xemnas tickled a small circle around the area and got himself hypnotized watching the impassive white haired man squirm about like a worm on a hook, which was really entertaining, because this was Sephiroth, and Sephiroth didn't squirm like a worm, maybe a snake, but not a worm. He was going to take full advantage of this because he might not get another opportunity to screw with him.

Needless to say, while his unconscious mind was having a hard time focusing on whatever empty dream he was having, his subconscious was reacting very nicely to Xemnas' ministrations. Said Nobody realized this after something long and hard began stabbing at his stomach, and he paused to stare down at it and wondered how the hell he'd missed Sephiroth's impressive length the night before. _What the fuck __**is**__ that? That's a Gila Monster not a penis. _

But anyway, now he felt better because Sephiroth seemed to be under a similar amount of discomfort that he was, so all was well and good in the world once more. Of course, that also didn't solve the problem either, because now he was getting lightheaded from lack of blood in his brain. Without really thinking about it, and because the _Idiots Guide to Homosexual Intercourse _had given him the suggestion, he slowly stretched out over him, convulsing for a moment as his need ghosted against the other's, before settling his weight slowly, waiting in case a fist punched through his head.

Fidgeting for a moment as he found his balance atop him, Xemnas gave an experimental thrust of his hips, head swimming about as both men let out a harmonious groan. Okay, so, this was going on his list of favorite things to do to sleeping men. Slowly, gently, he roated his hips again, rubbing his throbbing erection against the other's, a stupid grin on his face as his eyes fell closed and a shudder coursed through his abdomen. Oh yes, this was going _very _high on his list of favorite things to do to sleeping men.

When he was able to open his eyes once more, Xemnas abruptly stopped his motions as a pair of bright green eyes bored into him. _Shit. _A startled cry was strangled half way as it left him, and as he made to pull away from the man a hand shot out and clamped around his throat. _ShitShitShitShit!-_Xemnas coughed as he felt his windpipe being crushed, and as a film of water stung at his left eye, he waited for the inevitable neck snapping noise as he struggled.

"Don't-"

_Do that to me ever again you undersexed obnoxious excuse for a-_Xemnas cringed.

"…S-stop."

Wait…that wasn't right…Xemnas was expecting to be pushing up daisies by now, but as he opened one of his eyes, he blinked rapidly as he tried to figure out if the man beneath him hadn't been secretly switched with someone else. The hand at his neck loosened considerably, allowing the Nobody to suck in large quantities of air, and as pale fingers hovered at the side of his neck, he watched a haze descend upon the swordsman's eyes, noting a look he couldn't quite place settle brokenly into his face.

Normally, he would've killed someone who even breathed on him while he slept, and since it'd never happened before, he wasn't sure what he would've done to someone if they'd begun molesting him while he slept. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that his arousal had made off with any semblance of sense left in his head, or that his sword was all the way in the living room, but Sephiroth wasn't compelled to make the trip to get the Masamune and jam it through Xemnas…the thought _had _crossed his mind though.

But he could think about it later. He was hurting now. A thread of stinging heat tugged at his abdomen, drawing a hissing sound from the green eyed man who curled his fingers about his partner's shoulder, attempting to get the muscles in his neck to work as he raised his head up.

"Xe…Xemnas." If you hadn't looked closely, you would've missed the small bit of begging, but for someone who usually misses things all the time, Xemnas had caught it surprisingly. Smiling none too mercifully, he lifted a tanned hip and wiggled it a bit, watching the man tense and shake as he groaned. Shifting into a gentle even rhythm once more, Xemnas hoped to get another odd sound out of the man, but he was back to reserved mode again. It was like he didn't want to relish the sensation and just let himself go, which bothered Xemnas enough to dig into his brain for the notes he'd written in his book.

Leaning down halfway, tips of his hair tickling the swordsman's neck and chest, he waited for the man to notice the distance and rose to close it, waiting for that kiss he was wordlessly awarded. When he came within a hairs breathe of his lips, Xemnas thrust his hips sharply against the others, grinning impishly as the lilting sound came out again. Sephiroth caught it too late and clamped his mouth shut, glaring irritably up at him as his face flushed red.

Raising his eyebrows innocently, Xemnas reached a hand down and lifted a pale hip from the bed, increasing the fervency of his thrusts. Resisting the action was difficult for the man of unshakable _self-control_, but as he'd already lost control of his own actions, thanks to Xemnas, there really wasn't much else left to control. Knowing he'd probably kill him later, Xemnas re-focused his attention on the soft cries and whimpers coming from the man, delighting in the helpless urgency painting the swordsman's face. He sounded absolutely miserable, but then again, Sephiroth never sounded anything but.

Achingly close to orgasm, the swordsman threaded a leg around Xemnas' waist, drawing him closer to grind desperately against him. He could sense the other hovering over him, somewhere, as ragged heated breath and unintelligible moans brushed against his face, but he was too worried about the lack of oxygen getting into his lungs and the tightness in his abdomen to pinpoint him.

Two more thrusts from him was all he could take, and the swordsman came with a throaty wavering gasp, body tensing against the strain, flinching marginally as Xemnas dug his fingers into his hip as he followed suit, a curious beaten animal sort of sound leaving him as he spilled his seed between them. Limbs shaking and deliciously sore, Sephiroth weakly gripped the shoulder of the body collapsed upon him, muttered a string of something before it eventually formed soft words.

"Now…put that mouth of yours to good use…and lick me clean."

As the man atop him shifted, Sephiroth opened his eyes and looked down with a languid smirk, expecting a cheeky grin from Xemnas. His grin died slowly as he was met with the toxic hatred coating the silver haired man's face, noting absently that the wood floors creaked ominously before darkness enveloped him.

--------------

"I appreciate your enthusiasm for punctuality, but this is a bit much, even for you." Marluxia smiled as Sephiroth obviously didn't find the pun funny in the least.

Normally he was used to seeing strange people perched on the steps of _The Salty Dog_, but those were either bums, furries, or the occasional youth that'd become rather taken with him. Sephiroth wasn't categorized in any of these groups, so to see him huddled sullenly on the steps in only a sheet…well, it demanded to be poked fun at.

"So…" The pink haired man shifted his weight, shifting the canvas messenger bag a bit to distract himself from laughing. "Shall I take this as a sign that you've won our bet? Or did I do the right thing bringing this with me," he added at length, raising an ominous baby pink bag up a bit by its handles.

Sephiroth didn't reply, but the look of seething irritation was enough to send a chill down his spine. It tickled actually, because he knew the man wasn't going to kill him since he had his salary by the balls.

Stepping around the man, fishing for the keys, he felt his overwhelming presence settle beside him as he pushed the door open onto the empty establishment. The eerie quiet of the place always bothered him a little; the silent darkness that clung to everything like taffy, but the warmth was what made this space easier to cope with.

As he eyed the Ghost of Christmas Future closing the door and locking it, Marluxia turned and padded through an Employee's Only door, a moment of silence reigning before the space was filled with an unobtrusive light from the overhead lamps. Taking a seat on a barstool, Sephiroth sighed blankly as his boss returned, tossing his bag to one side and selected a glass.

"Something light?" He questioned, watching the man twitch an eye before lolling his head languidly to one side.

"No. Tequila…and a damp cloth."

Marluxia frowned. "That bad?"

"And maybe a gun," he said at length, rolling his right shoulder a mite as he descended into a darker brood. "I think I'll have loads of time now…so I'm going to shoot kittens later."

Twitching his nose as he placed the glass in his hands along with the others, Marluxia's head vanished beneath the counter for a moment, coming up with a bottle of the requested drink and two shot glasses. Placing one before the man, he filled it to the brim and watched him practically inhale the stuff in less than a second, slamming the glass back on the counter and glowered.

The pink haired man sighed, filling a glass of his own and took an economized sip. "I think you and I need to talk."

--------------

He really had to thank the man for being a little shit, because cleaning while angry was an exceptionally satisfying way to release the emotion. In record time, Xemnas had the apartment inhumanly spotless, yet even that small triumph wasn't enough to stave off the soft crunching of his teeth as he ground them together.

Yes, perhaps he'd taken that comment a bit too personally since, after all, Sephiroth wasn't the most affectionate thing, but it still hadn't been enough to stop his mind from forming a portal beneath the man and stalking off towards the bathroom as he was promptly sucked down into it. He didn't know where it would drop him and he really didn't give a fuck, so long as he was no longer in his line of sight he was pleased.

"Oh just look at you, a heartless being getting all bent out of shape over something silly like that," he growled, then growled again as he became irritated with his shivering tensed limbs. He felt suffocated. He needed to go outside, take a walk or something, or better yet, go see about his next job…eh, that might have to wait, especially if he was going to be a Therapist.

Throwing on black pants, a gray turtle neck, and a black blazer, he hopped the rest of the way getting his boots on and whisked through the door. He paused outside for a moment before stalking back inside, shutting and locking all the windows and then abducted the spare key hiding in a crack near the base of the door before locking it. It would give him a significant amount of pleasure to know that Sephiroth wouldn't be able to get in and would have to sit outside naked somewhere.

Padding his way hurriedly down the stairs, ignoring and hissing at any breathing thing that got in his path, he kept on, clomping down the stairs, paying no heed to the unusual commotion coming from the ground floor until he ran headlong into a floor length mirror. When he came to there was a pain in his skull where a shard of glass had wedged between his eyes. He growled irritably at one of the concerned moving men as he crouched over him before pushing himself up and threw the shard at him.

"God_damnit_ watch where you're going shit for brains!"

"Whoa, easy now, at least wait till we're done moving stuff in to bite off heads."

Looking about himself, he stepped reflexively away as a redheaded green eyed man got entirely too close to him all of a sudden. The smell of brimstone and roasted toffee covered peanuts was rolling off the man in waves, and Xemnas didn't even have to look at the tear shaped markings under his eyes to tell it was Axel.

"Tch, of course it'd be you," he muttered. "You're always in my way."

"Aw, now that's just cold. I thought you'd be happy to see me!"

"You killed my Academic."

"Eh…yeah…'bout that." Xemnas watched the porcupine scratch at his temple with a helpless expression, a semi-apologetic open mouthed smile on his face. His demeanor changed quickly as he waved a hand, folding his bony arms over his narrow chest. Xemnas noted that he really shouldn't be wearing a tank top, the same color as his hair, with that bulimic figure of his, and he frowned tiredly as it seemed his pants were having a hard time staying on his hips. _If I hadn't been told otherwise I would've thought he'd just starved to death._

"But what a surprise, never thought I'd catch you around these dull parts. What'cha over for? Visiting friends?"

"I live here."

"Live…you live here? How long?"

"Little over five, six months maybe," Xemnas trailed off, looking to the ceiling, nodding gently before his searching gaze fell dead again. "And your just moving in I see."

"Actually, I've been here for close to a year now," he said with a shallow nod, looking to one side before stepping out of the way of a speaker. Xemnas sniffed a bit, finally noticing that he was on the third floor and peered oddly at Axel.

"You're not the lead singer of this band are you?" _The __lead singer that'll go out with some new thing he picked up off the street. _(Excerpt from Ch. 3 courtesy of the Goddess)

"I am now," he responded, beaming with pride. A mover struggling upstairs got retinal damage as a spark of fire erupted in his face and he fell back down the stairs, shattering the vase and a table he'd been carrying. "The last guy got his nuts ripped off by some jealous chick. Band didn't want to deal with a eunuch, so they replaced him with yours truly. S'too bad though…he's got a lovely singing voice now."

"I'm sure." Xemnas flinched for a moment, knowing all too well that feeling of impending castration before his face evened out. "Who's moving in then?"

"I am!" Raising his eyebrows, he watched a blonde boy wearing trendy layers of clothing tear his way up the stairs, waving frantically till he skidded to a halt before the silver haired man and went unusually quiet. "I'm er…um…th-the new, eh, new gui-guitarist."

"Stop stuttering Number 9. It's unbecoming of a Nobody."

"Sorry sir." Demyx rubbed at a few strands of hair at the nape of his neck staring sheepishly at his red Converse's.

"Aw come on, lighten up on him, eh" Axel chided jokingly, waggling a finger before him. "We're not Nobodies anymore, remember? We're getting our second chance, right kid?"

Xemnas was unamused and he made it evident by narrowing his eyes pointedly. "Last I checked, 8, we died without hearts, therefore, still Nobodies." Turning to Demyx, who was still trying to find that elusive invisible thing hiding at his feet, he rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation.

"Oh please, cut the beaten animal look. I'm going to walk all over you if you don't grow yourself some damn teeth."

Demyx's head shot up at the unusual reprimand, sea green eyes widening as Axel toke a defensive step forward, pausing only when golden eyes bored holes into him and tattooed him to the spot.

"From what I've gathered, seems the music industry is quite ruthless," Xemnas began calmly, folding his arms loosely. "And seeing as you've already had experience with us, I'd suggest you apply that knowledge to this field as well."

The Nocturne gave the man a funny sort of look, something a new puppy might do when it didn't trust its new owner with the blowtorch behind its back as it waved a treat before it, but seeing as Xemnas' hands were in front of him, he had a feeling he wasn't hiding a mallet anywhere. As the realization sank in that the Superior was, for whatever reason, giving him a bit of morale boosting advice, the mulleted boy's face cracked under his bright smile, and before Xemnas could step away from him, found a nice new Demyx accessory attached to his chest, suffocating him in a fierce embrace.

"Thanks a bunch! I'll do my very best!"

Xemnas twitched and made a constipated sound. "Demyx."

"Ack! Sorry, sorry, sorry!" He pulled away sharply, flailing a bit as he realized he'd been sticking his head in the lion's mouth. He was once again thrown off balance when the Superior didn't beat the living tar out of him, but rather waved him off after he'd re-captured his fleeing composure.

"Don't worry about it…just don't do it again."

"Right. Yes. No touchy, touchy bad," Demyx replied with quick nods of his head, stepping briefly out of the way as a guitar case skittered by. "Oh, put that in the living room!-No, the other room…damnit-" And he stamped purposely off to direct traffic in the apartment once more.

Xemnas looked after him with an unreadable expression, mostly painted with fatigue as being around so many of his members-all of like, two-was stressing him a bit. He was still angry from earlier, and being around two of the most carefree people was like nails on chalk-board to him.

"You okay?" Axel said slowly, raising a small thin eyebrow as his leader seemed to be fidgeting with something in his pocket. The mage jumped slightly as his head snapped to him, face falling back to its usual stone.

"I'm fine."

"You sure? There's a vein the size of the Mississippi throbbing in your head."

"I know. It does that from time to time." He reached up and plucked the red animated vein and flung it to one side. "Don't worry about it."

"Well…if you insist," he trailed off, but didn't press the issue. There seemed to be something on the man's mind, and from previous experience, he knew not to stick his nose into it. After all, he was too low on the ranking scale to be nosey anyway, so it didn't surprise him at all that Xemnas was being so curt with him. That and well…the incinerated Vexen thing…yeah…and the getting the whole of Castle Oblivion in such an uproar, yeah, he'd helped out with that too…would make sense why he'd be a bit put off with him.

"Oh good, I was hoping you'd be able to walk by now."

Turning to the English voice, Xemnas glowered a bit as the last thing he wanted to deal with came ambling up the stairs. The blonde gambler had a sheen of sweat on him, and he was panting harshly-looked like he'd ran here from work-and for a moment he bent over his knees, catching his breath before straightening up and gave one final sigh. "And it seems you're still in one piece."

Xemnas raised an eyebrow. "In one piece?"

"Yeah, you know..." Luxord looked around leaning into him a bit. "The thing…"

"The thing…"

"Yeah…the…_cannibal_ thing."

"Eh? Cannibal?"

"Oh he didn't tell you?" Luxord turned to regard Axel, noting with a bit of worry that the man still hadn't taken his advice and gone on that Golden Arches Diet he'd suggested. "Hannibal Lector screwed him silly last night-"

"He does _not _need to know that!" Two pairs of eyes watched their stoic leader shake in his boots with irritation, face bleeding with embarrassment before he calmed some, folding his arms over his chest and looked off haughtily. "Besides, contrary to my beliefs, he doesn't eat people."

"Bugger…that means you guys did it huh." A shadow fell over the blondes face.

"Whaaaa-Wait _you_ did the _nasty?_ Who with? Who with?! Whose the _cannibal?!_"

"Shut _up _Axel!"

"What about a cannibal?" Demyx had come back outside, whipping his hands on a dirtied cloth, a few smudges on his face as he looked from one party to the other.

"Hannibal, Hannibal the Cannibal," Luxord added eerily, raising a finger and pointing up.

"_Nnneeh!?_ There's a _cannibal_ living_ here?!_" Demyx shrieked, dropping the cloth suddenly as his eyes contracted and he began dancing about in place. "Oh man oh man oh man! I'm movin out _now!_-Ack! Put that stereo back in the van! Not staying here!!"

"Will you all _shut up!?_" Xemnas growled and reached out, snagging the water boy by the collar of his shirt, pulled him back, and pushed him through the open door of the apartment. "For the last time Luxord, his name is _not _Hannibal."

"Ooooooo, so it's a _he?_" Axel grinned suggestively.

"But _Xemnas, _he did the Hannibal voice, it was bloody fucking _creepy._" He wasn't going to tell him that it was also bloody fucking sexy too, but his ride had chosen to make his presence known at that time.

"I don't see why you're all so surprised. I knew he was gay all along."

"_Xaldin!!!_"

Aforementioned Xaldin raised his head a touch, peering up at his leader over the tops of his dark glasses. He was wearing The Transporter outfit again and he'd just pulled his hand out from inside his jacket, cracking his knuckles lightly as he ascended the remainder of the stairs and slouched against the railing, eyeing his bristling leader with a thin smile.

"What? You look so surprised…oh, were you planning a coming out party? Damnit, sorry about that."

"I'm not coming out of _anywhere_, because there is nothing to come out _about!_"

"So you admit it then?"

"I admit to _nothing._"

"He's in denial," Luxord whispered to Axel none to quietly, who snickered in response, only to have the gambler hide behind him as their leader fixed him with a venomous glare. It faltered though, and soon, the shadows had settled again and a drained look passed over the silver haired man's face for a moment.

"Xemnas?" Xaldin wasn't an intrusive inquisitor, as he'd learned to be when he'd had the man snap at him at the many times he'd pressed a nerve, but he was an inquisitor none the less. After all, he'd been the first one to know of this rather strange developing relationship, not sure he wanted to call it that though.

"I need a drink," Xemnas said wearily, rubbing at his face and looked off at the ground for a moment. He felt his head begin to fill with all the useless mess from before, and for once, wished the obnoxious bantering of his members had continued. Xaldin frowned as the man reached up to scratch at his head, sizable bits of hair detaching themselves and flaking away from him. _He's stressed out…apparently sex didn't solve this one, Luxord._

The gambler sneezed suddenly, breaking the silence and glared about, trying to decide who was talking about him this time.

"Well…after the move in, the guys and I were gonna go find some club to invade," Axel offered gently, shifting uneasily as he wasn't sure exactly what was going on here.

"Actually, that was why I'd come here," Luxord backed up, going to prolong having to pick up Xemnas' uniform as long as he could. He tried to convince himself that he'd be merciful and not make him wear it, but this was Xemnas he was talking about, and even if he was nice, he was still a bitch. "Found this place Upstairs, the name eludes me at the moment, but it's got a nice clubbish sort of feel to it."

"Do they have alcohol?" Xemnas wasn't into the idea of clubbing. Clubs had people, lots of them, and it was just wrong to send a Nobody into a crowd of Somebodies. Teasing the dog with a bone is frowned upon.

"Yeah, pretty good stuff so I here."

"Bet you its ass expensive," Axel groaned. He probably couldn't even afford a glass of water at one of those places.

"Expensive or not, if they have alcohol, I'll be there," Xemnas muttered.

"Now _that's _what I'm talking about. Gotta do the adventurous thing!" Xemnas had a feeling that Luxord didn't get it, or maybe his idea of adventure _was _seeing if he could drink himself into a bottle. He was British after all. "They play a lot of 80's music, which is why I like it. Can't stand all this new noise they've got around these days-"

"80's?! Who said 80's?! What about 80's?!" It was amazing that even in death, Demyx still had that selective hearing thing going on.

"We're going out tonight kid," Luxord said with a grin, draping his arm over his shoulder as the boy began to dance in place. "And I take it you'll be joining us?"

"You said 80's music, how could I _not!_"

"But you're not having a bit of alcohol."

"Aww, but Xaldi---n."

"No but's, you're still underage, kid."

"Xaldin I'm dead! I'm gonna be stuck this way for, like, ever. Let me live a little!"

"Don't sweat it, I'll spot you," Luxord said, snickering evilly and sending the dred locked man an impish smile. The blue eyed man scowled, rolling his eyes a bit before turning his attention to his still rather distraught looking leader, tilting his head, but tried to keep the concern from his voice. He could never do it though. Even without a heart, it came naturally.

"Xemnas?"

"Hm." The golden eyed man knew what his question was; _Are you feeling well enough to come with us?_ And though he would've thrown a brick at his head for doing the father thing again, he did have to consider the prospect of going with them. He did need the distraction, but he also didn't want to be placed in an unfamiliar atmosphere, especially an intoxicatingly frenzied one. He wasn't a go-out-and-do-shit sort of person, as he preferred the company of himself and maybe a shoebox with a smiley face on it.

Feeling an unsteady silence hanging in the air, noting the various eyes trained upon him, he felt oddly comfortable to be regarded as such; a familiar leaderish comfort. Raising his head marginally, he shifted a bit and looked back up the flight of stairs he'd come from, wondering perhaps, if he just needed a break from his partner's presence in order to sort himself out. He did his best thinking on his own, well, as best as could be expected. He was a scientist after all, and usually his thinking turned to hair brained ideas after a time.

"I'm going to feel old."

"Old?"

"Yes, old," Xemnas repeated, turning back to them and rubbed the tip of a nail at the lobe of his ear, quirking his mouth oddly. "You're dragging me to an 80's club after all, and I don't want to be sober through any part of it."

That was about as close to a _Yes, I'm going damnit_ as they were going to get, and after Demyx flipped out and jumped in a small circle, darting back into the apartment screaming something about hair gel, the atmosphere thinned out once more and each went back to a more loosened stance.

"Well, in that case, gotta speed up this move then," Axel nodded, breaking from the group and took the stairs to the ground floor in two's. He paused at the bottom and yelled up; "How's 9 sound?"

"9's good!" Luxord began, turning to look at Xaldin, who nodded, before confirming the time to the red head. Pushing away from the rail, Xaldin cracked his neck loudly, to which both Luxord and Xemnas cringed a little before the dark haired man turned to his former leader.

"I'll pick you up at 7 then, is that alright?"

"Yes." Xemnas wondered why he'd even asked. He was going to pick him up at 5:30 regardless.

"Good. That should give you enough time."

"Time to do what?"

"Get…dressed?"

"…I'm already dressed."

"Oooo, your not goin like that laddie," Luxord chided him, shaking his head.

"And what's wrong with what I'm wearing," he growled menacingly. He was very miffed because he didn't see anything wrong with his attire. He'd been feeling unhealthily cold lately, and even if this thick turtle neck made it difficult to move about, so long as he didn't loose any more of the warmth he was poor at producing on his own it was fine in his eyes.

"Well, first off, your going to die in all that, second off, the less clothes you wear, the more eyes you attract."

"I don't _want_ to attract anything. We already have a pest problem around here and we don't need any new additions." Luxord made to add something lewd to that when Xemnas rolled his eyes and waved him off, pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose. "Fine, fine, I'll find something else. I probably have some shrunken thing lying around."

"I keep_ telling_ you it wasn't _me!_"

--------------

_These peaches are probably old._

In his time working this place, Marluxia had always requested his employees leave a spare change of clothing. He'd thought it was a silly idea at the time, but Sephiroth hadn't been more pleased with himself that he'd taken his advice and stashed a uniform in a cabinet with dried fruit. Unfortunately, his boss hadn't forgotten about the _fun end _of their bet, and had replaced his uniform with this god awful thing he was wearing now.

Currently, he was trying to decide if the ominous looking peaches floating about in the can were edible enough to put in Sangrea. Well, he'd thought they were peaches, they looked like dates now. He looked at the label, yep, peaches, so then what's with the transmogrification thing? After Marluxia sent him a warning glance to toss them out, as he'd already been going through the motions of picking them out and tossing them in a serving dish, he muttered irritably and let the kitchens garbage disposal kill the things off.

"Such a kill-joy."

"I know, it sucks having a Grade A establishment, but I'd like the food inspectors to keep their hands out of my wallet." Pausing for a moment as he placed a few more glasses into a rack, motioning for one of his workers to take it up front, Marluxia turned to his favorite bartender who was cutting apples at a dizzying pace. It always made him a little nervous watching him, but he figured since he was dead he'd grow his fingers back if they were lopped off. "Have you given any thought to what I said earlier?"

"Bountiful amounts in fact." Which was code for _No, actually, I was too distracted by the prospect of getting to cut things to really give a flying fuck. _The silver haired man paused though as a hand curled about the wrist holding the knife, ceasing his motions and, oddly, he didn't feel compelled to slam the blade into his boss's neck. Might've had something to do with a huge decrease in salary as the consequence.

He grumbled. "Let me handle this my way."

"Hm, alright, I'll be waiting back here for the news of your break up then."

"Tss, there's nothing to break if there wasn't anything there to begin with."

"Such a petulant child you are," Marluxia sighed, rolling his eyes and peered into a bowl of strawberries as a man with blonde hair presented them to him. "They should be fine, but check them again anyway. Listen to me, really," he said, turning back to the man who'd diced three oranges, five apples and a banana in that time. "You're not very good with eloquent words, so you might want to just say as little as possible."

"Anything else you want your one trick monkey to do?"

"Sephiroth."

"I have this most interesting talent of quartering Olives with my feet."

"And I have this most interesting way of making _straight _men squirm."

The swordsman growled and went back to murdering fruit, head bent low and intent on ending this conversation. His patience was having a fit, but to reassure the man so he'd leave him be, he cracked one of his knuckles, tilting his head a mite as he reached for a kiwi. "Give me space then." He had three kiwi's diced and was now working on cutting apples that were needed for a tart. "I can't think with you looming over me."

"Well, I do have that affect on people." And he backed away slowly as the man sent him a venomous look which didn't interrupt his motions of tossing fruit pieces into a bowl. "Alright, fine, I'll stop _looming, _your grace." He needed to find this man more Tequila, he was infinitely more agreeable when he wasn't sober.

--------------

"My teeth are numb, is that okay?"

"Means your buzzed Xemnas, s'fine, dun worry 'bout it."

"Oh, okay…what's that?"

"Think it's a Daiquiri….I dun remember…Did'ya order it?"

"I don't know…Did I? I can't remember."

Luxord and Xemnas were leaning their heads against each other, arms folded and resting against the table as they stared at the drink that'd been placed before them, trying to figure out where it'd come from and who'd coughed up the dough to get it here. They were giving it an excessive amount of scrutiny, when a hand cut into view and removed the drink.

"Oh sweet! Free drinks!" Axel downed the thing thoughtlessly, setting the glass back on the table before working his way back out to the dance floor on the far left of the building. Luxord and Xemnas stared at the empty glass.

"He drank our Daiquiri." Luxord pushed the glass around with a finger.

"He did."

"Right'n front of our faces."

"Bastard."

"…"

"…Whose was it again?"

"I dunno, but Imma get me a B52."

"A who with the what now?"

"B52, want one?"

"No, sounds painful."

"How about water?"

"Water's Demyx's job, I'll get him to get me water."

"M'kay." As Luxord staggered to his feet, he was too alcoholically happy to note the heavy thud of Xemnas' head cracking against the table. Face stinging considerably, but too pleased with his state of mind to throw a chair at him, Xemnas dragged his arms closer to him, turning his face to one side and rested his cotton stuffed head against them as he drifted. He swore he could feel the earth moving as a rising sensation took over his body, and he was just about to doze when a wine glass was placed before him.

Raising his head sluggishly, he peered into the glass, noting that no alcohol was in it, damnit, but there was a small square of sticky notes and a blue ball point pen resting inside. Sticking a finger in, he eyed the topmost note and smiled a bit at the words _Hey stranger_ printed in neater handwriting then he could remember on it…or maybe it was neat handwriting because everything was very neat to him at the moment.

Lolling his head against his shoulder as he leaned against the elbow of his right arm, he stared languidly up at the familiar looking man dressed in a black navy uniform, which made him smile only because said figure was wearing no shirt, sporting a red scarf tied about his neck, and a blazer that just barely fit him. Everything seemed to fit very annoyingly tight on him, which might've had something to do with the fact that he was about six foot something, and the white lines running up the sides of his tight black pants only emphasized the figures height.

After looking him over, toe to head, Xemnas plucked the pen over-exaggeratedly from the empty glass and scrawled a returning message before handing it to the man, who took a considerably long time to read the words _Hey there sailor _before grinning thinly.

Placing the bottle of Chianti on the table along with a second glass, Sephiroth removed the small lamp obstructing his view of Xemnas before taking a seat across from him, filling their glasses with almost deliberate motions as he sniffed lightly. Sliding the pen over to his side of the small table, ripping off the previous note, he wrote: _Peace offering accepted?_ Before sliding the message over to Xemnas who stared intently at it, or tried to, he kept swaying, before removing the pen from his grasp, spending about five minutes writing before sliding the pad back over to him.

_Does peace offering come with sex?_

Raising a thin eyebrow, Sephiroth smirked and began composing a small novelette before sliding the note back over to him.

_It can be arranged._

He watched a ghost of a smile shadow Xemnas' face, noting that he really liked him in black. The swordsman was surprised he even recognized the man with his hair slicked back, black collared shirt unbuttoned to show an indecent amount of tanned chest, and from the way the light was playing off them, he figured he was wearing leather pants and boots to tie off the effect. He was getting antsy just looking at him, and it didn't register that he'd passed the pad of sticky notes back over to him until Xemnas tapped the pen pointedly against the table.

_You're pillow talk sucks._

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow and replied.

_Your efforts to molest me without waking me suck._

Xemnas' face froze and he tried to figure out how to breathe again before hurriedly scrawling.

_You were _awake _that whole time?!_

Sephiroth rolled his eyes.

_Of course I was awake. Being in the military forces one to be a light sleeper. _

Xemnas shook his head in confusion.

_Then why didn't you stab me?_

The green eyed man smirked.

_Why didn't I, indeed. That's certainly the question, isn't it?_

Xemnas lowered his eyes for a moment, trying to hide the amused smile in the process, but as his mind grew distracted by the red liquid swirling in the glass beneath him, he watched pale fingers slide the pad of paper and pen away from his side of the table, waiting for Sephiroth to finish writing before sending it back this way.

_My boss, Marluxia (I'm sure you know him) told me what you are._

Silver head shot up at the mention of both Marluxia's name and also the knowledge that Sephiroth had been told of his Nobodiness. He leaned fervently across the table, mouth parting to try and explain to him, but two fingers silenced him, sliding down to grip his chin possessively as he made to pull away and hide in on himself. He felt suddenly vulnerable, uncomfortably so, and those green eyes searching his, weeding into his emptiness weren't helping him feel any better.

Bending his head a moment, he scrawled a slow hesitant response.

_Forgive me, I was meaning to tell you at some point._

Releasing his hold on the man, Sephiroth plucked the pen from his grasp, downing the rest of his wine before turning to the task at hand as Xemnas refilled it.

_There's nothing to apologize for. I wasn't expecting any sort of rush from you…You're terribly slow, do you know that? You even talk slowly, well, when you're not being aggravated. _

Xemnas rolled his eyes and jotted down a barely legible response. He was getting aggravated.

_I don't need__ you_ _to tell me that._ He paused in mid thought, frowning stressfully before continuing on, slowly, before passing the square of paper back to him. _Now that you know what I am, do you really want to continue with this…relationship?_He

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow as he wrote his reply.

_I wasn't aware there was a relationship between us._

Xemnas turned an interesting shade of irritated red and scrawled a few words down.

_Well we might as well have one…we sort of, well, kind of had sex._

The swordsman made a weird face.

_That wasn't legitimate sex. You still won't let me screw you properly. _

Xemnas did an imitation of Axel, scratching at the side of his head as a laughing sort of smile spread over his face, writing out:

_Well, er, yeah…'bout that._ He paused to get stressed out again before continuing on and passed the paper back over to him. _I think it's just anxiety._

_What's to be nervous about?_

Xemnas gave the man a long blank look before scribbling out:

_Well forgive me for not being blunt, but sex has a very adverse affect on my brain._

_As well as your body. _Sephiroth wondered if the blacking out thing was normal. He'd had women lay around for a few minutes, some of them regressed back to the third grade and spouted nonsense, but he'd never had anyone actually fall unconscious. Damn, maybe we _was _good.

Xemnas looked off for a moment, watching Xaldin try to pry a drink from Demyx's grabbing hands some ways off, before his focus got lost on the tangling limbs obstructing his view. A gentle tapping on his hand brought his attention to the paper before him with a new addition.

_What is it about sex that makes you nervous?_

He frowned, unsure of how to respond to that, but eventually the Nobody came up with something.

_I think I'm afraid I won't feel it._

Sephiroth seemed a bit annoyed by this response, but if he was he didn't show it as confusion seemed to be the focus of his facial expressions.

_I don't understand._

Xemnas sighed and tried to ignore the little rain cloud hovering over his head.

_Well, simply put, Nobodies don't have hearts, and without a heart, we lack one of the integral parts of what it is to be human: emotion. Every emotion I express I've had to analyze in order to portray it correctly, though sometimes I'm unable to properly imitate the correct emotion for a situation. _

A light bulb hovered over the swordsman's head for a moment before he wrote:

_Oh…so is that why you look constipated sometimes?_

Xemnas twitched.

_I look constipated? _Fuck. _Yes, that's why. It's because I'm having a hard time with some emotion…Goddamnit, I really look constipated?_

_Yes…You might want to get that looked at._

When Xemnas didn't reply to that, Sephiroth decided to prod him a bit more after finishing off his third glass of wine.

_You're putting too much thought into this No Heart thing. _

When Xemnas continued to remain silent, Sephiroth kicked his shin and brushed off the irritated glare that followed the yelp of pain. He tapped the pen against the sticky note with the message of _I told you to stop thinking about it _printing across it.

Golden eyes narrowed as he hissed at him, but became distracted as the swordsman refilled his glass. Sephiroth's plan was to somehow get the man drunk enough to forget about his angst, as well as get loose enough for him to hopefully get some tonight, but after the fifth glass everything was starting to get very fuzzy.

Marluxia, from his vantage point behind the bar counter, watched two silver haired men crack up about nothing and attempt a game of tic-tac-toe. Each round was ended with a five minute argument about who had been X's and O's, who somehow cheated, and some jab about Sephiroth's phallic sword.

He sniffed lightly, arms folded as he narrowed his eyes, trying to decide whether or not to be savagely jealous or somewhat sated that his favorite bartender had seemed to sort himself out for the moment. It had certainly come as a surprise when he'd found out that not only was his ex-leader the swordsman's partner, but also the root of all his frazzled behavior.

He wasn't really sure why it irritated the fuck out of him to see Xemnas with his employee, which he'd intended of dragging him down a dark alley to do horrible things to him or something (He highly doubted he'd be able to drag the man, but if he knocked him out and rented a forklift he could do it).

Sighing a little, he decided that he wouldn't be able to win that fight. Yes, the Marly thingy had Flower Power of Epic Proportions, but against Xemnas, who was the man at the top, and not just a leader for nothing, he also didn't want to know how he would react if he started moving in on Sephiroth…or wait…actually…that would be sort of entertaining, watching Xemnas bust a gasket and be entirely confused about why he was freaking out.

A small smile formed on his face. He was feeling like Zexion. But first he had to help up one of his customers and mop the vomit off the floor.

And over in corner number two, Sephiroth's plan of plastering Xemnas was failing, because after the Nth bottle of wine, they were both bent over a sticky note trying to figure out what was written on it. Actually, they'd gotten bored of playing with the X's and the O's and had gone on to Pictionary. Unfortunately, Xemnas' drawing looking sort of like a duck with a thyroid problem, or maybe it was an otter with a tumor? Either way, they never would be able to figure it out when a rather drunken Luxord tripped over an invisible rug, sending him reeling back into Sephiroth, cracking him over the head with a beer bottle, and Xemnas stared at the slumped silver haired figure on the floor mournfully as the Flurry of Too Much Dancing Heat came over and poked the back of the man's head.

"Jesus Luxord, what the hell did you _do?!_"

"I'din't do anythin…musta juss passed out I guess."

"You think it might have something to do with that broken beer bottle in your hand?"

Luxord raised the neck of what remained of his Jack Daniels and smiled thinly. "Oh, there tis, been lookin for it all night and why's it empteh? Did somebody drink this? Where was I?" Shrugging lightly, he finally noticed the speck of vaguely familiar silver hair, waltzed over to it, and slung an arm around his shoulders. "Heya, Xemnas, you okay? You dun look sa good."

"Screw you hippie, thanks to you I'm not getting any sex tonight!"

And Luxord saw lots of darkness after Xemnas' fist knocked him into next Thursday. We woke up much later, lying in a corn field wearing Xemnas' uniform with a horny cow looming over him.

_----___

**Mille: **Wow. Show of hands, who thinks this chapter sucked monkey balls::Raises hand::

**Sephiroth: **::Raises hand:: What's to like? I got slugged by a drunken Englishman with a beer bottle.

**Xemnas: **I think that was the best part of the whole fic.

**Mille: **Damnit, that's a bad sign then. I'm loosing my funny touch. The walls are closing in on me. Can't breathe. Dying from lack of inspiration. Out of my mind, be back in five.


	9. Chapter 9

**Mille: **K, so, about a week after the 8th chapter went up, me in my immense catlike gracefulness, ate asphalt in a parking lot and cracked my laptop screen. Apparently the cost of fixing the thing was equal to, or even more, than the cost of a whole damn new laptop. I cried as my bank card was raped. D; But it's okay, because now I can finish the rest of chapter 9, well, at least what I can remember of it. Sorry for the wait guys. Here's the next installment of madness.

**-:-Warnings-:-** I'm tooooooo lazy to care to write this. It's an M rating for a reason, you bess be espetin some shiz homies.

**Disclaimer:** Disclaimed!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Mr. McBride, You've Got Flies In Your Eyes**

Or a better title:

_In which the predictably unexpected falls very obviously into the plot_

Or an even better title:

_In which the Goddess tries in vain to remember what the fuck she was going to write in this chapter._

_----___

**I**t was a perfectly sunny Monday morning when he met a face he wasn't expecting to see; not now, or tomorrow, nor ever.

Since Xemnas had started his job as a Therapist, nearly three weeks ago, and since Marluxia had been buying him different outfits to wear to work for his viewing pleasure, Sephiroth had been playing the role of housewife more often. He'd never imagined that threatening the Nobody with his sword would ever prove ineffective, but then again, he also hadn't expected to become-dare he say it?-mildly attached to the man. So in an effort to preserve what little nookie he was receiving, which had gone from "Okay, but you can only have a bite", to "You ain't getting none till I say you gettin some niggah!", he did everything in his power to keep the golden eyed Rottweiler as calm and relatively pleased as he could. His libido was at stake here, and despite what his logical brain was telling him, three weeks without sex was driving him batty.

He'd smiled for a moment as he realized he had a 25 off coupon for shredded beef, and decided that he would make quesadillas tonight, but then he scowled at himself for taking joy in something as domestic as carrying around coupons. He knew a few SOLDIER's that'd be turning in their graves if they could see him now, the Great and Mighty General Sephiroth, getting so pleasantly tickled about a piece of paper that'd save him just enough money to waste it 5 minutes later.

He needed to stab a kitten now, anything to keep his fearsome name ferocious and long lasting till the end of time.

He'd been on his way out of the meat department, sack of flesh in hand, and had run headlong into something small that said 'oomph' and fell over. Reflexively, because working at a bar with a constant flux of tipsy men tends to do that, he reached a hand out to the fallen meathead that dared trespass upon his mighty chest in such a manner, and the world just stopped as he tried to figure out the logistics of the thing on the floor. He should've seen this coming a mile away, The Goddess just loved to do shit like this to him all the time, but then again, she hadn't told him, and as he wasn't telepathic, there really wasn't any way to avoid it.

"My, I'm so very sorry, I really should pay attention to where I'm going!" She snickered…she always snickered, that was what she did. "Clumsy me," she took his hand, head bowed low, still staring down at her scuffed white Mary Jane's and simple white dress. "I didn't hurt you did I-…Oh!" Wide blue green eyes went wider. "Well, Sephiroth," a gentle smile, all too pleasant. "Fancy seeing you here of all places."

--------------

"I hate my job."

Xemnas looked over from his place on the couch when he didn't get a response for his bitching, eyeing the silver haired swordsman looming near the window staring, zombified, out of it. Normally, he'd throw a fit for being ignored and threaten not to let him kiss him for a week, but it wasn't that the man was ignoring him, it was that his body had walked through that door about an hour ago, and his brain had yet to get the right directions and catch up.

Normally, his silence wouldn't bother him. It wasn't uncommon for him to faze into moments of prolonged external seclusion, but he'd had a distressed look on his face for a disturbing amount of time, as if he were a 17 year old, with a brain tumor, trying to remember his apples from his oranges and failing miserably.

Xemnas was still in a shitty mood from having to deal with a client who'd turned out to be schizophrenic, and not just making it up, had attacked him with a stapler and an arsenal of bobby pins, and yet the office still insisted that she was just suffering from depression. However, seeing Sephiroth like this was starting to freak him out. He practically levitated over to the man, careful hands sliding up the general's back, over his shoulders, before their director slumped himself lightly, comfortingly, against him.

"What's wrong?" Xemnas eyed the side of his neck, hypnotically watching the vein pulsate. "You look like me."

"Hn."

"…I mean that you look constipated."

"Do I?" Detached, still, and Xemnas didn't like it. Frowning a bit, he slid his fingers up along his neck, rubbing small circles over the softer tendrils of hair just behind one ear, pulling lightly on them occasionally. He felt a little better when the swordsman closed his eyes to revel in the sensation for a moment, but it was a hair's breath of a moment, and before long he was having a staring contest with the landfill outside the window again.

"It's nothing to worry about," he said coolly. "What is it you were saying about your job?"

"I said I loved it."

"Really?" Sephiroth noted the look of irritation that crossed Xemnas' face as he turned about, quirking his mouth a bit and shrugged. "Not my fault I wasn't paying attention. All you're bitching has begun to run together lately."

Surprisingly enough, Xemnas didn't swat him this time for reminding him how much of a woman he'd been for the past few weeks, rather he looked a little constipated. Sephiroth guessed he was trying to figure out what emotion to feel at the moment, but as his face faded to the remote emptiness that he usually wore, he figured he'd given up.

"Sephiroth," said general scowled and walked around him, heading towards the kitchen with him calling after him. "What happened between here and the store?"

"You're not allergic to anything with yeast in it are you?" It seemed he was staring into the all empowering light of the refrigerator more often these days. Perhaps if he waited long enough, a prophet would take up residence within it and explain to him why weird shit kept happening to him all the time.

"Did you kill someone?" Xemnas gave him an accusing eye, which was brushed off as the swordsman swept listlessly past him with a glass of cranberry juice spiked with Vodka.

"I killed a kitten today, does that count?" He really didn't want to discuss it, and he tried to make his point clear by sitting very stiffly in a chair beside the small dining room table and snapping open a newspaper. He was just getting to a story that would've made him smile lots, something about an adolescent cereal killer and his love of mandibles, when a tanned hand slowly and very deliberately lifted it from his grasp and began to fold it neatly.

"I wasn't done with that." Sephiroth still had his hands up, holding his invisible newspaper, twitching a commanding finger to have the tangible one returned to him.

"Darling." Xemnas smiled sweetly.

"Sweetheart." Xemnas grasped his suspended hands.

"Love of my life." Sephiroth did an exceptional job suppressing what would've been a very undignified yelp, as the loud pops and cracks of bones being crushed echoed about the room.

"Is there anything in particular I should know about?"

"No…not that I can think of."

"Are you sure?" Xemnas popped one of his fingers.

"Well…now that you mention it…"

--------------

"I see, so you're working for the Guild now. How long?"

"Immeasurably long." _This is impossible…this can't really be happening. _

"I understand," she laughed airily. "You can always tell the ones that have been at the Guild the longest. They don't really want to talk about it, and with good reason too. That place can sap so much energy and life out of you." She stared off through the window at a gaggle of non human Purgatorists carrying a large mirror along the murky sidewalk. "Sometimes, I used to think that there would never be a way out of this place…that I would be stuck doing Atonement work for eons and eons, and yet here I am, proof it can be done with a little patience and perseverance. But, there is a reason for it…It's all a learning process, a self-examination of sorts. It seems a funny way of doing it, and the system is very hap hazardous, but there really is a method to their madness."

She turned to him and smiled something bright, something entirely too bright, and he swatted away the feeling of comfort and security, that everything was going to be alright and the answer lay under the next rock. He sent her a warning glare.

"Stay out of my head."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I just haven't got the hang of this yet," she rubbed at the side of her nose a moment, giving him, still, a sugar warm sort of smile. "Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I'll make groups of people suddenly stop what their doing and hug each other. It gets a little out of hand really, but I've been getting a lot of help from Zack and L.U.C.I.D. though."

"L.U.C.I.D?"

"Luminous Underlings of the Copious Ideological Deity."

"Sounds like another Guild."

"It is, just a bit more celestial."

"Is that why you have those?"

"Yes."

"I would've expected an angel's wings to be a bit…larger."

"Well, we're not official angels, it takes a lot of hard work to become an angel, title and all that," she stretched one of her tiny white sparrow-esque wings and took another sip of her tea.

"Luminous underlings…so what, they send you around doing good deeds or something?"

"You could say that, but I really don't know very much about it myself" she scratched her head a bit. "I hate being left in the dark about everything. I don't like all the mystery that goes into the afterlife. You'd think after you died all would be revealed, but it's as if I've just moved from one fuzzy screen to another; it's very annoying. But I suppose they have their reasons, so I just have to keep doing the best that I can-"

"Stop that." He was feeling like he was about to give birth to bubbles.

"Sorry, sorry, I really should see someone about this, I don't want to go through the rest of my unlife visiting excessive happiness every time I smile…although, I guess that wouldn't be too bad-"

"No. See someone about it. For the sake of sanity."

"You sure? You could use a smile on your face-"

"I hate not having my sword with me."

"Alright, alright then, just because you _insist_."

--------------

"Okay….so…what? You thought I'd be mad at you for having coffee with some girl?"

"Well, you got mad at me for holding the door open for some guy two days ago."

"No, that wasn't just _some guy_, that was an _attractive guy_ and he was giving you a 'come hither' look."

"So, of course, I'm to blame."

"Well I couldn't blame _him_, he was a total stranger."

Sephiroth just growled at him and took another sip of his Vodberry. Xemnas got the message, sighing a bit too exasperatedly before popping another of his fingers back into its socket and wrapping it up with another thin rag. He would've used bandages, but the ones under the sink had looked rather questionable, and even if they were dead, he was still worried about the odd green stains on them.

"Was she an ex-girlfriend?"

"No."

"Just a friend then?"

"No."

Xemnas paused to stare into his face a bit before tying a gentle firm knot. "You killed her, didn't you?"

"Well, she was already dead when I saw her again, but yes, I killed her once before."

"I see," he kissed his bandaged pinkie finger before turning away to roll up what remained of his old uniform in an old sheet. He was going to miss working at the hospital, but it wasn't like he'd never go back and visit. After all, Luxord in a nurse's outfit was just too good an opportunity to pass up. "And I take it things went a bit uncomfortably?"

"Quite the contrary," he stretched himself a bit, rolling his right shoulder marginally. "You'd have thought we were old friends catching up on lost time."

"Really," Xemnas raised an eyebrow as he rose with the sheet and made his way towards a small hallway, where a mountain of laundry had overtaken the hamper and was causing a fire hazard. "So is _that_ why you're all weird."

"I was expecting something else."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, just something…_else._"

--------------

"How's Zack?"

"Oh he's doing just fine, well, sort of. He and a few people at L.U.C.I.D. are getting into little scuffles here and there; mostly just differences of opinion."

"I can't imagine why."

She could smell his sarcasm and it made her smile. "Well, I have to admit, it's a suffocatingly pleasant atmosphere. Even I get a bit catty every now and then, but beggars can't be choosers."

"Hm." Sephiroth was staring into his fifth nearly empty cup of coffee like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"But how about you?"

He looked up, questioningly as he raised an eyebrow.

"How have you been doing?"

He frowned slightly, distrustful, as he had been for the past 3 and a half hours. The swordsman tilted his head away from her slightly, as if listening out for someone behind him with a microphone, telling the brunette exactly what to say next before he got a bullet in the back of the head.

"Fine."

"I could see that really," she said with a gentle smile. "You've changed."

"How so?"

"You seem, I'm not sure, a bit more at peace then you were."

"At peace?" If there was anything, he knew he was _not _a peaceful person. No more than 5 minutes ago he'd wanted to ram his fist down the waitress' mouth for putting one too many scoops of sugar in his coffee.

"Yes, peace, even for you, is a possibility." She studied him as unobtrusively as she could. "There's been a change in your life, and its affecting you for the better, whether you realize it yourself or not, and it's because of that that your soul is beginning to fill itself."

"Well Miss Cleo, anything else you want to add? Maybe throw in my horoscope?"

"Hey now, I'm being serious!" She giggled, a little less girlish than before. Perhaps she _was_ being serious this time. "No, but really, whatever it is that you've come in contact with, hold on to it like your life depended on it. It just might be the key to the end of your Atonement."

"What makes you so sure I'm atonable?" He smirked. "For all you know, I could be running this place in another year."

"Well, knowing you…" She fell serious for a moment. "But I do mean that, in all honesty. You were brought here because someone felt you should be given a second chance. Someone believed that you could heal yourself."

"Then someone's an idiot." The general drained the rest of his coffee and coughed. "I don't feel the least bit of regret about what I did."

"And you shouldn't."

He paused. He'd heard that right, hadn't he?

"You shouldn't regret a decision that you believed in. It's just that yours was a little, oh, I don't know, cosmically threatening? "

"Human beings were destined to wipe themselves out anyway. I was doing them a service."

"Is that how you feel now?"

"What's it to you?"

"Nothing really, just wanted to know if you still stand firmly behind your decisions."

"Of course I do. I wouldn't be who I am today if not for my will."

"Good. You'll probably need that in the future." She looked at her watch then and sighed. It almost sounded unhappy. "Well, I've got to go. I'm needed back at L.U.C.I.D. around 4ish."

"Is Zack one of you?"

"Yes, he is."

"As I expected." He couldn't imagine the dark haired man with a pair of midget wings. He almost laughed, _almost. _He looked off for a moment as she rose to leave. "Tell him I said hi."

"Hi? Just hi?"

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing, just thought you wanted to add something eloquent and enigmatic to that."

"I save all my eloquence for work and battle. I don't need to waste it on you."

--------------

"Aeirith Gainsborough?"

"Yes, that was her name, rather, _is _her name."

"I dunno, sounds like an ex-girlfriend name to me."

"She was my adversaries little plaything actually. You should've seen the look on his face when he found her bleeding like a burst water main."

"Your evil."

"Thank you."

"But…why'd you kill her?"

"She was in my way, that and it added an incredible amount of angst and turned the protagonist into a brooding emo."

"Hmm…If I'd made a list of Things To Do Before I'm Damned, I would've put down Kill Kairi, if it would've added that kind of weight to the plot."

"Why didn't you?"

"You can only do so much in an E rated game."

"I got away with it."

"Well, your graphics sucked, and crappy digital blood would've been a no-no."

"Bless the team of artists that resurrected me in all my updated pixilated sexiness."

Amen to that.

Xemnas had finished unwrapping the general's bandaged fingers and _vwala! _Instant healage! Courtesy of the Dead and Fucked Corporation. (Some restrictions will apply.) Straddling his hips, Xemnas began kneading and pawing at the man's chest as he tried to keep the attention on him and off the alcoholic beverage at Sephiroth's hand. He licked the tip of his nose before pulling away to inspect him.

"Feeling better?"

"When am I ever?"

"Does the tyrant need pick-me-up sex?"

"Is the servant going to let me plunder his caves?"

"Er…maybe just the entrance?"

Sephiroth glowered. "Then get off me."

"Listen you, comforting people is not my department of expertise, and you're lucky I haven't slapped you across the face with that glass of liquor." He fidgeted uncomfortably as the constipated look crossed his face. "At least give me credit for trying. So far the only way I know to snap your mood is to let you screw me-"

"Incomplete-screwage, because you never want to go farther-."

"The word screw is _still _in there, so it _still _counts as screwing!"

"Fine, whatever."

Xemnas watched him cave in on himself, wondering if that was what he looked like when he got all Emo, Unhappy, OMFG Don't Even Fucking Look At Me Or You Die.

"I could give you a lap dance?…Rather, I could _try_. I've never given anyone a lap dance before, but with enough alcohol, anything is possible."

"Mm."

"Or I could make dinner tonight. You've been doing it for the past three weeks."

"Mm."

"I could make dinner naked. Huh? Yes? I'll even go out and buy a frilly pink apron just for the occasion."

"Mm."

"Or maybe one of those dresses with the hole in the back, you know, for easy access and all?"

"Mm."

"How 'bout an enema? You look like you could use a good enema."

"Mm."

His patience was running low, and his narcissism was feeling horribly neglected, so he rolled his eyes and caught the other's chin roughly between his fingers and forced his head up. There was a cracking sound.

"HEY…YOU…WITH THE FACE!"

"What? Why are you yelling?"

"Did you even hear a _word _I just said?!"

"…Maybe."

"Oh my god, the only time I'm willingly whoring myself and you're not even paying attention."

"Well, quite frankly, I'm a little distracted."

"Well get _un_distracted so I don't get unhorny."

"Not right now Xemnas, I don't feel like i-" SMACK!

It was one of those moments where you're not sure you've been slapped, but you feel the sting, but you're still not sure it happened, because all logic points to the fact that no one in their sane mind would _ever _slap your lethal prettiness. But Xemnas had done it, and he'd done it with an empty glass of Vodka, 'cause that's how he rolled.

The word _Filthy bitch _popped into Sephiroth's head around the same time he grabbed Xemnas by the hair and all but yanked it out as he spun him around and cut off his airway in a Living Weapon of Doom and Destruction headlock. The fact that he'd been in this sort of situation before, or that he was never sure if the man was ever intent on doing him sincere bodily harm, didn't bother Xemnas so much as the fact that the mopey bitch had pulled his hair out just to get him into it. He'd just washed and combed it. A few sharp elbows to his solar plexus was his reward.

Irritated, because he swore he could taste blood in the back of his throat, Sephiroth released his hold for a moment, backing away, before reaching a hand out to snag the retreating shape. He was surprised to find numerous slashes appearing like magic all over his hand, and without thinking about it, grabbed hold of Xemnas' wrists to keep him from further attacking him with a pair of scissors. The Nobody spat at him and sank his teeth into his assailant's hand, who yelled something angry at him in what sounded like German before he was thrown across the table.

Elijah stood outside the door with an envelope in his hands, thinking it might not be a good idea to knock, not since something heavy had slammed up against the door. He stood there for about 5 minutes, listening to a variety of ominous sounds, many of which included tearing fabric, snapping wood, and predatory screams. It sounded like a catfight, a giant horny catfight, with a dash of blood. The reptile slid the envelope addressed to Xemnas beneath the door and prayed that it didn't get shredded as he made his way downstairs.

--------------

"You've seen the Superior?"

" 'Course I have, it was only a matter of time really. We've all got this uncannily obnoxious ability to know exactly where each of us is and whether or not it'll piss them off if we drop them a line."

Marluxia watched the Blue Haired Boy Wonder stare hypnotically into his glass of water. It was the best water in the world, straight from the hose, filled with all those nutritious parasites and bacteria, guaranteed to aid in unhealthy weight loss for an extended incurable time. Luckily, Saix had the immune system of a Brazilian cockroach, so the flower mage was pretty sure that after the 12 glasses of water, he could start heading out back with a garden hose to preserve his stock of Fiji.

In one corner of his little mind, Marluxia almost felt bad about screwing with Saix. Anyone with half a brain and one eye could tell that the Luna Diviner willingly and (secretly) happily enjoyed the master and servant image presented between himself and Xemnas, on a kinky make you giggle for days level, and also on an anime school girl stuttering first crush sort of level. It was sweet really, if you looked past the fangs, and the mood swings, and the bitterness, and the cynicism, and the hate for all things generally alive and in his space.

But he mostly felt bad because if the man ever found out but his scheme for personal entertainment, he'd probably tear him a new one and an extra, free of charge, but that only meant if he ever found out that he was being screwed with. And the screwy key was that Marluxia fully intended on not telling him Xemnas was doing the monkey love jive with his partner. Though, him finding out would be completely unavoidable, which was what Marluxia was counting on, because he wanted to know who would last the longest in a fight; the insane general, or the sane berserker. It was too tempting, like waving weed in front of Snoop Dog to see if he'd jump. He was even thinking about setting up a betting ring.

"How does he look?"

"Dead."

"Yes, I know that, but does he look…" _well_ would've been a good word, or even _sexy_, which was an even better word. "…fine?"

"Depends on what you mean by fine."

"You know what I mean maggot." Saix bit off the 't' at the end of _maggot._ It was a sign of irritation. But he added a bite to everything to express his irritation.

"He looks healthy for a dead guy, if that's what you mean." Marluxia watched the blunette's eye twitch impressively. "Buuut, I think you might be meaning to ask something else, no?"

"Like what?"

"I dunno, maybe you should talk to him yourself."

"Because he'd want to speak to a disappointment such as myself," he muttered darkly, and immediately, the shadows began to shift in the room.

"Oh don't be a martyr, you weren't the only one to die! Besides," Marluxia flipped his hair. "My death was way more epic-er than yours was, so there."

"Whatever. Only You-Tubers are going to get to see your death…in Japanese…never to be translated…which downgrades your death to a blip on the relevance radar."

"Tss, you're such a beetch to everybody."

Saix sent him an unusually prissy smirk before draining his glass of water and dropping it on the bar counter. _The Salty Dog_ was empty, only because Marluxia had made sure it was empty, because he didn't want to be run out of business because Captain Insano decided to go kamikaze and kill some dude for breathing his air.

"More water."

"How about something tastier than water?"

"I don't like alcohol. It makes me crazy."

"Yeah, I know, I remember." He got nerve chills just thinking about it. He'd never be able to look at saran wrap the same way ever again. "But I'm not talking about booze, hun, I'm talking about something that would interest you."

"Interest me," he raised an eyebrow, doing a poor job of looking interested. "Do tell."

"Something, perhaps, about your Superior dearest."

"Why would he interest me?" It was a weak statement. Saix knew it. Marluxia knew it. Every Xemnas/Saix fangirl knew it. And to make it worse, he'd stuttered a little on the _Why_.

"Really? You think _no _one notices?"

"Just because I actually took my job seriously doesn't make me an ass kiss."

"Yeah, you kissed some ass, in a purely platonic way of course."

Saix lowered his gaze as he growled, digging clawed fingernails into the wood of the counter and leaving scars that probably would take a great deal of money to patch up (Or the right amount of under the table services, which ever was handiest).

"Relax Spot, I'm just teasing you. I'm dead, remember? It might make me hurt, but I'll come right back, I promise you."

Saix glared at him still, before it drooped into something along the lines of fatigued consternation etched in measured antagonism. He whispered uneasily; "Is it really _that _obvious?"

"Well, not really."

"You're lying."

"I am not! Really, we were just jealous that you were like, the unofficial number two and all, so we talked smack about you behind your back because we were insecure about ourselves."

"Your nose twitches when you lie."

"Ooo, I thought you were the only person who didn't know about that."

Saix leaned forward and let his head fall listlessly against his hand, propped up on the counter, and got stuck in a corner of his head as he stared off at something. Now that the organization was a pack of zombies, he couldn't use his threat of decapitation to keep them off his back about being the Superior's shadow. Truth be told, he _had_ taken his job seriously, he _had _believed that Xemnas was the man with the plan, a foolproof plan, and they'd all followed him for whatever their individual reasons were outside of wanting to be whole again. That _was_ until he went fucking insane.

Yet part of it was admiration, which for someone like Saix who didn't give two shits about the next person brushing elbows with him in the castle dining hall, was a very significant thing. Perhaps it was because he was the man at the end of the table, or that he radiated a constant air of, for lak of a better word, superiority with a touch of exotic grace, or maybe it was just that he was the sexiest thing on two legs that didn't irritate him. Whatever it was, he knew it'd festered somewhere in the left pocket of his robe, and it'd become something more than simply admiration. He'd go so far as to call it infatuation, but he never dwelled on it. To do so said that it meant something, and for a being without a heart, an intangible sensation shouldn't mean anything.

Shifting his gaze over to the pink haired man, who had been studying him too closely for his tastes, he straightened up a bit, folding one hand over the other.

"So? What is this _something _that I'd be interested in?"

"Mm, depends on where your interests lay." Marluxia smiled thinly, leaning against the counter, a hand on his hip. His sticky business stance. "What do you want to know?"

"Where he is."

"Mm…you'll have to be more specific…and you'll have to make a donation."

"A what?"

"A donation, nothing's free in this world you know."

"You've _got _to be kidding me. You want me to _pay _you for information?!"

"You're saying it like I'm asking you to give up your own child!"

"I'd eat my child." Saix hated kids. He'd probably eat his own kid and then his neighbor's kids too. He sat back to glower at the pink haired man, who, by now, was entirely too confident to be rattled by his glares of death. He had the upper hand here, and he was pretty sure Saix knew that too since he hadn't started threatening to tie fisherman's knots in his intestines.

"…"

"Is that a 'No, I don't want to know where the Superior dearest is?' "

"Fine. How much?"

"Eh, I think 250 should cover the first installment."

"Right, I'm just going to pull 250 dollars out of my ass for information you probably don't have, so here's my idea, how about I just peel off layers of your skin with my teeth until you remember that logic is your friend."

"Okay fine, 100."

"And after I'm done with your skin, I'll start on the arteries."

"70?"

"In your dick."

"40."

"After I've pumped them full of formaldehyde."

"20 dollars sound good?"

"Sounds excellent." Saix pulled a dead historical figure out of the back pocket of his jeans and dropped it in his empty glass. "Now, tell me where he lives."

"Ooo, sorry, don't quite know that yet. That's going to be a 40 dollar Incorrect Service Fee-"

"Formaldehyde's also readily soluble in water, so I can put it in a syringe and stick your-"

"Free! Free! One time only offer of a _free _Incorrect Service fee charge. You lucky bastard you."

"Tell me where I can find him."

"At work." Marluxia paused, realizing he wasn't going to get anymore money out of him, and rolled his eyes. "He's a therapist. He works at a clinic called M.E.R.C.Y."

"M.E.R.C.Y…What does that stand for?"

"Malignant Envoys of the Revered Cube of Yggrasil."

"In other words, it doesn't mean anything."

"No really, that's what it stands for. The developers were having a hard time coming up with benevolent sounding words with which to make an acronym out of, so they stuck with weak irony instead."

Saix tried not to gag at the thought that some imbecile had sullied one of the great staples of his character by demeaning it to something so base and contrite. He shed an invisible tear as a team of non-existent men in military threads fired a volley of respect into the bleak skies of nothingness to observe the death of irony.

"Do you know where it is?"

"No, but it isn't that hard to find. Any patient of theirs or a Jehovah's witness should know where it is. Hey, you might even be able to get in easier if you started foaming at the mouth."

"Right, and land myself in a psyche ward. I'll put that on my To Do list, right between Underwater Basket Weaving and Feed Mrs. Cutters Eel."

"You laugh now, but you'll develop a sudden case of touretts when the time comes."

--------------

About an hour after the noises stopped, the neighbors assumed that the cougars living on the sixth floor had eaten each other and went about their daily routine of yelling in various languages, throwing about furniture, and avoiding the fourth floor as Lucas had yet to return to his room, still wondering what the flying fuck just happened up there.

"Well that was strange," Xemnas said, still out of breath as he brushed a stray feather from his eyelid. He was curled about what used to be a chair, naked, except for his work shirt, which had holes in the back, staring at the ceiling where there used to be a lamp of some sort. Though he was bleeding profusely from his neck where Sephiroth had bitten him, the pain was a dull undercurrent to the fact that his lower back was killing him.

"I wonder if our insurance will cover this," Sephiroth coughed, perched on a two legged coffee table, picking something sticky out of his hair he was sure wasn't honey. He was shirtless, wearing one sock, and covered from head to toe in bear sized scratch marks that had steadily begun to heal. Despite all of that, nothing more happened than was expected-Xemnas refusing to let himself be fucked properly-but the scale of raw animosity made up for it, and now he was sure he could go to bed without needing to wake up and cloister himself in the bathroom for 15 minutes. He looked to Xemnas then, getting pleased all over again that he hadn't decided to kill him the first time they met. "We could say there was an earthquake. That might cover the hole beside the bookcase."

"Was that sex or primeval tongue fucking?" Xemnas rolled onto his back, wincing sharply as the motion strained his neck and a muscle in his calf he never knew existed. He was thinking that they needed to replace the lamp before it got any darker, or else finding the bathroom in the middle of the night was going to suck.

"Where's the phone?" Sephiroth flipped up a pile of books with the leg of the coffee table, looked about himself for a moment as, and then made his way to a dresser with one drawer left in it. "Maybe if I do some damage to the other floors, the earthquake scenario will be more believable."

"You were the last one to have it. It should be right where you left it, hanging out the window." Xemnas groaned, pulling himself into a seated position and gingerly fingered the teeth marks through the substance oozing out of his neck, and watched the general stick his head through the fractured window pane.

"Ah, found it." He was busy pulling it up by its curly-fry cord, when a head wedged itself beneath his arm and a snatch of silver hair popped up in his line of around the time he tossed the phone back across the room as close to the receiver as he could.

"Hey you, pay attention to me," Xemnas sighed breathlessly, jabbing a finger in Sephiroth's chest. "You're ruining an earth shatteringly fatal experience by worrying about insurance. Besides, you bit me, and I'm a little worried about why I haven't stopped bleeding yet."

"I bit you? I thought I just threw you at a door and burned you."

"No, _I _burned you, on the leg, here," Xemnas indicated a spot with his toe on Sephiroth's left leg. The fabric was charred and sticking to him like a second skin. Getting it off was going to be a party in France. "You don't remember doing that?"

"Lots of things happened within the hour. You can't expect me to remember everything I did."

Xemnas stared at him, a nervous bafflement coating his features, dark blood seeping out between the fingers cupped about the wound. Actually, now that he thought about it, there were two times during that whole ordeal that Sephiroth had _actually _scared the shit out of him. He truly believed he was going to kill him, no two ways about it, but then he would whip his ass with a frying pan to the face or a phone cord about the neck. There were times, like now, that we wondered if being in a relationship with a sociopath was a healthy decision. But the sex was good, or, what he remembered of it, so it was okay.

"I probably hit a main artery," Sephiroth said nonchalantly, cutting through Xemnas' thoughts with an attentive kiss, pulling him towards the dining room table (miraculously the only other piece of furniture, besides the blood stained couch, that was still in one piece) and seated the dark skinned man on the edge with thoughtless effort. Slipping a hand around his wrist, he pulled Xemna's hand away from his neck to inspect his handiwork, smiling, pleased, that it'd leave a very noticeable Sephy love bite on him for some time. Reaching behind the Nobody to snag a piece of cloth, probably what was left of a curtain or a rug, he pressed it firmly, gently, against his neck as the golden eyed man hissed irritably.

"You shit head, I won't be able to sleep on this side for days."

"Why is your blood so dark?"

"It's because I'm a Nobody," he replied, blinking a little in surprise as if it was the most obvious thing. "Marluxia didn't tell you?"

"He didn't go into any great detail on the subject." He pulled the cloth away to inspect the wound, wiping at it gently before refolding it to a cleaner side and applying the same consistent pressure on it once more. "Is that also the reason why you're cold?"

"I'm cold because you blew a damn hole in our living room."

"No, I mean internally cold." He sighed, aggravated, before his calm insanity fell back into place. "I've noticed your body doesn't give off a considerable amount of heat." He stated simply, raising an eye to note Xemnas' reaction, which really wasn't much of anything. He seemed more like he was listening to something he'd heard about a billion times, and thought it only necessary to expend .0006 units of attention.

"That's what happens when you don't have a heart. Your body dies." He didn't sound in the least bit concerned over it, like something he'd gotten used to, as a terminal cancer patient gets used to the idea that they only have so long in this fabulous little world.

"It's odd though, because there are those times when you're actually warm."

"Really?" Now he was paying attention, straightening up even. Good Fido. "Like when?"

"Usually it's during sex, but there have been other arbitrary times when you're not as cold as could as you usually are." He paused in his speech to watch Xemnas' reaction, who seemed to take it all in with a distracted sort of thought, a gentle frown of unreadable focus etched into his features. "Has this ever happened before?"

"No…Not that I can recall. I never really realized any noticeable decrease in core temperature actually…or rise in it." He looked off for a moment, distracted by something just at the tip of his mind, but too far below the horizon for him to see what it was. Besides, why worry about it? It wasn't going to change the fact that he still had no heart and all that madness; And despite that, he found himself falling as he leaned to him, to Sephiroth, arching his back to place a firm needy kiss to his lips, still brushed with the slightest bit of blood.

Lazily, because he had a headache the size of a heavy metal concert gone horribly array, he licked gently at the man's lips, coaxing them apart to allow the muscle to slither within, knowing a touch of uninterrupted freedom before Xemnas's tongue half-heartedly blocked access to the back of his throat, tasting the swordsman, and the faint zing of the alcohol and cranberry juice he'd had earlier.

It was a lazy battle, like two blind, deaf, 80 year old lions fighting for dominance over a grape and forgetting half way through what they were fighting about and started milling around each other in a daze. A tired throaty moan oozed from the Nobody, draping his arms carelessly about the swordsman's shoulders and used him as a wall to hang from, like a spider monkey.

Eventually, Sephiroth got lazy, and tired, and broke their kiss abruptly, noting absently that Xemnas had made some muffled protest when his head fell forward against his chest. Resting his head atop the one of silver, he closed his eyes and swayed with the man, breathing, listening to him breathing, shallowly, and shook him gently as the man started dropping off to sleep.

"I need a nap."

"Mmm…I'm hungry," Xemnas muttered with no amount of demanding force. He let his arms fall, dead, at his sides, before he raised the lead filled appendages and wrapped them about the general's waist, hanging off him again, like sloth.

"You burned me. I'm not making you _anything._"

"But you bit me so you should make me something anyway."

Sephiroth paused to consider this, which took him 15 minutes because he kept spacing off at thee cannonballs beside the door that'd rolled there. "Let me sleep for 2 hours and I'll get back to you."

"Fine, but I'm coming with you…and you're carrying me."

The trek to the bed didn't go as planned, mostly because they stopped every two steps and analyzed the floor, and eventually, there was an unofficial democratic vote of 99 to 1 that said that the floor was closer and comfier, and both men collapsed upon it, knocked the fuck out, and slept for 8 hours under Sephiroth's trench coat. Xemnas wouldn't see the envelope addressed to him till some weeks later.

_----___

**Mille: **So the last part was sleepy, because I was feeling sleepy, and it's easier to write sleepy people when you're sleepy. Leave me reviews while I sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Mille: **Hey look at that, I updated within a reasonable amount of time!

-----

**Volurin: **Yeah, Saix is steadily growing on me as a favorite Nobody of mine as well. He's up there with Xigbar for me. And what _is _in that envelope. That is indeed the question isn't it? x3

**CornCob: **Aw, no cry-age. We have to let him be a little shit for at least a few chapters. D:

**Jewlin-chan: **::Pokes with stick::

-----

**-:-Warnings-:-** More of the same; Sex, drugs, rock n' roll. You know the drill.

**Disclaimer:** Property not mine, yadda, yadda, monkey's like salt.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**The Downward Spiraling Escalator of Self-Unreliability**

Or a better title:

_In which Sephiroth goes slightly mad because the plot's getting stickier_

_----___

"_**F**__uck him."_

Sephiroth stared, wide eyed, at the steady rise and fall of Xemnas' chest as he slept, mouth hanging open, mumbling something about spiky brown haired busy bodies every now and then. For the past week or so, since the colossal death match that knocked a hole in their living room, he'd been feeling significantly hornier than he usually was. It shouldn't have been any more different than that time that Xemnas, upon getting his new job as a therapist, refused to be touched in any way shape or form, but this was different, much different, in that he'd been having horribly erotic dreams about it, all day and all night.

Well, it wasn't like Xemnas was still being a catty little shit about sex anymore, actually he'd been a bit flirtier if it was at all possible (if you could call getting slapped in the face with packaged steak flirty), and he'd dropped from an 11 to a bristly 7.5 on the Bitch scale. But it was just…that voice…

"_Fuck him."_

Yeah, that one.

He'd started hearing the subliminal voice about a week ago, around the same time that he noticed a sudden increase in the amount of attractive men coming into _The Salty Dog._ He'd smiled at eight of them, and was about to give one of them a free drink and a lap dance, on the house, when he caught himself, went back to Stab Mode, and threw cold water at them to shoo them off.

And now here he was, on a Saturday night, about as hot and bothered as a three legged cat in heat and he couldn't make the three centimeter reach to his left in order to sate his desires.

"_Fuck him!"_

_And_ he was hearing voices, which wasn't unusual for him, but it was a voice he didn't recognize, and in school, they taught him not to listen to strange voices…unless it was Jenova.

_Mother?_

"_Fuck him!"_

_Guess not._

"You awake?"

Mako tinted eyes flicked to the lazy sleep rung golden orbs eying him at half mast. He looked helplessly delirious, and he wondered if it was alright that he was thinking that it made him rape-ably sexy.

"Yes, I have been for the past 3 hours."

"Mnn." Xemnas slapped a hand over his face, rubbing and clawing at it, as if the motion would somehow jolt his brain into wakefulness through physical facial deformation. Finding that his plan had failed, he gave up and rolled over, crab-nudging his body closer to the general's and curled into his chest with a half hearted yawn.

"There's a hole in our sheets…M'fix it tomorrow."

"…"

"…"

"…"

Xemnas rolled one of his eyes and turned his back to the general. "Creep."

"What?"

"Don't watch me sleep."

"I can't sleep, what else am I going to do?"

"Make coffee? Kill another rat? Scare a kitten? Just don't watch me sleep."

"Why, does it make you nervous?" Xemnas wasn't awake enough to catch the tail end of an evil smirk.

"Stop watching me or I'm portalling you to a Roman orgy."

"That's fine."

"Of men."

"That's fine"

"With syphilis."

"That's not fine, do you want one egg or two? We don't have any bacon, so you'll have to do without that."

--------------

"_Do it…Do it…Fuck him…Fuck him."_

"Xemnas?"

"Hm?" Xemnas' ass was looking particularly delicious today. It occurred to him that though black slacks were not prime ass-staring material, he was finding it quite difficult to argue otherwise. The dark skinned Nobody was washing dishes in his purple collared shirt, sleeves rolled up above his elbows, wearing a dressier pair of black boots than he usually wore. He was dressed achingly simply today, and the lavender tie dangling loose about his neck was making Sephiroth want to choke him with it as he slung him over the back of a chair.

At the lack of a response, Xemnas turned around and stared at the man at the table, a mug of coffee halfway to his lips, stuck, as if his brain completely forgot that its off day wasn't today. His leg was bouncing impatiently, like he really needed to pee but was too stubborn to admit to it. Raising an eyebrow, he followed his line of site to its destination and twisted his hips with an inviting mischievous smirk.

"Does my sociopath want a post-breakfast treat?"

"_Yes, yes, feed me, fuck me."_

"No, No I'm fine, I was just thinking that those pants aren't too flattering on you, not that you look terrible in them, they just don't fit you, you know, they don't give you any shape, and you have a shape, I like that shape and I miss it. "

"Oh…" Xemnas looked down at them, quirking his mouth to one side as his mild OCD-ness reared its ugly head. "I was thinking they were a little to loose myself," he said absently, pawing at the fabric around his thighs and sent a series of violent, unseen, spasm through the general. "But that's what you get when you shop at a thrift store…unless you think you could find something better."

Sephiroth believed he'd look better in fishnets and stilettos with bite marks on his legs. "They look fine for now, but you'll probably want to get them tailored, or they'll fall off you, which would be fine by me, but your clients wouldn't appreciate it," he sighed hurriedly, draining the last of his coffee and tossed the newspaper on the kitchen table. He was halfway between slipping a coat on and walking out the door when Xemnas stopped him:

"It's only 8:30 Sephiroth, you don't have to be at work for a whole 2 hours."

"_FuckhimFuckhimFuckhimFuckhim-"_

"I know." Xemnas was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, one hand on his slouched hip, a dish rag in the other. Sephiroth would've said something clipped and dismissive to that remark, but the image of tying Xemnas to a chair with dish rags and screwing him till he spoke in tongues was distracting his witty retort reflex. "Just thought I'd get there early today. Boss's been halfway up my ass about slacking and-but I have to go, I'll just see you tonight alright? Maybe, I'm not sure, I might have to work late again. I'll bring you home something to eat though if it makes you feel better; Spanish food, you'll like it, I'll like it, we'll be happy, and then we'll have sex, k? Okay, love you, see you later."

Xemnas raised an eyebrow as a trail of frazzled white hair got sucked out of the room with the slam of a door.

--------------

"You gave him Ephedrines?!"

"Well…yeah…he'd been looking tired lately, so I thought I'd give him an energy boost."

"Then give him coffee not drugs!"

"But coffee only lasts so long, Luxord, it wears off. At least this way he'll be a little perky for a long while."

"A _little?!_" X and XI turned from their respective places at the far end of the bar counter, and watched Marluxia's favorite bartender making out, _again,_ with another spiky blonde haired man with blue eyes. The reason Marluxia hadn't stopped the man was that after two minutes of that, he would pull away with a disgruntled bark, like he did now, and throw a pitcher of cold water on Victim Number X, sending them packing out into the streets. That done with, Sephiroth went back to mixing drinks at a dizzying pace, and somehow managed to not spill a drop. He was even whistling.

"Marly…how much did you give him…"

"Three of those little white tablet thingies about…5 hours ago."

"82mg's of Ephedrine shouldn't be keeping him like this-"

"And then again five minutes ago."

"Marly!"

"What? It was only for this week." He turned away from Luxord to check on a plate of food going out into the crowd. "Oh, no, no, no, this salad looks old, go in the back and see if we don't have any fresh heads of lettuce, and check on the fruit, we're getting complaints about sour peaches!" Marluxia sighed and turned back to Luxord, who was staring quizzically as Sephiroth cut oranges for Margaritta's, three at a time. "We've been busy like this all week, and we needed some hustle. He didn't want to hustle himself, so I did it for him."

"So you gave him drugs…all week long."

"Yes," Marluxia smiled as he turned proudly to his bartender, who slipped in a wink to his boss between juggling newly washed glasses from their racks to the counter. The pink haired man blew him a kiss and turned to Luxord, face dropping blank at his expression. "What?"

"You do realize he could have a heart attack."

"He's dead Luxord."

"Yeah, but he did get hit by an 18-Wheeler and flat-lined for 10 minutes. It might be temporary death, but it's still death, and I'm pretty sure he's going to hate you if he goes into cardiac arrest in the middle of work."

"Why do you think _you're_ here?"

"You promised me free drinks."

"And you wouldn't have come if I hadn't." Marluxia sighed and folded his arms, leaning against the counter as Sephiroth made his way down to their end with two bins filled with dirty glasses

"Hey fairy."

"Hey gorgeous," Marluxia snickered, watching him vanish into the kitchen, dancing artfully around two waiters which he would've run over on any other day. "See? Look how chipper he is, it's like he's a whole new employee I never hired!"

Luxord cringed and twirled his glass of gin and tonic between his hands. "Has he stroked yet?"

"Twice actually, but I don't think he's noticed yet."

"What? That he's limping on his left leg?"

"No…maybe…I dunno." Marluxia pulled a face and sighed, curling a strand of hair nervously behind one ear. "How many times do you think you can die before it starts to seriously damage you?"

"I don't think it works like that. If there's any neurological damage, his dead cells should be able to fix themselves back to the moment when he died, but really Marly, you can't abuse that ability. His body still needs time to heal itself, and having him hyped up on this shit's gonna really screw that up."

"Damnit. Well, it _was _a brilliant idea while it lasted." They stood in silence, watching the frenzied general looking entirely too pleased with himself and the world to really notice that he was sweating and twitching.

"Now if we could only get him to sit down so his leg will stop spasming."

"Good luck with that." Luxord sighed, shifting uncomfortably in his trench coat, wrapping it tighter around him and looked back over his shoulder. A gaggle of men and three lesbians had been eyeing him since he'd come in wearing Xemnas' white heeled shoes and uniform, and though Marluxia had no intension of giving him free drinks for the entire night, he was too nervous to get up and go back to work with the vultures watching him this closely. "Gimme a phone Marly, I know how to solve this."

--------------

"So…let me get this straight, you're a Tokophobic(1), a Pedophobic(2) and you're pregnant…"

(1): Fear of childbirth

(2): Fear of children

The mousey looking brunette of a woman, large dark eyes, expecting twins, nodded furiously at Xemnas' diagnosis of her case from what she'd been prattling on about for little over 4 hours, or from what he cared to pay attention to. She seemed completely stressed out by the fact that sometimes, during condom-less heterosexual sex, you got results, unlike what the movies tell you, and get stuck with them for 9 months. For the fourth time that day, Xemnas was glad he had a penis.

Sighing tiredly, he tossed his notepad to some corner of the room and leaned forward, beckoning her with a finger. "Come here, I have a secret to tell you….no, closer." He waited till she was practically in his lap, cleared his throat and whispered: "You're not tokophobic and you're not pedophobic."

"…I'm not?"

"No, you're a dumbass."

"Hey bitch, you can-"

"Have you ever had kids?"

"Erm…no, wh-"

"Then how do you know you're a toko/pedophobic?"

"I…don't…?"

"Good answer," he patted her head with a derisive smile. "Now get your ass to the pregnancy options therapist on the 4th floor and quit wasting my time."

"Okay." Slowly, she got up from her chair opposite her former therapist, trying to use all her brain cells to rationalize with herself that her child was _not _going to eat its way out of her stomach as she'd told him. She was half-way to the door when it flew open and hit her in the face.

A blonde antennae-ed head poked around the door frame, and a pixie's face dropped to look at the crumpled woman on the floor.

"Stupid bitch. Should'a watched where she was goin," Larxene shrugged, nudging the door open as much as it would with an obstruction, and turned to Xemnas with a less than pleasant smile. "Brought you an early X-mas present."

"More paperwork?" Xemnas, despite himself, was casting a worried eye to the woman on the floor. That blow wouldn't be good for the baby…then again, if the kid came out as dim-witted and submissive as her, it might not greatly affect its personality.

"No, something better, because it had the decency to walk itself up here," she said with a nod of her head, stepping aside and shoved Saix into the room with one of her heeled feet. Saix, stumbled for a comical two seconds before catching himself and sent the Nymph a venomous look, which rolled off her like rice paper as she smirked sweetly.

"Saix?"

The blunette snapped his head about, eyes trained on the rising figure of his Superior, looking, oddly, genuinely surprised to see him…or maybe that was just him doing self-projection or something. Either way, reality or not, it didn't help dislodge the grapefruit sized lump that'd gotten stuck in his throat. It was suddenly _too_ hot and _too_ crowded in here. For lack of anything intelligent to say, though he'd practiced what he would say about 12 times in the bathroom mirror, Saix nodded and decided on his usual response, a simple: "Sir."

"What…" Xemnas shook his head a bit. "What are you doing here?" Nothing reprimanding; a friendly inquiry.

"I…I'm…that is," behind his back, Saix was tearing a piece of paper to shreds as he shifted his weight smoothly. "I came to-"

"The Guild sent him here for anger management and psychotherapy."

"Thank you voice box, anything else you want to announce while you're at it?" Saix glowered, again, wishing, for the 10th time that day that he had his Claymore (The Guild detained it after the small riot he'd caused in the Registrar, oh, and kicked a 500 year old child).

"Listen heathen, you weren't movin fast enough, and I've got work to do. I've got 20 some odd kids running about completely unsupervised," Larxene grumbled, staring at her watch and got irritated all over again. "Shit, Judy and Samuel are probably in the glue again. I'll leave you boys alone, I have damage control to dish out."

Xemnas peered around Saix, watching Larxene huff her way down the hallway, barking something about 'No Cheese Newts for a month' on her way around a corner, knocking mugs of coffee out of the hands of three people and ducked through the door.

Silence reigned for a few confused minutes.

"Judy and Samuel?"

"She's a kindergarten teacher," Saix explained.

"…Wonder who decided that."

"The same people that decided that I'd make an excellent florist."

"I'm getting a little tired of the flavor of irony wafting about this place."

"Yes, sir, I couldn't agree more." The Berserker had been staring at a spot on the floor, trying to exert a certain mental will upon it that would allow him to disintegrate and meld through the floor. A short airy laugh brought him out of it, and he raised his head, staring with baffled confusion as he watched the smile that spread over Xemnas' face as he leaned against the edge of his desk, hands supporting his weight.

He'd _never _seen him smile, no one had, because Xemnas didn't smile. Xemnas was stoic. This was cause for alarm, and a raising of a blue eyebrow. "Sir? Did I…" He looked behind him for a moment at the door, then back to his leader, whose smile had receded but the glow of its aftermath was still brushed gently across his face. "Did I say something peculiar?"

"No, no," Xemnas waved a hand in the air absently. "It's just…well," he _almost _smiled again, but he looked too distracted to finish the motion. "I've just forgotten how formal you are."

"Oh…" Saix shifted nervously, not entirely sure of what to do and made an unusually contorted face. "I'm sorry?"

"It's nothing to apologize for. It's apart of your character," he trailed off, seeming to want to add more to that, but whatever he was going to add slipped away from him. He sighed, tossing a bit of hair over his shoulder and motioned to the anxious looking yellow eyed man in the doorway. "Well, come in then, I take it from Larxene's end of it, your going to be one of my clients?"

"Ah, yes," Saix woke up then, closing the door behind him and strode over to a chair closest to the desk. He would've sat down, but Xemnas was still standing, digging through folders, probably looking for his file or something, and he would've felt funny about sitting before his Superior had. Old habit. Moving on. "Eh…no one's written me up a file."

"What was that?" Xemnas looked up, and the look of sudden emotion in his eyes made Saix get stuck all over again. What the hell was up with this man? He'd never shown this much animation in his entire drab Nobody existence, well, except when he was monologuing, but those usually took 3 and a half hours, so that didn't count.

Xemnas studied him, eyes narrowed in thought as he tilted his head slightly. "Saix?"

"…?...Oh yes, I was saying that no one has written up a file for me yet, sir."

"Are you alright?"

"…Me?"

"Yes you, who else would I be talking to?" The line of strained confusion tightened the Diviner's jawline, as he realized there was more tease and less stern threading its way into Xemnas' voice at that last comment. A smile tempted to tug at the corners of his mouth again, so Xemnas went back to stacking folders as the search for Saix profile was abandoned to the boonies. "Well, I should've known, M.E.R.C.Y. has this annoying habit of sending me crazy people without any background work done on them."

"Is that why there's a Strawberry Shortcake band-aid on your cheek?"

"Yes, from a blonde woman who should've been sent to anger management." He paused to roll up his shirt sleeve, exposing the ace bandage just below his elbow. "Black haired man, 10:30 this morning; bipolar."

"Impressive," Saix smirked.

"Yes, it'll be impressive if I can get through the rest of this day in one piece," he said rolling his eyes. He'd just sat down when the phone rang. He stared at it, wondering if he'd be charged again for throwing it out the window on grounds that it was a phantom stalker, decided that he didn't want to fork over the money to replace the phone line being ripped out of the wall again, and answered with a lazy "Hello?"

"_Xemnas?"_

"Yes…" Head tilt. "Why are you calling me?"

"_I can't call you at work? You didn't tell me I couldn't call you at work, you should've said that you know, or else I wouldn't have, but you didn't so I'm calling you now."_

Xemnas looked up at Saix, who caught the puzzled look and sent him a questioning glance. Xemnas shrugged. "Well, I'm sort of with a client, er, future client, is this something important?"

"_Yes, yes, very important. Can you talk now? Because that'd be great, but if you can't that's fine too, I'll just wait for you at home then, okak-wait…hold on… I'm getting light-headed again, give me a minute-"_

"Sephiroth, are you alright? You sound…doped."

"Sephiroth?" Saix twitched…a sign of irritation…accented by the grinding of teeth at hearing a presumably male name rolling off his superior's tongue.

"My partner," Xemnas missed the teeth grinding fest, as there was a man hyperventilating in his ear. "Sephiroth…you sound like your going to stroke…"

"_I think I might, could you meet me downstairs? Outside? Around the corner?"_

"Wait, you're here?" Xemnas rose slowly from his chair to press his face against the glass of his window. From his 3rd floor view, there wasn't anything outside that looked like a silver haired 6 foot plus psychopath dancing about in the streets. Outside of the usual bum yammering about Armageddon, it seemed like a normal over-cast Saturday afternoon. "Where are you, I don't see you?"

After a bit of static the line went dead, and so did Xemnas' pulse, well, figuratively speaking. He was fairly sure the general wasn't screwing with him, because he wasn't a screw with you sort of guy (well, outside the bedroom anyway), and since he'd sounded like he was having a crappy trip, Xemnas figured he should hunt him down and beat him into unconsciousness before he could do anymore damage to himself.

"Tss, of course this would happen in the middle of _my _day," he spat, snatching his black blazer from the back of his chair and slipped it on as he made his way towards the door, trailed closely by the blue haired wonder, wearing a mix of worried animosity. Saix was just full of contradictory emotions lately.

"Sir, anything the matter?"

"Yes, my partner's a closet drug addict is what's the matter," Xemnas grumbled, leading them through a crowd of people and over to a bored looking receptionist, letting the phone ring, as she filed her nails. "I knew he was a nut, just didn't think he was a crack nut. You, with the hair," he nudged a paper weight on the receptionist's desk to get her attention, who looked up form behind her rectangular frames and gave him a look as interested as a child is interested in its new pet Iguana after the flare wears off. "I want you to put him down in my schedule for the end of this week. A good 4 hour block should be fine."

_4_ whole hours with the Superior. Saix was trying very hard to think innocent thoughts.

Coming out of himself, he looked to the hand Xemnas had placed on his shoulder, suppressing the urge to suffocate him in the hug he'd been wanting to give him for just about his entire non-existence. It would've been a manly hug, with the whole clapping on the back and all, nothing silly and uke-ish as a school girl's crushing embrace. He was Saix after all, and he had Saix standards to uphold.

"If I don't see you again today, it means I had to go to the hospital to get my partners stomach pumped before he dies…again." Xemnas waited a moment for a response from the man, but he received a shallow nod in return, which he should've expected and also didn't _want_ to expect at all. Nodding in return, Xemnas gave a few people whiplash on his way into the elevator and stabbed 'Lobby' with agitated fervency.

--------------

And _still_ there was no sign of him.

He'd walked up and down the block, spoken to the same three bums who slept in the corners of the building, harassed a hot dog vendor, and still the silver haired schizoid eluded him. Standing on the corner of the street, looking lost and confused, Xemnas slowly began to wonder if maybe someone was playing a tastelessly cliché'd joke on him. Any minute now, Ashton Kutcher was going to pop out of nowhere and proclaim him Punk'd, but Xemnas didn't know who the hell Ashton Kutcher was, so it probably wouldn't happen…though it would be entirely entertaining if it did-

"Would you stop babbling?! I'm trying to shiver anxiously here!"

Sorry Xemnas.

A woman promptly dragged her daughter away from the screaming silver haired lunatic, making a 'tsk'ing sound as she shuffled off.

_Maybe he exploded._ Xemnas reasoned, turning about in a circle, before making his way down the sidewalk, shivering a bit and wishing he'd brought a scarf. Cold sucked. He was getting to the mouth of an alley when a screeching sounded from some ways off, and upon turning around with a frown pressed upon his face, was just in time to see a plumber's van swerve in front of him, sliding door flying open, and a hand sucking him in as his muffled scream was cut off by the slamming of a door and the revving of an engine.

'_Pissed off'_ was totally not the right phrase to describe Xemnas' current state of mind. We'd need a ludicrous amount of senseless expletives to come even close. He was going to make whoever had the _audacity _to abduct him regret it, and he'd been kicking and screaming since he'd been spirited away off the sidewalk. Currently he was busy scraping his legs along the floor of the van and chewing savagely into his assailants arm till he tasted blood, despite being shaken violently about and yelled at.

"…mnas!...Xemnas!!"

_Screw you, __**I **__am the Superior, and you're getting your share of what you bit off, even if I have to shove it down your throat with my foot!_

"Xemnas!"

"Shut up and stop talking to me! Just ra-….Sephiroth?" He was going to say something else, just as soon as his brain made the transition from shock to pissed off again, when a pair of lips sucked all intelligence out of his head for a minute. Xemnas was just registering that he was being kissed when he found a tongue in his mouth, and a pair of scalding hands locked about the sides of his face. He squirmed, a muffled screech of protest suffocated by the elated sigh of pleasure from the man currently vampire-ing all his oxygen. The van took a sharp left, and Xemnas took that unbalanced moment to push away from him and give the general a colossal sized bitch slap across the face.

"_Ow!_ What the fuck?!"

"Don't take my lines! What the _hell _is _wrong_ with you?!"

"A lot of things, now shut up and kiss me."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, _wait!_" Surprisingly Sephiroth didn't attack him again, just sort of stared at him all fish out of water like. Xemnas took a huge breath, letting it out slowly. "Okay…now…let me ask you, with your full and complete attention: Are you alright?"

"I had a stroke today and Luxord says I might have a heart attack later."

"Luxord?"

"Yes, he was at the bar today. Marluxia called him when I had the stroke, I told you about that didn't I? I swear I did, I don't remember-"

Xemnas sniffed pointedly, grasped the pale, blush tinted hands cupping his face, pulling them away and squeezed them tightly. "I'm pretty sure I've said it already, but you're fucking insane."

"And I've been horny and mildly euphoric for an entire week…and manic, and restless, and confused, and it's driving me crazy."

"…Darling." Xemnas tugged at one of his fingers threateningly. Over the past few weeks, Sephiroth had noticed that whenever Xemnas used terms of romantic endearment, it meant he was about to do bodily harm to him, and not in the kinky S&M way.

"I'm not kidding Xemnas, I'm serious, as serious as I can be, it's hard to think; I've got a hard on that feels like a molten lead pipe." He was doing the twitching leg thing again, and Xemnas thought that, with the large blush that'd stained his pale complexion, seeping down into the collar of his work shirt, and the fact that he kept swaying like a drunkard, maybe…just _maybe_, he wasn't fucking with him.

"…You do look a bit queasy now that I think about it."

"I feel like my brain's going to burst a few vessels. Sex?"

"Wh-what?" Xemnas spluttered. "Here? Now?!"

"Yes. Here. Now. I'm going to pass out-"

"Sephiroth, I'm _not_ having sex in a van!"

"The van is moving."

"Fine, a _moving _van!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's weird."

"Well, it was better than what I'd originally thought. I don't think my co-workers would be pleased about us having sex in the walk in fridge."

"_What?!_"

"Forget about it, it didn't happen so don't worry about it, Xemnas please, I swear I'll stroke in a minute and I don't want my whole right side to go this time before I get any."

"But-" The Nobody was going to ask him how the hell he could have a stroke so many times in one day and _not _feel the affects, but then he had a face full of desperate man in his space. Sephiroth was already tearing his shirt open before he even got the second word out, sucking at his neck with a vengeance only seen in overprotective infants with softball sized lollipops. Faintly, the brush of teeth and tongue along his neck, along the tendon, the dip formed by his collar bone, registered in his mind, and a disgruntled squeak (very un-Xemnas-like) cut out of him as he was forced against the floor of the car.

Visions of the Shower Incident started floating about in his head, and he panicked for a minute as a hand was steadily shaking him out of his pants. "S-Sephiroth-" _Wait a minute!_ Sephiroth wasn't listening, he was too busy trailing feathery wet kisses down his chest, preceded by a hand, insistently pressing along the contours of a tanned stomach, down, wasting no time in reaching their goal and grasping Xemnas' impartial length, massaging in firm circular motions.

If he hadn't been so utterly overwhelmed and heartless he would've cried a river of angst ridden tears. But thankfully, Xemnas is not so overly emotional in that sense, and instead settled upon grabbing a fist full of silver hair and yanking sharply on it.

"_Ow!_ What?!"

"Slow _down!_ Lord, you're acting like you need to get in a quick fuck before the apocalypse!"

"Sorry, it's a side effect."

"Of what?"

"Ephedrines. Luxord said they were in the water I've been drinking all week. They're screwing up my nerves."

"You've had Ephedrines in your system all week? No wonder you're so wired, why aren't you dead yet?"

"Already dead; can we continue please? I have a headache."

"I suppose, just don't give yourself a heart attack half way through."

After recuperating from a sharp right turn, Sephiroth set to work on sucking all the air out of the Nobody's lungs again. Truthfully, with him all hyped up and crazy like this, it was giving Xemnas non-existent irregular heart palpitations, which was probably not a good thing, as he felt like his head was going to fall off and roll up against a crate of monkey wrenches from lack of oxygen. But that was a minor easily overlooked detail in all this.

Halfway through his ardent stale-mate of a tongue war with the man squirming beneath him, a pair of arms wrapped themselves about Sephiroth's neck, accompanied by a leg slung across his back, pulling him, gravitating him closer to him as a throaty sigh on par with a whine left the man struggling to breathe through the onslaught.

If he'd been in a better state of mind, he would've played out his deep seated love of whimpering, helpless, victims, and tormented Xemnas for a full half hour, but he was pretty sure he didn't have a half hour, so he moved on, because constant motion seemed to distract from his brain slowly melting in its own juices. Upon drawing back to suck at his bottom lip, he forcibly detangled one of Xemnas' arms from about his neck and sucked on the first two fingers. _Should've bought vanilla ice cream._

Xemnas gave him a snotty look and in irritated growl, not at _all _pleased that he'd chosen to break their kiss so quickly, and pulled the wild eyed man back down, crushing their lips together, fingers still stuck in the other man's mouth but not seeming to give a rats ass about it. Smirking beside himself, because now Xemnas was mad and distracted, the swordsman wrenched his free arm from between their bodies and latched onto Xemnas' arousal again, making a note to commend him on getting hard in record time, and jerked mercilessly at him.

The first few tugs on his manhood were an unwelcome smack back into the present, but the motion steadily wore on him, bored into him, drilling a hole of repressed want into his abdomen, and he had to pull away from Sephiroth to breath, get back what was lost, slowing loosing itself, getting forced out of him with each commanding jerk of the general's hand in the form of gasps struggling to be words. It didn't seem enough, to simply lurch his hips up into his hand and be sated through the motion, and it was because the swordsman had command of him, guiding his movements in such a way that he no longer had power over them. His hips weren't connected to his brain. They were connected to Sephiroth, his hand, his wrist, his arm, connected to his brain, taking its signals through him.

Watching Xemnas struggle to regain some semblance of a personal rhythm was entrancing and arrogantly thrilling to him, and the frustration was written all over his sweaty tanned face, as with every thrust of his hips that he attempted to regain control, Sephiroth would change his pace all together, forcing his movements in time to his desire. He'd done it because he knew Xemnas would fight it. He would demand to follow his own pace, regardless of circumstance or silver haired hindrance, and he'd wear himself out into climax, which he did thankfully, because Sephiroth wasn't sure how much more his wrist could take.

Xemnas came with a sort of spasming gasp of shock, shaking all over as he struggled against the swordsman's hold on him, both wanting to be close to him, close enough to meld, but wanting to be as far from him as possible, so he could throw something heavy at his head for being an ass. "Mnn…bah-bastard," Xemnas growled between shaky, breathless kisses, hanging off him as he was sure his body forgot it'd possessed bones.

"Shut up, you know you like it," Sephiroth responded lazily, lathering three fingers over Xemnas' abdomen, coating them with as much of his seed as was manageable. Fantastically enough, he was still feeling like he could run 8 miles, so he didn't think twice about shoving his middle and index finger inside the Nobody, pausing halfway inside him as the man started hissing at him.

"Gaa-_oooow! _I hate you! I hate you! I _hate _you!"

"How many times have I told you to relax? You're going to hurt yourself getting so tense-"

"Shut up! I can't concentrate with you ah-admonishing me!" Eyes sliding shut, he turned his focus inward, in to the burning sensation, lifting one of his hips, rubbing his leg along the other male's heated sides, urging him to continue, and he did, after an agonizing ten seconds of stillness. Slowly, horribly slow, and no matter what sort of squirming he did, no mater how he twisted his hips to meet the fingers probing, searching about inside him, before withdrawing, Sephiroth insisted on his pace and his pace alone.

"Aa-aah huhn—"

"What's that?"

"Nnn…yauhn-You…suck…"

"Well, if you really want me to," Sephiroth smirked as he made to withdraw his fingers, drawing just outside his entrance, ducking his head in time to dodge another slap.

"Don't…You. _Dare._"

"As you wish," Sephiroth responded darkly, forcing three slickened fingers inside the man, gently, slowly, but with undue force. He found himself entranced with the crescendo of throaty calls, flinching only marginally as nails dug into his back, raking, clutching, as the Nobody's hips were doing; rising, trying to push up against something beside the solid unyielding body above him. Hypnotically he watched him, curling his fingers to brush against a spot that makes Xemnas gasp and shiver, fingers of one hand plucking at the air as he whined, and it occurred to him how easily undone he could be, if any one of his enemies knew how to break this headstrong leader. It was his secret now-Sephiroth smiled- his alone.

Retracting all but one sporadically twitching finger, to which he was tormenting Xemnas' prostate like a kitten attacks a ball of yarn, he loomed over him, watching it drive the golden eyed man into a frenzy of sobbish-moans. Sephiroth changed his pace; sudden, quick, frenzied; slow, unhurried, lazy, and back again, and he was sure that with all the noise he was making, Xemnas was going to either start crying out or begging. He wanted him to, wanted him to need his pleasure, knowing he had no control over it, but any thoughts of that were wrenched from his mind when he yanked sharply on his hair, again, snarling irritably at him.

"Get ON with it!"

"I know I said something about pulling out my hair. I think I said I get to gut you and hang you upside down by your small intestine, does that sound right?"

Xemnas' expression went blank for a moment as he considered this, before he caved under the slightest of movements from the swordsman's finger. He was teasing him. He hated being teased-but he liked it…which made _no _sense whatsoever. The strain in his re-hardened erection was traveling its way up his stomach, into his throat and onto his face, and he forced Sephiroth back into another hungry kiss, body reheating with its escalated urgency.

Pulling away for a moment, flicking the tip of his tongue against the Nobody's, down to nip at his lips, he hovered over him, absorbing the heat and the lingering taste of something like lunch's root beer, before sliding his finger out of him, slipping a hand beneath his knee and hooked his leg up and around his waist. Xemnas stiffened beneath him and something wanting to be a protest left him.

"What? Really? Now? After all this time you _still _don't want to go all the way?!"

"N-no, it's not that," Xemnas made a face, squirming uncomfortably. "S'just my back still hurts from when you threw me at the door."

"Oh…" Sephiroth released his hold and allowed Xemnas to situate himself to his liking, much to the general's irritation, but he didn't want to get an earful about it later when he'd pretzeled himself into a hernia. "Better?"

"A little."

"It's a little late to worry about back pain."

"Yeah, well, I'd like to not show up at work in a wheel chair toma-_aaahAH!_" Sephiroth had noted that Xemnas never paid much attention to things while he was speaking (which was why he hardly noticed any of his members sleeping through his sermons), so he very sneakily positioned himself at his entrance, nudging, pushing, finally thrusting firmly, slowly, inside of him with a much needed groan of pleasure as his warmth drew him deeper. He didn't want to give the man any time to get nervous like he usually did, but he totally wasn't ready for a scream like that. It sounded like 12 cats getting run over on a weak radio frequency.

Sephiroth cringed. "Damnit, I knew you were related to something feline."

"You insidious bastard that fucking _hurt!_" Xemnas wailed, shivering unhappily, wrapping his arms tightly about the other's neck, trying to strangle him but finding he just didn't have the strength to, what with the _throbbing_ and the _burning _sensation assaulting his tightened channel. Xemnas was not amused. "Fucking…_gah-ah! _You miserable rotted _shit!_"

"Mmm, obscenities, how sexily filthy of you Xemnas."

"_Fuck you!_"

"Yee—sss, talk dirty to me Xemnas. It pleases the sociopath," Sephiroth purred teasingly, licking along his neck, up the vein, and nibbled the flesh of his earlobe, applying a light pressure. Drawing out of him, just outside his entrance, he forced his way back in, eliciting another surprised, painful yelp from Xemnas along with an expressive expletive mixed with a gasp.

"What was that? I don't think I heard you right."

"Ha-aaah—Sephiroth it hurts what the hells the _matter _with you?!"

"Hark, is that the melo---dious sound of begging that mine ears heareth?" Sephiroth drawled, accenting each drawn out word with quick fervent thrusts.

"N-aah-a—aa-ah-NO! Xemnas does no-aaa-_mnnnaaah!—_does not _beg!_"

"Are you sure? That sounded like a _begging _tone of voice to me," he hummed menacingly (in a purely affectionate way of course) breaking his sentence off roughly to grip the Nobody's hips tightly and restrained his movements as he dished out a few harsh thrusts on '_begging'._

Oddly enough, despite the fact that he was _not pleased _at having Sephiroth tease him while he wasn't in a proper state of mind to conjure up a decent witty retort, the masochist in him, which he hadn't known existed till just recently, was having a tough time not enjoying this. He couldn't move, unless Sephiroth willed it, completely at the mercy of the fingers digging sharply into his hips, holding him, binding him to the will of an external body of which he had no control over. It was maddeningly wonderful, and sickeningly erotic. Seemed Xemnas was full of senseless contradictions today as well.

At a point, some part of the general's length brushed just so against that collection of nerves he'd been tormenting him with for 5 minutes, and every fiber of every muscle stiffened at the static knives of pleasure clawing throughout them, a lightheadness cramming his head full of heat and alien sensations.

Sephiroth paused, because it looked like Xemnas had stopped breathing. "Wait…did I?"

"Yes, yes! _Mon dieu_, there! Again!"

Lifting one of his hips higher, he angled his thrusts, searching relentlessly for that spot within him, noted that he'd struck it again on the third jerking motion when Xemnas screamed something else in French and dug his fingers into his spine. The Nobody was aching all over, didn't have the strength to keep his muscles in a solid state, ascending to trembling and liquid words. He couldn't fight against the general's pace anymore, and whether it's because he no longer can or he no longer wants to is beyond him, but the tight hold on his hips and waist are reassurance enough. So he lets go, basks in the dull pain of erratic thrusts slamming into him as the swordsman nears his peak, his ragged breathe coming in harsh coughs beside his ear, the heat of this mans body, the body of a labeled monster like himself, warming him, filling him from the inside out, and just before the Xemnas comes with a searing wail of rapture, he comes to the conclusion that no other person has ever given him such pain, such grief, such interest and such pleasure as this man has—and he adores him for it.

Sephiroth was probably planning to fuck him so far into next week that it'd take a team of surgeons to pull last Wednesday out of his ass, but after the distinctly peculiar sensation of a stream of sticky warmth surged into him, the silver haired male promptly passed out, and had been thus for the past 15 minutes. In all honesty Xemnas could've gone another round, with a shot of morphine to dull the pain in his lower back, but he also had to work tomorrow so it wouldn't have been a wise decision. He was already unsure of how he was going to stand up and walk without looking like a penguin.

Blowing a strand of sweaty hair from his face, he turned his attention to the psychopath tangled about his waist, using him as an oversized teddy bear as he continued dreaming about whatever Sephiroth's dream about. He didn't want to know. No one wants to know. Squirming about for a moment, Xemnas extracted his arms from beneath his embrace, shaking them to get the blood circulating again, wrapping one loosely about his shoulders, the other running fingers through his hair, along his face and neck. He sighed, grumpily, because he wanted a shower to get Sephiroth off and out of him, and he couldn't get to one 'cause he was still in a god_damn_ van going who knows _where_.

"Tss. You couldn't just take me to a hotel like everyone else does, could you?"

Nope, he couldn't, because then Xemnas wouldn't have found him all the more entertaining.

"You're _still_ in my head?"

I'm the damn narrator, its sorta part of the job description.

"…"

What?

"You watched us have sex again."

Yeah?...And?

"Was it hot?"

o.O…What?

"The sex, was the sex hot? Because if it wasn't, I can wake this guy up and we can start all over again."

Ah, er…no, that's okay, it was good sex.

"Just _good?_ I know we can do better than good, Sephiroth wake up!"

Ack no, no, no! It's fine! I actually have a prior engagement to get to! (If you listen closely, the sound of the 4th wall being hurriedly patched back up, accompanied by skittery footsteps, can be heard through the odd curse).

"Offer a voyeur a chance to 'choose their own ending' and they freak and run," Xemnas smirked triumphantly, pressing a gentle kiss to the crown of the slumbering sociopath's head. "Works every time."

--------------

"You think when he sobers up he'll go after Marluxia for the ephedrine thing?"

"I doubt he'll even know it was Marluxia that doped him to begin with. Right about now he's probably going around the bar, spiking water with ephedrine, just to make the circumstances more believable."

"Yeah, that sounds like him."

Luxord fidgeted again in his seat, glad to be back in his usual medical attire of white collared shirt, black tie, pants, and white lab coat, but not at all happy that he'd had the bright idea to have Xaldin abduct Xemnas with a raging Sephiroh cloistered in the back. For at least an hour, the blonde gambler had been flipping through the white noise fuzz of radio stations, trying to zero in on an 80's music station that kept wanting to be Talk Radio every two minutes.

Xaldin had threatened to stab him if he kept touching his radio, even if it was a radio in a stolen plumber's van, and slipped in a burnt CD to distract the blonde from the lilting wails of their superior. It worked for a while, but their thoughts went off the deep end when _Date Rape, _and _Maneater_ popped up just around his second climax.

There wasn't much for them to talk about, with the sounds of two megalomaniacs doing the horizontal monster mash behind them in the windowless enclosure. Xaldin himself was trying to ignore the itch in his pants, and keep Luxord from climbing out the passenger side window every time they passed a strip club.

Luxord had a licorice stick in his mouth, forgotten. "How long we gonna drive around?"

"Dunno."

My blonde looked quizzically over to him.

"Unless you want to make a sudden stop and explain to Xemnas how we had a hand in this, I'm going to drive around till something comes to me."

"We should've stuck with the guy's freezer idea. It would've made this a little easier."

"No, because I happen to like that place now, and I don't want to have to question the contents of my ranch dressing if I decide I want to go back there for dinner tonight."

"Yeah, well..." Luxord looked at his watch. It was almost 7:30. They'd been driving for 4 hours. "Should I throw some nerve gas back there to knock em out?"

"In another hour or so. I have to pick up a rich cradle robbing old woman and drive her to meet her date 40 some odd years younger than her."

"Ah, sounds scandalous. Want some licorice?"

"No, thank you. I just brushed my teeth."

"Tss, old man."

--------------

Larxene had had a very bad day.

Three times she'd had to pull a toy fire truck out of the same kids mouth, five times she'd had to get some kids to quit eating paste, somehow, one of the kids cut their head on the toilet seat, and she'd just finished scrubbing crayon marks from the wall when a splap of hot pink finger paint hit the space to her left. Fortunately, she was Larxene, and after a brief electric jolt, managed to get The Hooligans under control. They slept for the rest of the day, limbs twitching every now and then.

Now it was close to midnight, because she'd needed the pick me up at the bar, and after walking through the park barefoot, kicking bums and small animals, she was now ready to pass out for the next three years.

If it hadn't been for the morons sleeping on her front porch.

"Listen bitches, I've had a very bad day, and if you don't move your lumps of useless out of my way, I'm scrambling your brains and serving you as snack for The Hooligans tomorrow."

One of the shapes shifted on her front steps, and despite the fact that it was a very large shape, Larxene wasn't at all worried, but this shape, whoever he was (she assumed it was male because if it was an Amazon woman, she just might be fucked), didn't seem like they were too bright. She smiled, for it was her duty to enlighten. Bending her head a touch, the rims of her pupils lit for a moment, a yellow stab of collective energy as she forced all her will into the core of her being, stretching down one of her arms, snaking, rising, and had her hand above her head, ready to slam it into the ground and give this idiot a heart attack he'd never forget, when something small and skittery screamed and flung itself in her way.

She only stopped because she knew the voice, Samuel's voice, and Samuel was a pretty cool kid because he was a closet arsonist with the temperament of a porcupine. It'd be such a waste to fry a potential prodigy.

But that totally didn't explain why he was here, at her house, getting in the way of releasing some pent up work rage. "Sammy?" _And_ it was 4 hours past his bedtime. "Your mom's gonna tear herself a new one if she finds you here."

"It's okay, mom's out with some guy." Divorce's suck. "But Miss Larxene, you can't hurt these guys they need your help! They were looking for you and they said they knew you and the green eyed dude doesn't look so good and he might die and that would totally suck because then I'd have to deal with dead bodies and then this other guy here might cry and be upset." Samuel was the master of comma-less sentences. Dashing to her side and, despite the electric jolt it sent through him, dragged the blank faced little woman over to the figures taking up entirely too much space on her front porch, chattering away like a squirrel on speed.

"Sammy, did you take your meds yet? You need to before I electrocute you and put you into a comma."

"Okay, okay, okay, will do, but you've gotta help these guys Miss Larxene-"

"Damnit Samuel! What the hell did I say about calling me Miss?!"

"Ow! Static! Brain! Sorry, sorry, but that's totally a trivial undercurrent of the current importance of a situation that you're needing to deal with because you can totally fix everything Miss Larxene!" Samuel also used very big words for a 5 year old when he didn't have drugs in his system.

She didn't have time to beat him over the head with the bag slung over her shoulder, because very soon she wasn't really thinking all that much, staring wide eyed, confused as all hell, as Lexaeus raised his head from beneath an impressively large dark cloak wrapped about his frame. His powerful face was lacking in strength this fine damp evening, frazzled, tired, and the gentle being that he was seemed like it had expended all of its kindness in favor of hopelessness for the moment.

"I'm sorry to have bothered you so late at night," he said calmly, "But you were the first one that I was able to find given the time constraints."

"Look, if you're hard up on your luck, then forget it. Its bad enough they're not paying me enough for this gig, but there's no way in hell I'm getting a roommate to-"

"Roommate? Why, what ever gave you such a silly idea. No sooner would I relive high school than, what's the term?-_shack up_ with a sadist."

Sharp blue eyes flicked to the left side of her porch, centering in on another familiar face she wouldn't mind not seeing again. It wouldn't kill her not to see any of them again really, but with the way Vexen looked right now, half-dead…twice, and for the fact that no amount of hard luck was going to turn him into a roaming bum, she figured that maybe there was some plot worthy shit finally going on that required her attention.

"What…What the hell happened to you?"

"Attempted disintegration…I think," he faltered for a moment as it seemed his entire physical form blurred out and in, and Larxene was at his side before he took a nose dive into her azalea's, arms about his shoulders as he moaned tiredly, guiding him to sit back on the topmost step of her porch. He looked distractedly to her, shaking his head, wishing to dismiss her services, uncomfortable with the offer itself. "I'm fine now, just a touch of light-headedness. It'll pass in a moment."

"Oh shut up you damned idiot, you're not fine, you look like the ghost of Christmas past," Larxene spat, pulling her goth buckled jacket off her shoulders and on to his, slipping her arms around his waist to pull him back on his feet. "Trust me, it's not a sexy look for you."

"So I've noticed. Apparently the half-sane scientist or vampire image suits me better."

"Tss, don't believe everything you read in fanfics; I thought you had the PhD to remember that Vex."

"I blame any unintelligence on the half of my mind that hasn't finished reforming itself yet," he sighed, turning his attention to the Silent Hero, standing now, holding another figure in his arms wrapped in layers of cloth and looking overly eager to get under a roof. Larxene found his impatience disconcerting, mostly because Lex wasn't the sort of man to fall to impatience as readily as some of the others, so she nodded curtly and after fighting with the sticky lock on her door, dragged her cargo inside, shadowed by the 5 year old Spelling Bee wonder.

"I've got cider if anyone wants any."

"Thank you kindly, but it might be a night for coffee," Vexen added slowly, turning his sunken fragile face to the yellow haired nut frowning up at him. She quirked her mouth to one side and sniffed.

"I was hoping you weren't gonna say that."

_----___

**Mille: **ANGST! But yes, very slowly the dark underbelly of the plot starts to rear its ugly head, but fear not, this won't detract from the humor, since morbidity can always be served with a dash of comedy...'course, then you get a dark comedy, but those are fun too I guess.

Leave me reviews and chicken pot pie:D


	11. Chapter 11

**Mille: **Oh wow, check this out. Took me half of forever to update. I hate having a life. Anyone want to, like, work at a Mexican Grill in my place or something? You'd get updates faster…

-----

**Volurin: **Hey, it would've been sex in a morgue, but I wasn't sure how to work that in. Though, funny you should mention a threesome as I was just thinking how to work that in with some relevance.

**TwistedAffection: **Yes, Saix needs more love, but sadly, shall get only a fraction of it seeing as he isn't the main pairing. So much angst, you could cut it with a hack saw now. Not sure about the reader thing myself. I think people are just lurking and being shy about reviewing. x3

**Jewlin-chan: **Unfortunately it wasn't Zexion, I'm not sure where he is actually. He won't return any of my calls. D:

**t0nifasic: **Yes, crack pairings, I just love a good crack pairing, and if you read between the text, Seph and Xemnas aren't the only pairings in here.

**Mix Golden Phoenix: **Saix…sex…how strangely often those two go hand in hand with each other.

**Levi:** Yay! New reviewer! Well, so glad I could pop your Seph/Xemnas cherry. I do hope I can hold your attention till the bitter end.

**postitnotesarelife: **Your penname speaks volumes of truth. I couldn't function if it were not for the note of post it. And much thanks for leaving me a review!

-----

**-:-Warnings-:-** _Actual plot_, angst, angst, angst, non-existential meltdowns, donuts.

**Disclaimer:** Copy&Paste.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Shad-rack Ruse of Blue Suede Shoes**

Or a better title:

_In which Purgatory gets a whole lot shittier all over again._

_----___

**U**sually the Goddess would start the beginning of a chapter with a completely unrelated series of events having nothing to do with the previous events of some such characters, however, due to certain pressing circumstances and letters of concern from aforementioned characters, though choosing to be unnamed individuals, of a non-existent stand point, the Goddess is forced to begin such _"chaptoral"_ events with the happenings of last chapter because it is actually, for once, relevant and crucial to the development of the plot and has nothing to do with the after math of moving van sex, and no it is not because a character saw the fourth way, broke it down and scared the poop out of the Goddess, but simply because it is a necessary deviation from the norm.

And yes, for once, that wasn't a huge run on sentence. Microsoft Word approved it for your viewing pleasure. Have a nice day.

Currently, two figures were occupying the Savage Nymphs very comfy, broken in couch, while said Nymph eyed them critically from an arm chair, a cup of coffee to her lips as she sucked down its scalding contents.

Body number one belonged to a pretty head of blonde hair, starched white collared shirt, though it was unbuttoned for infirmed circumstances, black tie, pants and dress shoes, polished and ironed to obsessive neatness, black jacket folded neatly on a table beside the couch. Vexen was a bit anal about his appearance, even while passed out on the couch of a person close enough to receive the loose label of "friend." He was curled up against the arm of it, looking exceptionally cute, more so than most would describe him as, seeing as the only characteristics he seems to have are "insane" "catty (also interchangeable with bitchy)" and "mad-scientist", which are anything but cute.

Body number two belonged to, no, not Zexion (sorry folks), but to Xigbar, the Cyclops Nobody with the lively Californian accent, who, at the moment, looked anything but lively. Actually, he looked dead, which he technically was, but seeing as he was a pleasant shade of pale and blue highlights and hadn't moved at all, not even when Larxene dropped hot cider on him, it's probably safe to label him under '_temporary stiff'_ for the moment.

Lexaeus was watching the cider seep into the front of the gunman's white shirt, with some sort of designer newspaper patterning all over it, thinking he should probably start keeping Hi-Potions on his person from now on.

"I should probably start keeping Hi-Potions on my person from now on," Lexaeus reiterated.

"That'd be smart," Larxene drawled, not listening, as she was too busy digesting the information the rock of a man had given her.

Apparently, some unpleasant plot device had been implemented just beneath the surface of all this maddeningly repetitive humor, but what it _was_ exactly wasn't entirely certain to her.

He'd explained that on his way to work, there had been a gaggle of uniformed persons outside his store, milling around, looking ominous and unwelcome, before they descended upon him and dragged him into a large black SUV with spinning hubcaps and a light up dashboard. All pimpness aside, they'd informed him, after seeing that their abduction and torment tactics picked up from Mission Impossible movies had failed, that the nice little memo that he'd received from the Guild, asking him very politely to report to his trial, had been ignored and they were now implementing harsher methods of retrieval.

Lexaeus informed them that he'd received no such note, mostly because he'd gotten into the habit of discarding all his mail. He'd been thinking of asking to be relocated since he'd been receiving countless stacks of junk mail, many of which were the same ads for Extense, _Cosmogirl_, and pamphlets from the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints, whatever _that_ was.

Upon reaching The Hall of Judgment, which was a series of large futuristic metallic buildings slapped together to form ominous jagged angles, generally a very unfeeling and hopelessly unyielding governmental structure, he was fitted with a neck collar that would explode, releasing pheromones that would attract misguided yaoi fan girls from miles around if he so dared an escape while in the custody of the The Hall. All unpleasantries aside, he made a note to himself to tell Xemnas of this building's structure, that perhaps they should consider renovating the Castle to fit such a theme. It would be a most fitting place for a collection of cultish invisibles like themselves.

Crossing an expanse of black marble flooring, he'd run into Number II and IV, or more accurately, seen them coming as Vexen was making a considerable amount of noise, spouting disgruntled SAT words and threatening to freeze his captor's "special places" together. Xigbar looked like he'd just woken up with a hangover, so he sort of hung between the men holding his arms, face scrunched up in post-inebriated agony.

To make a long story short, and it was an extensively long story, one that'd taken three pots of coffee to get through, much of the wee hours of the morning, and a bottle of medicine to keep Samuel from chewing his fingers and knocked him out, Lexaeus explained that, through whatever twisted logic this bureaucracy of the afterlife possessed, the three of them had been sentenced to immediate liquidation.

Of course, liquidation didn't happen, as their continued presence is proof of, so in quick words, the Goddess will try to relate the B movie action sequence as best as she can.

Approached site of liquidation, Vexen freaking out, Xigbar still hung over, stuffed into cylindrical tanks, Vexen freaking out more(claustrophobia), chambers filling with some odd electrically conductive substance, lots of volts charged into said substance, bad hair day, Vexen suffering a panic attack due to partial liquidation, glass ices over, insert dramatic final hour close ups here, Xigbar pulling out guns and shooting at Vexen to shut him up, inadvertently busting holes in iced glass, broken glass, lots of mayhem, ice on floor, slipping, Vexen freeing Lexaeus, lots of earth damage, insert Matrix action sequence here, freeing nearly liquidated Xigbar, gettin the hell out of dodge, eluding the clutches of rabid fangirls, cue credits.

There, did I miss anything?

"Nothing of note, it was a splendidly summarized account, many thanks to you Goddess."

Any time Lex.

"But I just don't _get_ it," Larxene grumbled, placing the cup to one side and leaned back in her chair massaging her temples. "Why try to liquidate us? We've been their lap-dogs for this long, doing their shit jobs and all without too much barking, why get rid of us now?"

"Perhaps we are a liability," Lexaeus murmured quietly, casting a critical eye on Number II and continued to scrape the dull blade of a butter knife at the sticky residue of the pheromones still on his neck. He'd yet to make a move since their Grand Master Escape from the Alter of the Sacrificial Lamb. "We are criminals after all, according to their records, I wouldn't be surprised if they decided to be rid of us."

"Yeah, so is every other bitch around here, but that's not the point of Purgatory, just off anybody just because they're a serial rapist!" The blonde huffed, rising swiftly from her seat and began pacing in an angry circle, wearing a ring of crackling light snaps into the carpet. "Why target _us?_ Half a zillion specks of pond scum around here and they decide to fuck with _us!_"

"Perhaps there is a reason for such a thing-"

"There _is _no reason! They just wanna fuck with someone! Miserable fat Belgian bastards!(1)"

(1): Couldn't help sticking in a Stewie line.

"Larxene, please try to keep a level head for five more minutes. Causing a black out won't be received too well, and I don't have the right face to be a terrorist."

"_Fine_...But I'm raising hell as soon as you guys leave," she snapped, plopping back down in her chair, antennae twitching restlessly with static build up. She sighed at length, more of a grunt really, and shifted her eyes to the two members on the couch. "What should we do about those two slackers?"

"I'm not sure, plenty of rest is all I can think of now," Lexaeus shook his head. "I'm no healer, and I'm unsure as to the location of the other official healer."

"I would say, 'go to the Registrar and have them locate Demyx for you', but they'll probably have a warrant out for you guys by now." She cracked her knuckles with the finger of one hand. "Either way, we've got to get these two some help, 'specially Dirty Harry over there. I don't think he's breathed once this entire time."

"Yes, my fear was that we were not in time to save him," the Silent Hero said hesitantly, lacing his fingers together and rested his chin against them, elbows on his knees and tried to think pleasant thoughts as Xigbar turned a different shade of white: Eggshell white. "Still we must reach at least one of the others, however with Vexen in such a state, and even my own reserves spent from our escape, we won't be able to hold our own for too much longer."

"Hey now, don't be forgettin about lil ol me over here," Larxene purred impishly, straightening up a bit and tilted her head. "I know it's hard to forget about the estrogen in our testosterone, but don't think for a second I'd let you guys hog all the fun."

Despite the mass amounts of insanity her smile oozed, Lexaeus smiled and chanced a bit of a laugh, a nervous laugh. "Oh, don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you. It's just that I do not want to needlessly involve you in this affair," his face fell to distracted seriousness. "If you entangle yourself in this, you will most likely be putting yourself at risk, or perhaps even more than what we are facing at the moment."

"Lex, come on," Larxene breathed, a smirk upon her lips as she reached for her cup again, eyeing its contents. "Chances are if they're after you guys, it's only a matter of time before they start paying the rest of us a special house call." She frowned, looking over to him. "That reminds me, you said they'd sent you a letter indicating a trial date for you, but I'm guessing you didn't get it, so they assumed you just ignored it and sent you straight to the chair."

"Yes, that is correct, though, I did not see any sort of correspondence from the Guild," he said thoughtfully, but then he remembered he tossed out all his mail. Junk mail is the downfall of important messages.

"Hm…wonder if…" The brown haired giant watched the little blonde bolt up and scurry off to some corner of her small house, digging around in shelves, cursing, and he had to duck a few times as objects flew past him. He cast a nervous eye to a knife embedded just above Vexen's head and started sweating a little.

"Does it look anything like this?" She came back, carrying a white envelope with a dot of red wax, stamped with the Guild's insignia to keep it closed.

"Hm," he took the envelope, inspecting it, before tearing it open and unfolded the waxy paper within, eyes trailing over the spidery neat handwriting. "Oh my…this is," he looked up and over to the blonde who was giving him a queasy face. "We have to show this to Xemnas, _immediately_."

--------------

He dipped his tongue to lap up a portion of his sweetness, sucking him in, breathing him with every pore and fiber of his being, tugging restlessly, almost irritably at the fabric keeping him from properly worshipping his alter, his messiah, his most _beloved_. Fingers, lightest of touches, curling into his back, a babbling of nonsense his reward for a curt nipping at his flesh, and he was of a doctrine to give himself fully and completely if that was what was desired.

A lilting sigh called his attention overhead, demanding his most immediate attention, and, not one to leave a body waiting, clawing his way up to hover in the space of desperate shaky breathes, a trembling sort of smile forming on the other's face, which brought him such joy he might collapse under the stress of its weight.

"_Saix…"_ Lazy, delicate hand rising to brush tendrils of blue from his face, and he leaned into the touch, purring unabashedly and feeling the ache, the pull to be near him, be with him, engulf him in an emotion he hadn't the words to express. He licked the palm of his hand, sliding his fingers up and along the back of his hand, fingers over knuckles, curling his fingers about his hand, tightly, gently, insisting to himself that he'd never let a moment like this slip by him again.

"…_Saix."_ He looked to him, expectantly, studying his face, his haze filled amber eyes, a half formed smile on his lips, a kind of sweetness he'd never seen in him, and he'd be the only one to see it, if he could help it. He bent forward to him, wanting to taste him, touch him, anything, anything but be separated from him. He had to have him again and again and again and-

"_Saix?"_ Yes? Oh, yes, he was here, he'd _always _been here, and now, suddenly, he was realizing it. If he'd had a heart, he would've died from sheer joy, and he might've done some crying too, but not in front of him, not in front of this man. He couldn't demean himself to such a level as blubbering, not before this-

"_Saix-"_ What?

"Saix!"_ What?!_

"SAIX!"

"WHAT?!"

The blunette became painfully aware that he'd crushed his seventeenth glass of water. He twitched a little, feeling the shards beginning to burrow into his skin.

"…Well…I _was_ going to ask you if you wanted anything else besides water…"

"Thank you sir, you are too kind to me." Saix strained, fingers laced together as a stream of dark blood started seeping into the thread of his pants. He couldn't take them to the cleaners anymore; they were starting to get suspicious.

Twitching his mouth worriedly, Xemnas made his way, again, towards a shelf with a bright red metal box perched beside a book on autoerotic asphyxiation. After the fourth broken glass, he'd just started leaving it there.

"You know, you really need to work on that reflex of yours, especially if you want to get out of anger management sooner," Xemnas insisted gently, returning to his ex-colleague and crouched before him, eyeing the shards sticking out of the man's tightly clenched blood streaked hands like translucent strands of punk hair.

"Yes sir, I will do my utmost to control it," Saix responded tightly. He swore he could feel microscopic crystalline pieces melding through his skin to be carried along by his blood stream.

Xemnas smirked, nodding his head a touch before grasping his hands and pulled them apart, noting the muted hissing sound the blunette emitted as he wiggled a shard. He frowned. "Mm…well this's no good," he murmured absently, shifting the piece back and forth before sliding it from the wound, looking up and watching Saix's face do some repressed calisthenics in response to not wanting to show pain.

"Hn, and _that's _certainly no good," he smiled thinly. "Holding everything in like that."

"S-Sir?"

"Holding in pain, not wanting to show it; Too much of that, and you'll cut your un-dead existence short."

"Forgive me sir, but it is a habit."

"Mind over matter is it?"

"Yes sir, it has helped me, ngh-" He watched him slip another shard from his hands, sighing unevenly as it was removed, continuing on: "It has helped me considerably in the past."

"Really? How then, do you fair when you're faced with an immaterial circumstance?"

"Imma-…Sir?" A thin line of confused carved its way into the Diviner's face, trying to break down the nuances of what he might've meant. "I don't think I understand."

"Oh, I think you do…" Xemnas smiled, something a bit darker, something twisted that was all together unsettling and insistent on his full and undivided attention. "You're just being coy." And before he could think on it, more that he wasn't really sure it was even happening to begin with, he watched, wide eyed, as his superior bent his head to flick his tongue over the end of his finger.

The contact was rewarded with a jump of alarm, as the gesture was _completely _unexpected, and he made to pull away, stopped only by a hand clutching his wrist. Smirking, the silver haired male kept his eyes on Number VII, slipping his lips around the weeping appendage, sucking the metallic tang against the roof of his mouth and to the back of his throat.

"Oooh," Saix oozed, feeling his limbs turn to paste as he melted in the elder Nobody's mouth, jittering nervously beneath the piercing orbs of gold that held him in place, kept him from de-evolving to something single-cellular and noodly.

As Xemnas drew his finger from his mouth, Saix curled the digit upwards, brushing the tip along the very edges of his teeth before the saliva had a chance to cool it. Hypnotically, he leaned into him, stopping when a hand was placed at his lips, prodding them, urging his lips apart, even as he became achingly aware of the fact that his hand was _killing _him, but it just didn't _matter _because now he was all bothered.

He could taste him, taste him even before this moment, had envisioned it so many times when the moon was particularly pleasant on some nights, and he tasted, he tasted like…air….air?

Saix blinked abruptly and stared across the room at the red velvet chair Xemnas occupied.

"…Goddamnit…"

"Another episode?"

"Yes, sir, unfortunately."

"Do you remember what it was about by any chance?"

"No," Saix lied, turning away to stare uneasily at a spot on the carpet. It was a lovely shade of dark spot, so very unsymmetrical and mysterious in its spot-like ways.

"Hm," Xemnas turned his attention to a cluster of papers in his hands, shuffling through a few before seeming to set upon one in particular. He never really thought about it, but Xemnas looked particularly attractive wearing glasses. "It sounds like what you're describing is a mild case of Delirium, especially from what I've just seen."

"Ah, I see," Saix responded distractedly, because he was being distracted by the delicately lethal pianists fingers plucking at the air, and it occurred to him that he'd never seen the man's hands before…actually…he hadn't really seen _any _of the other members hands before. It was weird, sort of like looking at your best friend naked.

"Have you had trouble sleeping lately?"

"Ah, no, not more than usual sir."

"Have you been eating less?"

"No, not that I can recall sir."

"Have you experienced any sort of traumatic episode recently?"

"No-Well, I did stir up a bit of trouble at the Registrar…But that was a while ago…and they wouldn't give me my damn appointment," Saix snapped, paused, then folded back in on himself, adding a conclusive: "Sir."

"Well, that's normal for you I guess," Xemnas scratched his head. "But I can't seem to figure out what's causing this. Hm…has anything been stressing you out lately?"

"Something's _always_ stressing me out sir," Saix sighed, rolling his eyes a bit.

"Then maybe that's it," the elder Nobody said with a decisive flick of his wrist, stuffing the stack of papers back in a folder and dropped them beside his chair on the floor. He leaned back, stretching one of his legs, which Saix tried not to watch too closely. "Maybe you just need to try and…relax more, Saix. Even if you _are _dead, it's unhealthy to be putting that much unneeded strain on yourself."

"I understand sir, I'll try."

"Good, then that's all I can ask of you," Xemnas said with a shadow of a smile before it fell as a ringing assaulted every nerve of his patience, and he edged away from the phone on his desk like a disease, glaring warily at it. Saix noted his behavior and tried not to laugh at him being so, well, unusual. It was like he was a completely different person, a side of him he'd never dared show to the others, if it had ever existed at all. But that didn't matter to the moon worshipper; he still was and always would be his superior, no matter how insane he'd gotten near the end. When you didn't have a heart, stress makes you do some terribly unimaginably stupid things.

The ringing stopped after a minute, and no sooner had it done so than the bored looking receptionist poked her head into his office. "Sir, that was-"

"I _know _who it _was_," Xemnas snapped. "And tell her that if she _ever _calls here again I'll hunt her down and turn her into a Dusk."

The receptionist seemed to stiffen at this response, nodding her head and quickly vacated the premises.

Saix raised an eyebrow. "A Dusk?"

"I've done it twelve other times, to twelve other stalkers." Xemnas glowered, rising slowly, the other Nobody following suit.

"Well, perhaps if I..." _Became your assistant, you wouldn't have to worry about stupid people sucking up your oxygen, you know, like old times, but instead of a salary, could you, maybe, pay me in s-_"Just broke their legs the first time they bothered you, you wouldn't need to exert yourself, sir."

"Hm, a kind offer indeed, but I've got to keep my record some semblance of clean," Xemnas smirked. "And having a psychotic secretary might not go over well with Them."

Secretary, no, _Psychotic _Secretary…Saix liked the way that sounded. But, first things first…

Shifting uneasily in place, watching Xemnas dig in a drawer of his desk for some odd thing, he tried to remember Marluxia's words of masculine will power, which hadn't been very helpfuly advice to begin with and wasn't very much consolation in a situation like this, knowing he'd be teased horribly if he came back to _The Salty Dog _without having at least asked the man.

Looking up for a minute, Xemnas noted the considerable amount of too much movement still in his office, which would be Saix tearing the hell out of a piece of paper and staring at some spot on his desk. "Saix?"

"Yes?!"

"You know, our session's over for today, you can go now."

"Yes, yes, sir," Saix nodded, turning about and made a beeline for the door, stopping only as the doorknob shocked him, well, not really, but the cold metal sent a pulsating _'coward'_ message up his arm and into his brain. He dropped his head, suppressing a growl, and turned his head back to face the silver haired man, who had a crease of concentrated irritation on his face; his usual face when looking over paperwork.

"_Aww, lookit the sad lil puppy, runnin scared with his tail between his legs."_

An obnoxiously small depiction of himself in Hot Topic bondage threads appeared on one of his shoulders, spiky collar about its neck, entirely too many cumbersome bracelets on its wrists, faded black converse shoes, wearing eyeliner, black lipstick, and filing prissily away at its little black painted nails.

"_You'll never get __**anyone**__ to screw you with that kind of cowardice, lil mutt face."_

"_Oh come on now, leave him alone, he's got more important things to do, like making it on time to anger management, right Saixy?"_

Another obnoxiously small depiction of himself appeared on his free shoulder, dressed in a tight black long sleeved shirt, an equally tight red short sleeved shirt with the words _'I see you've met the twins'_ in white lettering, and a pair of clingy blue jeans hanging off its waist and over its brown shoes. It even had the audacity to pull its hair back into a pony tail and wear 'emo' glasses. Somewhere in the real world, a young teenage boy screamed in horror to find his favorite Ambercrombie&Fitch outfit gone.

"_You can always come back down and find him later, he'll be here, won't he hun?"_

Saix stared very hard at the door handle and tried to ignore the terribly over-used plot cliché's seated oh so comfily on him.

"_Tss, whatever, that's just a pretty way of saying 'procrastination'. You've been all over this dudes __**ass**__ for half of fucking forever, and now that you get a chance you're just going to crawl away like the spineless wussy __**bitch**__ that you know you are."_

"_Spineless?!" _Pony-tailed Saix sprang to his feet and leaned around to hiss at Spiky Saix. _"Puh-leease! The only things spineless and wussy are your steadily failing attempts at being demeaning. Maybe if you read something other than manga and Emily Dickenson, you'd be able to think up something intelligent."_

"_Nani?!"_ Bondage Saix tried to throw his nail filer at Trendy Saix, but it failed when the other caught it and began filing his own nails. _"You __**dare **__insult that which you do not know of?! Insulting someone else's hobby of interest is SO totally High School."_ Hair flip.

"_Oh no you didn't...you did __**not **__just totally take my signature Hair Flip."_

"_Yeah, I think I __**totally **__just did."_

"_You __**bitch!**__"_

"_You __**slut!**__"_

Saix sighed and flipped his hair over one shoulder, the plot cliché's dissipating in a cloud of navy colored invisible smoke, and turned about to regard Xemnas, still bent over some insidiously difficult looking notes and cleared his throat. The dark skinned male looked up and over to him, blinking for a moment before responding with a slow: "Yes?"

"Ah…I just wanted to ask, sir, if…" Saix trailed off, cracking his knuckles, caught himself, and forced his hands down to his sides. "If maybe…ah," he took a step forward, raising his hands and fidgeting with them. He needed paper to shred, but the pile by the chair he'd previously occupied was proof that he wasn't going to get any relief.

"Yes?" Xemnas repeated, sitting up a bit straighter, wondering if the material on shirts should be so easy to shred, seeing as Saix was doing an exceptional job of destroying his shirt cuffs.

"Well, sir are you…?...Eh, are you, doing anything…later on?" Saix finished unsteadily, snapping a quick: "Later on today! Are you doing anything later on today?"

"Mm…I'm not sure," Xemnas looked about for his little black book, finding it under a stack of shredded paper…the hell?...and flipped through it till he found the right page, trailing a finger down the list, as Saix watched him trail his finger down the list, watched him very sexily trail his finger down the list. "Looks like I have a chunk of time between 12:30 and 5:45, assuming my last client doesn't cancel. Why, did you have something in mind?" He looked blankly up at Saix, who was turning a few different shades of nervous.

"Ah, well, actually…." Saix got stuck for a minute before he stalked his way over to the desk, placing his hands firmly on the edge and stared hard at his leader. "I'd like to ask you if you wanted to accompany me to a wine tasting gathering at this Italian restaurant that just opened up not too far from here," he blurted out all at once.

There was silence.

And then there was a smile, and if it was at all possible, Xemnas' eyes radiated a lighter color of amber. "I'd _love _to! How did you know I was partial to such things?"

"Oh…ah," _Marluxia's network of flamboyantly fashionable floral spies. _"Intuition perhaps? I should think that serving at your side granted me some level of, eh, attention to detail."

"Well, you've certainly got an impressive eye for detail; I've never told anyone of my tastes." Xemnas absolutely beamed with non-existent effervescence, which, had it been any other time, would have worried Saix considerably. He was just _too damn expressive,_ but seeing as the reaction had been caused by his offer, well, he just couldn't bring himself to scoff at it.

"Hm," the silver haired Nobody glanced off to a dull looking wall clock. 10:35. "Your session lasts for two or so hours today, right?"

"Ah, yes, sir, it does."

"I could meet you up on the 5th floor and we can leave from there, does that sound alright?"

"It sounds fine, sir."

"Then I'll see you in two hours."

"Yes, two hours, have a good afternoon sir."

"And a good afternoon to you as well, Saix."

Upon exiting his office and closing the door, Saix had the irrational urge to fall back first against a wall and slide down it, emitting a lilting sigh of repressed elation, but he was Saix, and he had Saix standards to uphold, so he just released the breath he hadn't been aware was being held. He immediately felt light headed, light headed all the way down the hall, in the elevator, and into the circle of pathologically irritated people, taking a seat beside a prickly looking man with a pink Mohawk and enough piercings to make airport security nervous.

"The fuck are you smiling about dickweed," he sneered.

"Nothing," Saix breathed. "Just that it's a particularly nice day today."

Angry-hawk shifted his position to another level of slouched teenager and spat out a figurative loogie. "Pansy."

--------------

By the time Larxene arrived at M.E.R.C.Y. it was already too late, the silver haired Nobody had disappeared. Strangely enough, so had Saix, which she would've expected to be standing on the street corner waiting for a cab to go back to Purgatory. It was a peculiar detail, but one that she couldn't bother herself over at the moment. She needed to see Xemnas, or at least get him on the phone.

Some idiot tried to stop her at the door and got a face full of electrified bitch slappage, and a rather nervous looking Lexaeus trailed cautiously behind her as she tore through the building, a nymph on a mission, though, her epic mission was cut back a few minutes because the elevator kept shorting out every two seconds. Larxene was forced to calm herself in order to resume her mission in a timely dramatic fashion.

Upon bursting through the door of Xemnas' office, splintering wood and glass in her efforts to create a theatrical revealing moment, she paused and blinked in confusion at the silver haired man leaning against the edge of the desk, legs crossed, arms folded.

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "Hm…same attitude, wrong person."

"Who the hell are _you?!_" Larxene spat, antennae twitching indignantly.

"Apparently, someone here for the same reason you are."

"That's not what I asked pretty boy." A flick of her wrist was all it took for two threads of electricity to dance about her arm and form two kunai. "I'll ask _again_, and this time I'll use simpler words." She assumed all men with silky hair and visually pleasing complexions were idiots. It was usually the case, unless they'd worn leather and wielded 7 foot swords in their past lives.

"Hold on a moment Larxene, let's see what this gentleman is here for _before _we start throwing things," The Hero interjected quickly, not wanting to attract more attention than was absolutely necessary, which hadn't been working out too well seeing as he'd taken up half the space in the elevator. He shifted his gaze from the angry little woman to their leggy stranger. "It seems, sir, that you must be acquainted in some way with the man this office belongs to, for your presence here is not mere coincidence."

"My, how observant. Seems you _are _smarter than you look," Sephiroth smirked listlessly. Lexaeus wondered for the umpteenth time that day, what this strange misconception about his physical stature being detrimental to his IQ was all about. "But I'm not here to antagonize you. The fact that you've come here proves all of this," and reached inside pocket of his blazer, producing a white envelope held between index and middle finger.

"Ah-"

"That's!-"

"Ah, so I am correct. You did receive a letter like this, which means you are also apart of this 'Organization XIII'."

"Why'd _you _get one?"

"I didn't. This one is addressed to Xemnas," he finished slowly, loosing a touch of his cynicism as he trailed off, staring at the offending article between his fingers. Pulling it within his hand, he rubbed a thumb over the surface of the broken wax seal. "I've read its contents," he looked up slowly, eyeing the two across the room. Larxene fidgeted slightly, unusually uneasy under this man's gaze, as if he were boring a hole in her head and setting up a surveillance team in her soul, or, you know, something poetic like that.

She returned his frown nonetheless, pursing her lips and sighed, voice hushed as she spoke: "Then you already know."

"Yes." A pause. "And I want to know why."

"We aren't too sure about that just yet," Lexaeus answered while closing the office door as quietly as possible. Turning to face the man, folding his arms across his chest, he paced some ways towards him and stopped, stopped mostly by his presence, because he was emitting a considerable amount of psycho waves and he didn't want to get any on him. "But for whatever reason, these people seem hell bent on getting rid of us all of a sudden."

"Sounds like a crappy angst ridden plot device if I ever heard one," Larxene drawled, leaning against the back of a chair inspecting her nails.

"Well, crappy or not, the mere fact that we could die in this fic is a very real possibility."

"We can't die. We're already dead. Besides, it'd create unrest amongst the readers."

"I know, which is exactly why it's such a diabolical crappy plot device."

Larxene turned a shade of pale pink and felt herself suffer a momentary non-existential crisis.

"More importantly, sir, I'd like to know why that isn't in Xemnas' hands."

"Because it's obviously in mine," the General replied with sluggish sarcasm. He really didn't want to talk to these people, especially the woman with insect appendages growing out of her head, as he'd planned to wait here for Xemnas to return and corner him. He'd even scheduled himself as his last client for the day (under the name Mitsy Delighted) to be sure of their meeting. He wasn't one to nose around in other people's mail, but, well, it was from the Guild, and the only time the Guild ever sent you shit was always a bad sign. "They're going to find him, and they're going to come here first."

"Hm, so just slash any authority figure you see, s'that the brilliant plan?" Larxene chirped harshly, a vicious smile on her face. "I like it. It's simple. Easy to remember. Lex?"

"_No_, not while I'm here, _especially, _not while I'm here." He shifted a bit nervously, glancing back at the door before making his way over to the silver haired man, who shifted a full three inches away from him and folded his arms as he took a seat beside him. "Listen to me, I can tell you that they won't be coming here to look for him first."

"And how do you figure that."

"Do you remember when you were first brought to the Registrar? That little branding they gave you?" Lexaeus watched as the man curled the fingers of his right hand, rubbing a small circle with his index finger on some specific spot. Hm, left bicep, that's where it was. "Think of it as a sort of tracking device. If not for that, your atonement work wouldn't be logged into their records at all."

"Yes, but this letter is addressing the issue that he, as well as the rest of you, haven't done _any_ atonement work."

"This is why this is so peculiar, being as we were all subject to the same sort of tagging upon our arrival." The brunette paused, narrowing his eyes. "We are suspecting foul play. Somehow, someone somewhere seems to have some sort of vendetta against us, more so than to any other criminal down here, and is seeking us out for immediate removal via liquidation."

"That makes no amount of sense, to think that someone out there completely overrode my presence to harass you people."

"What? You someone important we should give a shit about or something," Larxene raised an eyebrow.

Sephiroth looked to her, smiling slowly. "No, not to you anyway." He turned back to Lexaeus then, leaving the blonde woman to ponder any sticky suggestions in those words. "I highly doubt it's something as complex as foul play. As backwards as this system is, it might just be a simple human error."

"Which would cause a sudden call for the liquidation of 13 people?"

"Where I'm from, you get a bullet in the skull for smelling suspicious. Be thankful they even bothered to send you a letter before hand."

"That's harsh. And here I thought being Dusk-ified was bad."

The General hadn't anything witty to say to that, more so because he didn't know what the hell a Dusk was, but mostly because he was a bit more concerned with how on earth he was going to get to Xemnas before the Guild did. He was probably going to hate him for a week for reading his mail, and hiding it from him, for a month…and a half, when this was obviously the sort of thing to be handled post-haste. Well, he could live with it, granted it allowed him another month of make up sex before they pulled the plug on him. Some part of him wouldn't allow the thought that he would miss make up sex with Xemnas, to even permeate any ounce of his rationale, because it meant that the Nobody actually meant something to him, which was preposterous coming from a man who'd trade his whole damn planet for God status.

And yet somehow, that same man was now asking the question: "What should we do?"

"There's not much we _can _do. We don't have very many options," Lexaeus said at length. "Two of our own have been seriously injured from escaping liquidation, even I myself am still in the process of regaining at least half of my own strength from participating in that ordeal."

Sephiroth let his words digest for a moment, unsure of what to do, stuck, and really, there wasn't a damn thing he could do. All the powers of a megalomaniac, and he couldn't do anything to change the fate of one measly Nobody, or, was there? He could go to the Guild, talk to them, reason with them somehow. He honestly didn't care much for the remainder of his members, but he wasn't letting Xemnas just die without his two cents in the matter. Besides, paying rent was a bitch when you did it by yourself, and with the decrease in temperature, having one less body in the bed would be terribly inconvenient to his toes.

"Perhaps I can prolong his sentence," he said finally, rising to his feet and making his way towards the door, paused, then turned about, eyes boring harshly into the brunette. "That letter…there must've been something else to it, perhaps calling him to a trial, right? They keep ranting about equality and all that rot, I would at least think they would allow him a trial."

"Yes, he'll get a trial all right, fuckin' kangaroo court," Larxene glowered, beginning to pace the room at around the same time Sephiroth had decided to do the same. Their combined pacing was making The Hero nervous, because their energies were making a flammable looking vortex of plotting that couldn't lead anywhere helpful. "He might as well just walk in there with the noose around his neck already!"

"Well it's better than sitting here doing nothing, or do you just not care what happens to him."

"No, actually, I couldn't give a rat's ass what happens to any of these fuckers, but let me tell you something, I'll be _damned _if I get my ass dragged down by these Purgatory dogs," Larxene hissed, jabbing the man's chest, seeing as he was entirely too much taller than her, so the venom dripping out of her eyes was less lethal looking than it should have been to the man hovering over her.

"Ho nooo no, no, if Larxene's goin out, she's takin _everyone _with her, but you see, that's the problem, that's what they want us to do! They _want_ us to fight back at them and give the high ups a legitimate excuse to get rid of us! They're _waiting _for one of us to pop, freak the hell out, go ape shit, and just damn all of us to the murky oblivion of something worse than being non-existent. So yes, I'm going to sit here and do _nothing _because as long as I do nothing, I get to live longer, and so do the rest of these gay-wads-"

She broke herself off abruptly, realizing she was rambling about nothing again, a habit she had when shit hit the fan and she wasn't sure if putting a mop to it was going to clean it up enough. She sighed, slapped her hands over her face and dug frustrated nails into her scalp, up through her hair and paced away from the taller man whose chest she'd been harassing.

"Look, we just…we don't know what to do okay," she grumbled, whirling about to face him, face flushed. "If we fuck up, this is it, we're _through_, we can't reset and come back all over again like before." Sharp blue eyes hazed over with aggravation as she hugged herself tightly, rocking from side to side and shaking her head. "You don't die when you're a Nobody…you just…stop," she muttered. "It's so empty…I'm not going back there again, no way, no how. I can't go back there, I'll sleep with Saix before I let myself get sucked back into that abyss all over again."

This was one of those rare moments that Lexaeus really didn't like seeing. Watching Larxene sort of cave in on herself was disturbing, made this whole nightmare seem frighteningly real, that even though he'd gotten hit by a bus on a daily basis, the fact that there was someone out there that could permanently crush what little life was left to them created a sort of alien paranoia and fragility, something none of them were willing to admit to. To admit it meant subconsciously succumbing to the inevitable.

So, for the sake of the moment, the brick of a man detached himself from the desk and crossed over to the nymph to grant her an uncharacteristicaly loose one armed hug. After an awkward moment, she snorted a little and squirmed away from him, smoothing the folds of her blouse and skirt slowly.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

"Don't worry I won't, and if you tell anyone I was bein weepy I'll break your spine."

"Sounds fair to me."

"Fantastic," Sephiroth sniffed pointedly. "I could've gone all day without needing to see that bit of mushiness."

"You're telling _me_, there's an atmosphere of tasteless melodrama floating about that needs to be destroyed very quickly before I vomit."

It took Sephiroth a full eight minutes to figure out that there was suddenly a man standing next to him near the leftmost book shelf of the office, but it wasn't the fact that he'd just suddenly appeared out of fucking nowhere that thew him off (He was getting used to that. That sort of thing seemed to happen quite often in his fic, people just appearing out of thin air with no respect to conventional efforts to compose an entrance paragraph for the arrival of a character), nor was it the fact that his lover had somehow managed to bend space and time (especially when neither Luxord nor Xigbar were around for such a maneuver) to buy himself an expensive looking white suit and a pair of dwarfed angel wings in the time allotted, but apparently didn't have the time to buy himself shoes and socks. No, it was something significantly smaller and much less important that demanded his full and complete attention.

"Xemnas, why do you smell like cupcakes?"

"_What the hell?!_" Larxene on the other hand, who hadn't yet encountered odd people popping out of nowhere every so often, was on high alert and had already picked up a floor lamp, ready to chuck it at the time traveler when Lexaeus stopped her sweep of doom with an oustretched arm.The larger man eyed the dark skinned white haired golden eyed man and slowly began shaking his head from side to side. "That's not Xemnas."

Sephiroth frowned at him. "Of course it's Xemnas."

"No, it's not. I know my leader, that's not him."

"And I know my Xemnas, that's him." The general turned to regard the peculiarly familiar face, quirking his mouth to one side and tried to reason with the brown haired buffoon. And here he'd commended him on his intelligence. "Well…except for the wings I suppose, but when the hell did you find the time to get yourself enlisted in L.U.C.I.D? Does the Guild know about this?...I can't imagine they just let you go...how did you do that?"

'_Xemnas_' raised a thin white eyebrow and looked thoroughly offended, more so than Xemnas usually looked, but didn't seem to take it so far up the ass like he usually would. "I'm magical like that. And no, the Guild doesn't know, and they don't need to know, kay' sweet cheeks? As far as you're concerned, I was never here."

Sephiroth stared. He was using romantic endearments and he hadn't even done anything yet. Maybe Xemnas already knew that he'd been through his mail? Damn he was good.

"Sir, I must insist that you're mistaken," Lexaeus continued on, shifted further between Larxene and '_Xemnas_' to keep her from maiming him. Poor girl, hadn't beaten anything meaningful up for who knew how long, and all that PMS was going to keep building up till she spontaneously combusted (It is a little known fact that that is why Larxene is so catty, or why any woman is so catty, for you see, it is necessary to be so lest they risk certain bodily ignition to themselves and those unfortunate enough to be around them within a 30 mile radius.)

"I don't know who _that _is, or why _it's _not correcting itself, but that is _not _Xemnas."

"That's because _it _is Xemnas, his prettier half," the dark skinned man purred, flipping his hair over one shoulder and smirked haughtily.

"…"

"What?"

"Since when do you flip your hair?"

"Since for-….since just now……What? I have past shoulder length hair, so that gives me the right as a bishounen to flip it all I want……Look, don't hate on me just because you can't flip your hair because your so much of a tart that you had to grow your hair past ass-length. You trying to make a point with all that shojo shinyness? Give it to a cancer patient you selfish bastard! There are kids in Venezuela that could use a good head of silver hair!"

Well…aside from the obvious, Sephiroth was a bit more convinced that this man wasn't Xemnas, but, just to be sure, he snaked a hand into his hair, dipped him back, and molested his mouth for a good five minutes. Lexaeus watched the strange silver haired man try in vain to claw the man off him, screams muffled by a tongue half way down his throat till the swordsman pulled away with a sour expression on his face.

"Eegad, you really _aren't_ Xemnas. Only Marluxia would taste like a chocolate chip cookie dipped in hemp."

Fake Xemnas had nothing to say to that, because he was currently running his tongue along his sleeve and making wounded animal noises. The trio watched him scramble his way over to a trash can and loom over it, making some sort of motion with his hands before him and lurched forward a few times. He sounded like a cat trying to cough up a steel wool hair ball. After the fourth attempt to induce vomiting ending in more drying heaving, Fake Xemnas gave up and staggered his way back over to Sephiroth and glared liquid death at him.

"I hope your pleased with yourself, you rapist, now I have to deal with the taste of _you _in my mouth for the rest of the day!"

"Oh come now, I know some people that'd kill to have me in their mouth all day," Sephiroth drawled, completely distracted by the fact that though this man was nearly as bitchy as he was, this man was not Xemnas, he knew it now by test of wits and taste, and if he wasn't Xemnas, than who the hell _was _he? The Nobody never mentioned having a twin brother of any sort, though, with the vague resemblance, he could see why he wouldn't have mentioned him. Self-centered individuals rarely admit to having a sibling that could compete with them in the sex appeal department.

"Haven't…we seen you around the castle?" Lexaues murmured distrustfully, shifting slightly as Larxene peeped out from behind his arm. She didn't trust this doppelganger, and she was just dying for him to make a wrong move so she could impale him. "I believe Zexion's seen you, yes…I remember him telling me that he sensed another presence very similar to the Superior's."

"I wasn't there for you then and I'm not here for you now," Fake Xemnas huffed and rolled his eyes. "Empty shells don't interest me-" He was cut off when something large slammed into one of the windows. The occupants of the room backed away from the erratic fluttering sounds just beneath the window sill, and the nymph would've electrocuted the thing that popped its head up into view had she not recognized those huge baby blue eyes.

"What the…" Pacing over to the window, she slid it up and open and stared at the little blonde boy with a golf ball sized gash spurting blood out of his forehead. "Roxy?"

"Hi, long time no see," he grunted with as much interest to see her as a cat is interested to see you try and make them jump through flaming hoops. "Think you could, like, help me up? My arms are killing me." A sudden fist in his hair and a yank on his head had him tumbling into the room with a yelp, and after regaining some semblance of where he stood in relation to gravity, Roxas staggered to his feet and swayed, clutching at his throbbing head for a moment, before he began dusting off specks of dirt from his white shirt and clingy bondage pants. He seemed to have also caught the shoe-less disease from imposter Xemnas along with a pair of pitifully tiny looking bird wings twitching on his back.

Larxene rolled her eyes. "Of course _he _gets spared and becomes an angel just 'cause he's half a whole of a light wielding Keybearer."

"Pseudo-angel," Roxas corrected and sneezed. "Besides, you should've seen this coming a mile away."

"That still doesn't make it fair! This is bull, I totally have the credits to be an angel. Where's the Goddess?! I've got some bones to pick outta her!"

The Goddess chose to remain saftely hidden behind the fourth wall as Roxas turned to the golden eyed man and grumbled. "And _you _suck for leaving me behind _again!_ You know I can't fly well, what if I get sucked into a jet engine again?!"

"Well that's your own damn fault for not gettin the hell out of the way. Pedestrians might have the right of way, but really, who do you thinks going to win in a game of cross-the-street chicken? The 5,000 pound airplane or the 100 pound pre-teen?"

Roxas was not amused. "Don't go to sleep tonight. I'm going to shave all your hair off."

"Just be sure you get all the important places."

"Ah, excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt this heartfelt reunion," Lexaeus began slowly. "But Roxas-"

"Who the fuck is this twat?" Larxene finished poetically.

"This _twat_," the blonde paused to look over the man, rolled his eyes, and rubbed a hand over his face. "Is my partner, but more importantly, he's Ansem."

"Ansem," Larxene trailed off, frowning. "…like…Ansem the Wise, Ansem?"

"No, like Ansem, Xemnas' Heartless Ansem."

"No…wait…that's not possible."

"Why? You planning on adding some dramatic exclamation or something to wrap up this chapter with?"

"No, I was just thinking that, like, I dunno, wouldn't that cause a rip in the universe or something, having two sides of Xemnas in the same plane of existence?" Larxene turned to Lexaeus, a scientist who obviously knew a lot about this sort of thing. She was just the woman they hired to stab things.

"I don't believe there's anything to worry about so long as temporal alteration isn't factored into the equation."

"Oh, good." Pause. "Damnit…please don't tell me you all want coffee…"

"Coffee would be nice," Sephiroth mused thoughtfully.

"Coffee without 8 cubes of sugar sounds even better," Ansem added.

"Coffee without 8 cubes of sugar and an explanation as to why Xemnas isn't here sounds much more appealing," Roxas finished, accenting his point by plopping down on Xemnas' desk and folding his arms irritably. He was still bleeding profusely from the face and no one had even bothered to ask if he was alright.

"I was really hoping you weren't all gonna to say that."

_----___

**Mille: **Well, somehow I managed to not have as much Saix and Xemnas in this chapter as I'd hoped I'd have, but I didn't want to rush things, but they felt rushed to me anyway, so instead we got…other…random…people…I swear this story is writing itself. Anyway, please excuse any glaring typos that come up. This chapter was a bit rushed I'm afraid, but leave me reviews none the less!


End file.
